Venting My last week

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I'm doing my best to be appreciative of all the things I'm doing for the last time but it's hard. It's like I can't find the lever in my brain that makes me realize I'm never going to walk to that coffee shop again or talk to this person again. Like the finality of it all hasn't completely set in for my subconscious. Part of me wants to put it off for the the third or fourth time so I can have all the time in the world to write my note and finish the book I'm in the middle of, but surviving Christmas sounds dreadful, and even though I hate the holidays I don't want to ruin it for my family by doing it like two or three days before the 25th.

Plus, I don't know. I guess I was hoping these last few days would give me some closure or something. That I would feel it all coming to end, but I still feel just as bitter, empty, and clueless as before. I feel like I need to wait until I have, like, an all-knowing acceptance of the void or something, but I don't even know what that would look like. Part of me is still afraid I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, and I hoped that this week would fill me with confidence about my decision, but I just don't feel any different. But I guess I just need to push through the last stretch. I've done more than enough contemplating.

See y'all in a week, hopefully.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess it is hard to comprehend the fact that this will all end as after all existence is all we know. I wish you the best with your plans. I hope you find peace.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I relate to you so much. With a decision like this you want to go in peace and completely assured. I actually had that peaceful moment a few weeks ago but couldn't go through with it cause' I didn't have all the meds. I'm just curious, what makes you feel you have to ctb since you don't seem done with the small pleasures of life? Not that I believe that means you don't actually want to ctb - I know better than that. In regards to ever truly accepting that this is the last time you'll be doing those little things.. I don't know if one can.

 

[xcaramel]

Hello friend
I'm also committing suicide within the next few days. It still feels surreal. I can't really feel too much except my heart beating in my throat and my eyelids feeling heavy.

I know what you are saying; the finality of it all is hard to wrap your head around definitely. But I imagine that when you die your consciousness stops so you won't even realize all of the "lasts" you have had. So in the end it probably is a lot quicker and less eventful than we are imagining. Consciousness terminates and from something there is nothing.

I hope to see you on the other side in a more wonderful place. Maybe another world awaits us.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I relate to you so much. With a decision like this you want to go in peace and completely assured. I actually had that peaceful moment a few weeks ago but couldn't go through with it cause' I didn't have all the meds. I'm just curious, what makes you feel you have to ctb since you don't seem done with the small pleasures of life? Not that I believe that means you don't actually want to ctb - I know better than that. In regards to ever truly accepting that this is the last time you'll be doing those little things.. I don't know if one can.

I'm currently in a situation where I'm neither in school or employment. If it was sustainable I'd probably stay a few more years, at the very least just finish off some things on my bucket list I never got around to. It's honestly been not too horrible these past few months without having to work, but everyone is expecting me to get back to the rat races after the Holidays, which is something I have no intention of doing.

I guess the small pleasures just become hard to notice under a pile of work and responsibility.