Venting My time is near

[VKVK]

Hope wavering, "recovery" clearly not working, can't see much at the end of the tunnel even if I were to get my life back together. I think now that maybe, maybe it was always supposed to be like this. But I've been having trouble truly accepting it because oh how it hurts. How it hurts...

I have every medicine I need, including the SN. Got some prop powder already that I smashed last week since I thought I'd finally go but didn't however I don't know if prop powder in ambient conditions will weaken or nullify its efficacy so I have more to smash in case anyway.

I hope you are all alright. I used to post more here on SS but I just feel so alone, despicable and miserable regardless... however some of you do understand the pain so I can't bitch.

Sometimes I daydream and wish I could go work a shit job in a 'first-world' country like the US just to get away from my past, my family and my loneliness. Maybe I could even get in better shape again working a manual job. I feel dead, and for good reason. I also don't believe there's an easy way out of this predicament for me and the panic attacks are brutal and I keep feeling like this despite any meds. No meds can give you a loving family or rewrite your psychological trauma. It's tough to admit I'm nothing and was always going to be nothing but in the end it's ok I think. I can express my thoughts here while I don't drink the salty concoction.

My bad for the shitty english. I love you all. I'm sorry for the bad luck you all had in life.

 

[Caterpillar]

I don't imagine what you have been through, whatever it was it sounds like it has been horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. I know i hate this participating in living amongst people as much as the next guy, but if i could meet you in person, I would have loved to hug you. I don't know your story but for a short while give you 1 minute where you may feel a little less lonely. Sending love, from Ireland. Not pitty. Love.
I want to say also that, even though I'm just a ghost on a screen, there's a person in the world that eyes just watered from reading your post. I'm sorry friend.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm sorry you're going through everything you are. I understand the day-to-day thing about existing and how tiring it all is. That's all any of us can do is try to get through the day as best as we can, for as long as we can. Your English is very good, BTW.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so cruel and unfair and to me it's sad how so much suffering exists. None of us should have to endure all this pain. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I know that it's hard to carry on when everything feels so hopeless. I hope that you find relief from what you have to endure.