My trauma is giving me these flashbacks that make it hard to live

[𝑹𝒂𝒘 𝑷𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝑷𝒊𝒛𝒛𝒂]

I've been having these irrational (?) fears for a while, where everything I've been working hard for is for nothing, because all things get taken away from me, and I'm forced to do what someone else wants, and I've already lived something like this before, so it was quite traumatic, as I didn't have any form of support system and was completely alone.
I feel paralysed, it's like I can't live. I've lived years of my life glued to my bed, absolutely miserable, without enjoying anything at all, I thought I didn't deserve it, I thought nothing was worth it...I kinda have those things "wired" in my brain now, not that it's completely wired, but it feels absolutely real.

Now I'm trying to heal and I'm being reminded of all those feelings all over again. Making me feel that all this healing is for nothing, that I'll have to give up everything, that someone will intrude in my life and make me live how they want me to, without asking, without caring if that is what I want or not, it makes me so paranoid.

So I end up trying not to "live too much", enjoy too much, rest too much, do too much, because in my mind I imagine that if I do that, there'll be a "switch" going off and activating all those reactions from the universe, taking all away from me, telling me I can't do that, ruining everything.
And it's not like I tell anyone about the things I do. I tell no-one, so how could ask this get taken away from me, when I'm so protective of myself?

I think I'll try to push my buttons a little bit, challenge this trauma.

 

[timf]

Your description of your situation sounds a bit tactical. This may be an effective strategy. If you consider two opposing generals, they assess the situation in front of them and order probing attacks to gain the information as to where and how to commit their forces.

A series of small steps (experiments) might reveal areas that can be expanded for further advantage.

 

[cme-dme]

Oof, this hits very close to home for me. I understand your pain as somebody who is glued to their bed right now lol. It's scary when you try to heal because it gives you something to lose. It's much easier to just be miserable forever because then at least there is nothing anybody can take from you...or at least not as much.
Sometimes it feels like if you ever get anything good in life the universe will do everything in its power to take it away from you as soon as possible. It's hard when it feels like everything works against you believe me I know. I hope you can get yourself out of this hole you've found yourself in. I wish I had some advice to give but well, if I knew the answers to self improvement I wouldn't be on this forum :/

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Flashbacks are awful. I'm so sorry.