Story my life is improving but its flaws remain detrimental

[Worst creature]

a few days ago something happened in my life that I kind of bet my life on. If that point in my life went bad (im beeing vague for privacy reasons) It likely wouldve pushed me over the edge and towards ending my life. it went well and now other things in my life are too, but some of my lifes core issues (mainly the fact that im floating through life instead of living) keep shining a light on the noose from my point of view. the happyness in my life is a fragile thing and at times I look back at my past, wondering if I deserve happyness at all... Ive done some regrettable things.

all in all ive been for years swinging between fighting for a better future and craving death.

I hope yall like my vague story... Idk why i told it... maybe to cry out for help ?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Are you relieved the life milestone went well or, were you hoping it would bring you a new sense of hope which hasn't quite happened? I suppose everyone's happiness is fragile ultimately. We can never be quite sure what's lurking on the horizon.

Maybe all we have is whether we can cope in the moment and near future. And whether what we have or what's holding us back is strong enough. I really relate to 'floating along' but then, I suppose I find that preferable now- as opposed to struggling against the current.

 

[Worst creature]

Are you relieved the life milestone went well or, were you hoping it would bring you a new sense of hope which hasn't quite happened? I suppose everyone's happiness is fragile ultimately. We can never be quite sure what's lurking on the horizon.

Maybe all we have is whether we can cope in the moment and near future. And whether what we have or what's holding us back is strong enough. I really relate to 'floating along' but then, I suppose I find that preferable now- as opposed to struggling against the current.

I was hoping it would go well, I knew it wouldnt make my life much better if it went well, but it would make my life worse if it went badly. the problems in my life still haunt me... Im basically dead and trying todo the opposite of CTB in life, yet ive been fighting a loosing battle since Ive been like... 14 I think, maybe even longer ? I love creating things but I cant start without a heavy baseline of stimulation... (maybe its an autism thing ?) Nothing is fun without that baseline leaving me with no more strength than todo whatever i feel like at the moment. Add on some... weird quirks (I cant quite explain it but Im almost certain that I dont just have autism) and you get a Lump of self-esteemlessness that ocasionally does something great... and hates its life. (and also isnt mature enough for its age) yea im just crying for help at this point and idk why