My fucked up life...

[TiGz]

Hi guys i hope u won't mind if I tell u a bit about my life, why i hate myself and the thought of death giving peace...

I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder (but i have more depression than mania.) 10 years ago when i was still in the 11th grade... i had my first and only manic episode tht lasted for about 2 years until i crashed and got admitted to a psych ward. After tht ive only been having really bad depression... ive tried to kill myself so many times even at school (i was in a boarding school) Back then i really thought killing urself is easy, cuz i always heard ppl saying u can lose ur life in a blink of an eye. In some ways i agree with this, but not entirely! It is insanely difficult to "lose ur life" by ur own hand...

As the years went by, things just got worse and i fell deeper and deeper into depression! I have 2 brothers (an older one and other brother and i are twins) My older brother got accepted into medical school and my twin brother as well when we graduated from high school. They are both extremely intelligent and have finished medical school... But here i am taking forever to complete some teaching course. Im 28 and still dependent on my parents. My dad is a doctor as well and my mom is a nurse. I literally ended up as the black sheep of the family...

My life today is just one big useless fuck up, my family is getting fed up with me (i totally understand tht) and i hate myself so much! I would pay someone to kill me quickly, like a gun shot or whatever. I really want to die and end this shit tht is me! It would be the best thing ever! I and know those who know me will agree with me as time passes by after my death, like a blessing in disguise...

I hope u guys can make out what i meant in the above, cuz i was crying all the way and i dont want to read it.

 

[chocolatebar]

As someone close to your age who still live with his parents, I relate a lot to you and understand part of your pain. I feel like I lost all my youth here, without ever having any control of my life (if I can call that a life) and ctb seems like the only time when I will act with freedom.

However, I'd like to point out some things. First, we are here only because our parents decided to and, when they took this decision, they accepted all possible outcomes, so, they can never get fed up with you. On feeling inferior to your siblings, this is just social pressure. We aren't here with any objective and, when we die, everything we did won't matter anymore, so, just try to live your life, doing what makes you feel good and forget about them. I know it's easier said than done, but try to look at your life with you being the center of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sorry to hear you are suffering, living really can be painful. Thinking of death brings me peace too, as it is the one escape from this life. I wish you well.