Help My life start to be a little too serious

[Nwaru]

My life is starting to become more and more serious, and my BPD is going absolutely crazy.

Let me explain.

Hi! I'm a 23-year-old French woman. I've been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past five years. Since last December, I've been living with her and her parents.

Long story short, after a falling out with my former best friend, I ended up homeless. Even though my girlfriend and I had only met in person twice before, her family welcomed me into their home and gave me a place to stay while I got back on my feet.

For the past year, I had been waiting for government assistance due to my inability to work. About two weeks ago, my application was finally approved, and yesterday I received my first payment.
Not only that, but I also received a year's worth of back pay, which amounted to a fairly significant sum of money.

My girlfriend is still waiting for her own application to be processed, but as we had discussed and planned for months, I immediately started looking for apartments once my benefits came through. I created a Google document to organize and compare our options, and we've already started taking our first steps with an organization that helps young adults become independent.

And that's where things start to weigh on me.

This was always the plan. We talked about it for months. We knew it would happen eventually.
But despite the fact that I trust my girlfriend completely, none of it felt real.
I don't know how to explain it.
It just didn't feel real.

Maybe my brain convinced itself that it was too good to be true. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism to protect me from disappointment or prepare me for failure.
But ever since we started taking concrete steps toward moving in together, my BPD has gone completely off the rails.

Every night, I wake up from nightmares where my girlfriend abandons me, screams at me, or tells me she never loved me in the first place.
My fear of abandonment has become overwhelming.
I've caught myself thinking about breaking up with her preemptively because I'm convinced she's going to leave me eventually anyway.
I'm also incredibly on edge. The smallest thing can trigger a split, and I find myself consumed with anger over tiny, insignificant details.
My episodes are becoming more frequent and harder to manage.

I'm trying not to let my girlfriend see how bad it's getting because I don't want to worry her, but I desperately need to talk about it.
I know communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship, and normally I talk to her about these kinds of things.
But this?
I can't.

I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts, my self-destructive tendencies, and most of all, I'm terrified.
I'm afraid she'll think I was never serious about our relationship if she finds out that these are the thoughts I'm having now that everything is becoming real.

I've always given this relationship everything I had.
It's the only relationship where I've ever truly believed that something real, something lasting, could happen.
And yet my brain refuses to accept that possibility.

I've been disappointed so many times in my life. Every time I allowed myself to become attached to someone, every time I started imagining a future, I ended up abandoned and left alone to deal with problems that other people had created.
I'm scared that if I tell her all of this, she'll start doubting whether I really mean what I've always said.
I've never wanted anything as much as the future we've promised each other.
But I'm so convinced that I'm going to ruin everything that sometimes I wonder if I'm already doing it without realizing it.

I love her so much.

She's the only reason I've ever been able to imagine a future for myself.
I've never been interested in life. Not in having a future, not in building a dream life—none of it ever mattered to me.
I've spent years trying not to be here anymore, and all those attempts ever gave me were consequences I still carry today.

But with her, I feel okay.
Genuinely okay.
I sleep properly.
I eat properly.
I breathe properly.

For the first time in my life, those things feel real.

She understands things that nobody should reasonably be expected to understand.
She pays attention to me.
She took the time to learn about my disorders so she could help me manage them better.
She's the only person who has never blamed me for struggling and never invalidated my feelings.
Even if I burst into tears because I can't find a sock, she doesn't laugh at me.
She just stays with me.

The fact that I'm here writing this probably proves that I'm not mentally stable right now.
But if I'm going to live, I want it to be with her.
And I'm terrified of ruining everything because I can't bring myself to tell her what's really going on inside my head.

 

[idkplshelp]

I have similar thoughts and I used to share them with my girlfriend sometimes. Although I felt that I could trust her for not thinking that I'm crazy due to it.. But now that we broke up I often times think that did my sharing of such things drove her away? Besides many other things like I'm jobless and extremely amotivated to the extent of not maintaining personal hygiene etc.. coz also she joked several times that I hid many things about myself otherwise she would have thought about being with me.. Sorry I don't mean to scare you.. These are my thoughts now that we broke up (actually she broke up with me) BUT at that point, she would always demand that I share anything and everything that crossed my mind and she was supportive to clear my irrational doubts and stuff.. SO I think yes you should share everything with your partner, you'll definitely get support. Maybe I'm just getting paranoid due to anxiety and Depression from my fresh break up.. It's been just 2 weeks. Sorry if I'm over sharing or it seems more like a rant than an answer. I'm talking more maybe coz I'm very disturbed due to it. Anyways, signing off..

 

[Nwaru]

I'm really sorry about your breakup. I hope you're holding up okay.

I actually talked to my girlfriend about all of this, and just like you said, she was incredibly supportive. But there's one thing that really resonated with me: I'm terrified it'll eventually push her away.

Every relationship I've had ended because my partners said the emotional burden was "too much." The thing is, I wasn't dumping everything on them out of nowhere—I was just being honest about the intrusive, sometimes really dark thoughts I was having, because they had asked me to tell them everything.

She keeps telling me she knows what she's getting into, that she's prepared for it, and that she wants me to be open with her. I trust her, but I still can't shake the fear that if I'm too open, one day it'll become too much for her too.

I know that's probably my anxiety talking more than reality, but it's a really difficult fear to let go of.

I'm not ready to lose her over something like this. I mean... yes, it does help me to talk to her, but for a long time now these are things I've mostly learned to handle on my own anyway.

Lastly, you can vent here as much as you need to, and this really did sound like an honest response, which I really appreciate.

 

[idkplshelp]

Yes my ex said the same things.. And I think that she would have even supported me. She broke up with me coz (she and her unhealthy baby are living off her father's support in his house) her dad asked not to make a future with me. There's another backstory to why he said so but I'll leave it for the next time, if you want to know. Oh btw it was long distance. Sorry, if my reply sounds disorganised, coz that is exactly how I am rn.
So, yes, she used to help me speak out and clear many such thoughts among others, its common in long distance ig. She used to also help me just get the energy to get out of bed every morning, do chores, keep myself my room my house clean, and whatnot. And still she used to love me. I have anxiety disorder so I get paranoid sometimes like did she go away coz of all this. Maybe she isn't telling me the truth coz I would get hurt, but it could be true. It kills me.
So, yeah I'm just sharing my experience so it can benefit you if it may. I myself am not sure about anything, as you can see. Sorry, if I'm taking too much of your time. It's nice to share with someone as otherwise it's really hard.