I'm scheduling this post for a little over 7 days from today. If I don't get back to cancel it then that means that I've finally left hell. I wasn't sure what to write for this. It's mostly to let the people that I've meet on this site that are still here know what happened to me if they check.
I had toyed with different ideas like sn. But it looks like I'm going back to the method I used in my first attempt first after I turned 7 and going with FSH again. If you've seen some of my other posts you'll know that I've been trying to get approved for MAID in Canada for around 4 years now and have gotten no where. Even told by a nurse in the MAID program to give up trying and just ctb instead and my family doc advised me which meds I can stop taking to die from my conditions faster. So if I do succeed today, I'm just following doctor's orders. I was applying for autism and have all the program guidelines that clearly say that things like adhd, autism, and dementias are not mental health for MAID reasons if anyone is thinking otherwise. But there's no enforcement for a doctor that believes otherwise and won't follow the regulations. For 4 years they made me suffer without giving the request the proper consideration it was due. Obviously I'd much rather got through MAID than ctb. But I've run out of patience. I wasn't lucky enough to run into the kind doctors. Only ones that are incompetent and/or are monsters.
It's been 39 years since my first attempt failed and many more attempts have failed since. I was lucky to have never been caught before. But I feel that the next attempt that I try that fails is the one that'll get me caught. So, I've hesitated the last several years. The delay should be enough time to get back if something goes wrong.
There isn't enough time to express the hell I've lived through throughout my life and the now mounting health issues I've been facing.
Since I've joined the site I've gotten to talk to a number of people. Most were amazing. A few weren't. Some are still here and I've been talking to them recently, some drifted away, some disappeared, and some are gone. I still worry about those that disappeared and am sad about those that left. Hopefully they are at peace now. As a whole my interactions with you have made my life better for the last year or so. At times I almost felt... human... I'm grateful to you. But in the end it just wasn't enough to overcome a lifetime of pain.
I'm stilling here thinking of all the things I should say and don't know how to say them. I feel I should've been more active on the forum too.
So, if you are reading this. Unless something catastrophic happened with the plans. I've finally left Hell.
I had toyed with different ideas like sn. But it looks like I'm going back to the method I used in my first attempt first after I turned 7 and going with FSH again. If you've seen some of my other posts you'll know that I've been trying to get approved for MAID in Canada for around 4 years now and have gotten no where. Even told by a nurse in the MAID program to give up trying and just ctb instead and my family doc advised me which meds I can stop taking to die from my conditions faster. So if I do succeed today, I'm just following doctor's orders. I was applying for autism and have all the program guidelines that clearly say that things like adhd, autism, and dementias are not mental health for MAID reasons if anyone is thinking otherwise. But there's no enforcement for a doctor that believes otherwise and won't follow the regulations. For 4 years they made me suffer without giving the request the proper consideration it was due. Obviously I'd much rather got through MAID than ctb. But I've run out of patience. I wasn't lucky enough to run into the kind doctors. Only ones that are incompetent and/or are monsters.
It's been 39 years since my first attempt failed and many more attempts have failed since. I was lucky to have never been caught before. But I feel that the next attempt that I try that fails is the one that'll get me caught. So, I've hesitated the last several years. The delay should be enough time to get back if something goes wrong.
There isn't enough time to express the hell I've lived through throughout my life and the now mounting health issues I've been facing.
Since I've joined the site I've gotten to talk to a number of people. Most were amazing. A few weren't. Some are still here and I've been talking to them recently, some drifted away, some disappeared, and some are gone. I still worry about those that disappeared and am sad about those that left. Hopefully they are at peace now. As a whole my interactions with you have made my life better for the last year or so. At times I almost felt... human... I'm grateful to you. But in the end it just wasn't enough to overcome a lifetime of pain.
I'm stilling here thinking of all the things I should say and don't know how to say them. I feel I should've been more active on the forum too.
So, if you are reading this. Unless something catastrophic happened with the plans. I've finally left Hell.
