NSFW My Personal suicide attempt, I have nobody else to share this with

[youcancallmejohan]

I was done living this life, being ugly, short, and black my life was pretty much over romantically especially growing up in an all white area. On December 4th i decided I had enough. I already had a shotgun that I bought, which i intended for my suicide but i was hesitant because I was trying to find some justification to keep living despite my appearance and I never found that reason. So at night I went into the basement pulled out a chair, put the shotgun under my chin closed my eyes and thought of a final apology to my family. Just a warning (not giving advice) DO NOT SHOOT YOURSELF UNDER THE CHIN, after i pulled the trigger my head got sent flying back i lost my eyesight and hearing temporialy and the worst part is that I actually remained conscious. Of course thoughts started running through my head mostly how the FUCK did i survive it was a feeling you cant describe, after i regained my vision and hearing my jaw had practically fallen off and i could feel pools of blood falling out of my face, once i realized i was robbed of my instant death (becuase im a complete pussy who didnt have the courage to die a painful death like jumping off a bridge or slitting my wrist) i started crying out for my parents,(they told me later they thought the cat knocked down a large object) but because I had complete loss of my teeth and my tounge I could only make what you would describe as grogging noises my dad came down first, he was completly truamtized for somebody who rarely shows emotion and is pretty overall stoic i've never seen him break down like that before i felt terrible. And then when my mom came down she was just in complete shock she held my hand while my dad grabbed a towel to attempt to hold my face together. Of course my dad called the police, pleading to them to send an ambulence and once they came they grabbed me under the arms and helped me (somehow) walk up the stairs with little consciousness left. I forget to put this part in but little sister came down hearing all of the commotion, and once she saw my face she instantly fell down and started screaming, im such a selfish piece of shit im actually going to kill myself. Anyways once they got me into the ambulence the doctors or whatever their called were actually very casual about it, i guess theyve seen everything they weren't phased, a girl paramedic held my hand (first contact ive had with a women other than my mother btw) and they gave me fentanyl to help with the pain (greatest feeling in the world) anyways once the ambulence got to the hospital thats when i passed out and was immediatly sent into surgery. I was in the hospital for around 6 months before being sent to the psyche ward and had around 10 surgeries due to how significant the damage was (photo sent below)

 

[finalizemydemise]

youre stronger than me, far stronger. OHHH hey johan. Do you remember we discussed lookism before? Come back to mossad headquarters.

 

[youcancallmejohan]

youre stronger than me, far stronger. OHHH hey johan. Do you remember we discussed lookism before? Come back to mossad headquarters.

WHAAAAT YOU REMEMBER ME BRO? HOWWWWWW, WHATS YOUR DISCORD HABIBI

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry to hear. A number of years ago, a young woman shot her face off the same way. She's since gotten a face transplant, it made world news. I'm sure you want to CTB for other reasons, and not everyone is eligible for a face transplant, but just thought I'd put that out there as something to possibly ask about if you still had any interest in living & want to feel more comfortable in doing so.

 

[youcancallmejohan]

I'm sorry to hear. A number of years ago, a young woman shot her face off the same way. She's since gotten a face transplant, it made world news. I'm sure you want to CTB for other reasons, and not everyone is eligible for a face transplant, but just thought I'd put that out there as something to possibly ask about if you still had any interest in living & want to feel more comfortable in doing so.

thank you, i don't think a face transplant is possible for me. Because i only mostly damaged my lower thirds, but i can't live with this face either. I have no choice but to try again

 

[maggineko]

This is compelling! I didn't expect the photo either and honestly winced a little. You're very strong for still being here while going through all of this. I'm so sorry that things were made harder for you, and hope you're recovering well now

 

[youcancallmejohan]

This is compelling! I didn't expect the photo either and honestly winced a little. You're very strong for still being here while going through all of this. I'm so sorry that things were made harder for you, and hope you're recovering well now

im sorry if the photo caught you off guard i should've put a better warning, thanks for sympathizing with me if you're going through anything im equally here for you.

 

[maggineko]

im sorry if the photo caught you off guard i should've put a better warning, thanks for sympathizing with me if you're going through anything im equally here for you.

Hey, all good! I smoke, so I'm used to seeing these kind of photographs. And thanks really hope you're doing better, dude

 

[SilentVelvet]

It's incredibly brave of you to share this with us. May I ask how the people around you are handling everything right now? What is your relationship with your parents like?

I'm wishing you all the strength and peace you deserve

 

[TimeTraveling4]

thank you, i don't think a face transplant is possible for me. Because i only mostly damaged my lower thirds, but i can't live with this face either. I have no choice but to try again

Are you still suicidal? How old were you when you attempted.

 

[youcancallmejohan]

Are you still suicidal? How old were you when you attempted

im still suicidal and plan on attempting again very soon, I was 18 years old when I attempted and now I'm 19, its been about 7-8 months.

It's incredibly brave of you to share this with us. May I ask how the people around you are handling everything right now? What is your relationship with your parents like?

I'm wishing you all the strength and peace you deserve

first thank you, now that everyone has been given time to process and the shock is over. Everyone is just glad that I'm still here, and doing their best to comfort me now that the physical recovery is almost over. But i must admit i feel extremely because my family and loved ones all believe my survival was a miracle, just for me to attempt and most likely be successful my second time.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

im still suicidal and plan on attempting again very soon, I was 18 years old when I attempted and now I'm 19, its been about 7-8 months.

first thank you, now that everyone has been given time to process and the shock is over. Everyone is just glad that I'm still here, and doing their best to comfort me now that the physical recovery is almost over. But i must admit i feel extremely because my family and loved ones all believe my survival was a miracle, just for me to attempt and most likely be successful my second time.

How does your face look like now if you don't mind sharing. Are you going to use a shotgun again?