I vented on tumblr. Parents found it. Fuck. said if i left the house tonight, theyd call the cops. Fuck. my worst nightmare came true.
I deserve this. In high school, i reported a kid for saying he wanted to kill himself. This is my punishment. And my parents brought it up too, saying that i should understand because i did it too. As if i dont hate myself for what i did.
I work from home and need my work setup to work, so i cant run away. I was just honestly going to be homeless because being in the house with parents who know im suicidal isnt safe and i feel sick being home with them. I know it isnt easy, i just dont know what else to do. But my job demands me stay here.
I cant feel anything. ten years of this bullshit. I almost want to run away now so my parents will call the cops just because I want to make the situation worse for everyone involved. Not for any reason at all, just because its over for me.
But i promised id stay alive. Im too much a coward anyway to do it.
Ill miss my parents, but after this, I dont think I can really "love" them. Its just no longer safe to have a genuine relationship with them. Every time im around my parents, I already feel so much guilt and remember how shitty of a human being that I am. Now, I feel afraid too.
Im selfish and immature and no matter what i do, i always end up hurting people. But I just dont have it in me to care. Too much adrenaline. Im exhausted but cant sleep because i feel awful. Im turning 23 in a week and im still an immature, selfish, annoying person.
Anyways, its over. I dont see how after something like this that it could possibly get better. But i promised to stay alive, so ill just have to deal, i suppose. Being the leech that i am on everyone around me.
I deserve this. In high school, i reported a kid for saying he wanted to kill himself. This is my punishment. And my parents brought it up too, saying that i should understand because i did it too. As if i dont hate myself for what i did.
I work from home and need my work setup to work, so i cant run away. I was just honestly going to be homeless because being in the house with parents who know im suicidal isnt safe and i feel sick being home with them. I know it isnt easy, i just dont know what else to do. But my job demands me stay here.
I cant feel anything. ten years of this bullshit. I almost want to run away now so my parents will call the cops just because I want to make the situation worse for everyone involved. Not for any reason at all, just because its over for me.
But i promised id stay alive. Im too much a coward anyway to do it.
Ill miss my parents, but after this, I dont think I can really "love" them. Its just no longer safe to have a genuine relationship with them. Every time im around my parents, I already feel so much guilt and remember how shitty of a human being that I am. Now, I feel afraid too.
Im selfish and immature and no matter what i do, i always end up hurting people. But I just dont have it in me to care. Too much adrenaline. Im exhausted but cant sleep because i feel awful. Im turning 23 in a week and im still an immature, selfish, annoying person.
Anyways, its over. I dont see how after something like this that it could possibly get better. But i promised to stay alive, so ill just have to deal, i suppose. Being the leech that i am on everyone around me.
