HelloIamSummer
Very tired
- Nov 5, 2022
- 28
Hi.
I don't know how to begin this, nor what I even want to talk about. But I guess I just need to get something off my chest.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. The first time I remember being suicidal was when I was about 8 years old. I planned on starving myself to death. I know, a weird way to go, but keep in mind, I was eight. Which is Idk… sad? Then I started seriously considering suicide. Not impulsively. I remember this one summer. We went for a vacation with my family. We went to this tower, everyone went down, but I stayed there and fantasized about death. I was preparing to jump. But then SI kicked in. Then we went for a walk in a big garden. There was a maze from yew plants. And it just clicked. I researched it a lot. It's quite painfull, and death can come even within a few days from ingestion. But there is no antidote. I've read a report about a girl that died accidentally from ingesting yew tea. Quite effective. Or so I thought. I made three glasses of the tea. Called the suicide hotline on the way. The day I decided to CTB I watched the sunset, called my best friend and wrote a letter. I waited for the night to come and drank the tea. Then I went to sleep. And I woke up the next day. No one knew. I had drunk just a little because of the horrible taste, so that's probably why it failed. A few days later I had a major argument with my parents. So, I got up and went to the train tracks. I missed two trains. And right when I decided to go back, a man approached me and aske me if I was okay. I just burst into tears. He let my school know. My mom was furious. She screamed at me for being selfish and said that I didn't have a reason to be suicidal. I went to a therapist. She reffered me to more specialists and that's how I (voluntarily) ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Honestly, despite the fact I was really depressed, I enjoyed my stay there. I made new friends, went to therapy often and it was just so peacful and I didn't have to do much. I had a lot of time for myself. After a year of being out I came back. And again, it was quite nice.
So, that's my story. Now, I am in a bad state of mind. I always end up like this. No matter how hard I try I always do. And it got me thinking. Is it even worth it to try? I've tried all kinds of medication, I've been to a lot of therapists, I've tried changing literally everything in my life… I've been going to mental health chatrooms, but suicide is a banned topic there. I'm really grateful I came across this site. Anyway, I ordered the SN. It may be comming any day now. I have the antiemetics and antacids at home. I wanted to wait for a better time in my life, when I can think clearly and if I still want to CTB, I will. And it still sounds like a good plan. But I realised I'm not ready. All the preparing made me less suicidal. Because it came down to me. It's for real. I've been thinking about death so much, I've become desentisized. But I don't want to die for real.
I don't even know, if what I've written here made any sense. It's the middle of the night and I'm tired, but I couldn't fall asleep, until I got this off my chest. I'm pretty sure no one read this. But it's a good feeling having it on the screen and less in my mind.
Bye, Summer
I don't know how to begin this, nor what I even want to talk about. But I guess I just need to get something off my chest.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. The first time I remember being suicidal was when I was about 8 years old. I planned on starving myself to death. I know, a weird way to go, but keep in mind, I was eight. Which is Idk… sad? Then I started seriously considering suicide. Not impulsively. I remember this one summer. We went for a vacation with my family. We went to this tower, everyone went down, but I stayed there and fantasized about death. I was preparing to jump. But then SI kicked in. Then we went for a walk in a big garden. There was a maze from yew plants. And it just clicked. I researched it a lot. It's quite painfull, and death can come even within a few days from ingestion. But there is no antidote. I've read a report about a girl that died accidentally from ingesting yew tea. Quite effective. Or so I thought. I made three glasses of the tea. Called the suicide hotline on the way. The day I decided to CTB I watched the sunset, called my best friend and wrote a letter. I waited for the night to come and drank the tea. Then I went to sleep. And I woke up the next day. No one knew. I had drunk just a little because of the horrible taste, so that's probably why it failed. A few days later I had a major argument with my parents. So, I got up and went to the train tracks. I missed two trains. And right when I decided to go back, a man approached me and aske me if I was okay. I just burst into tears. He let my school know. My mom was furious. She screamed at me for being selfish and said that I didn't have a reason to be suicidal. I went to a therapist. She reffered me to more specialists and that's how I (voluntarily) ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Honestly, despite the fact I was really depressed, I enjoyed my stay there. I made new friends, went to therapy often and it was just so peacful and I didn't have to do much. I had a lot of time for myself. After a year of being out I came back. And again, it was quite nice.
So, that's my story. Now, I am in a bad state of mind. I always end up like this. No matter how hard I try I always do. And it got me thinking. Is it even worth it to try? I've tried all kinds of medication, I've been to a lot of therapists, I've tried changing literally everything in my life… I've been going to mental health chatrooms, but suicide is a banned topic there. I'm really grateful I came across this site. Anyway, I ordered the SN. It may be comming any day now. I have the antiemetics and antacids at home. I wanted to wait for a better time in my life, when I can think clearly and if I still want to CTB, I will. And it still sounds like a good plan. But I realised I'm not ready. All the preparing made me less suicidal. Because it came down to me. It's for real. I've been thinking about death so much, I've become desentisized. But I don't want to die for real.
I don't even know, if what I've written here made any sense. It's the middle of the night and I'm tired, but I couldn't fall asleep, until I got this off my chest. I'm pretty sure no one read this. But it's a good feeling having it on the screen and less in my mind.
Bye, Summer
