JohnnieWalkerDead
New Member
- May 24, 2020
- 3
I have a hard time even putting how I feel accurately into words.
My problems are mostly with women. I don't understand them and I don't know how to talk to them. It goes beyond awkwardness to something pathological. Never in my life have I been able to be with a woman I'm attracted to.
I don't even feel like I'm being unreasonable in wanting to be with someone I'm attracted to. I'm not aiming for supermodels here. At all. But sexual attraction is the entire basis of any relationship.
I've tried everything. I've even kept it minimal and tried saying "hi", and the reactions are almost universal. They look at me like some sort of lowly creeper.
I've been with women before that I'm not attracted to, and the experience is utterly torturous. I have to pretend it's someone else to even get an erection and I simply feel disgusted afterwards.
So an ugly and possibly socially retarded guy who is only attracted to 5's on up. And now I'm 31.
To sum it up. The prospect of being 40 and never having any kind of real relationship or intimacy to look back on horrifies me to the core. The level of suffering seems unimaginable, like my brain would literally disintegrate. But it wouldn't, and I'd be alive in a nightmare hell world that cuts me like shards of glass every second I exist.
I see people here with Lyme disease and all kinds of real terrible problems that make mine seem insignificant by comparison. But these terms that I must accept to keep existing like this are not something I'm prepared to live with.
I bought rope and am still mulling over what to leave in my note. The biggest thing holding me back is imagining the agony that my dad will experience when he finds out. So part of me wishes he would die so that I can do this. But then another part of me feels the most overwhelming grief at thinking about him dying and me having wished for it. I feel like I'm losing touch with reality and it's hard for me to even function at my shitty retail job.
Has anyone else out there gone through anything similar to this? And if you did, how did you make it through? Does it just get better and you come to accept it? I feel a violent and distinct rage at the thought of just laying down and accepting it.
Anyway, sorry if this is in the wrong section or anything.
My problems are mostly with women. I don't understand them and I don't know how to talk to them. It goes beyond awkwardness to something pathological. Never in my life have I been able to be with a woman I'm attracted to.
I don't even feel like I'm being unreasonable in wanting to be with someone I'm attracted to. I'm not aiming for supermodels here. At all. But sexual attraction is the entire basis of any relationship.
I've tried everything. I've even kept it minimal and tried saying "hi", and the reactions are almost universal. They look at me like some sort of lowly creeper.
I've been with women before that I'm not attracted to, and the experience is utterly torturous. I have to pretend it's someone else to even get an erection and I simply feel disgusted afterwards.
So an ugly and possibly socially retarded guy who is only attracted to 5's on up. And now I'm 31.
To sum it up. The prospect of being 40 and never having any kind of real relationship or intimacy to look back on horrifies me to the core. The level of suffering seems unimaginable, like my brain would literally disintegrate. But it wouldn't, and I'd be alive in a nightmare hell world that cuts me like shards of glass every second I exist.
I see people here with Lyme disease and all kinds of real terrible problems that make mine seem insignificant by comparison. But these terms that I must accept to keep existing like this are not something I'm prepared to live with.
I bought rope and am still mulling over what to leave in my note. The biggest thing holding me back is imagining the agony that my dad will experience when he finds out. So part of me wishes he would die so that I can do this. But then another part of me feels the most overwhelming grief at thinking about him dying and me having wished for it. I feel like I'm losing touch with reality and it's hard for me to even function at my shitty retail job.
Has anyone else out there gone through anything similar to this? And if you did, how did you make it through? Does it just get better and you come to accept it? I feel a violent and distinct rage at the thought of just laying down and accepting it.
Anyway, sorry if this is in the wrong section or anything.
