Venting My friend probably CTB’d and I feel conflicted

[ireallylikemangoes]

It's been a while since I posted here, I've been on a rather unsteady path of recovery and relapse during my absence from here and I just have something I need to get off my chest.

My friend probably attempted CTB, I do not know if they are successful and I don't know if I want to know. I feel incredibly conflicted with this situation and I know it may be selfish for me to talk about my feelings regarding this matter, but I think I might spiral if I kept it to myself any longer.

I know that they use this site, they know i also use this site too. (We do not know each other's usernames however) This was one of the reasons we bonded, we share the view that if people have a right to live, they should also have a right to choose death. My friend has been open about their suicidal ideations and has said that they will CTB in the future, I usually try to make life for them more pleasant by complimenting them and talking about our interests together. I can't and won't stop them if they do decide to CTB because I of all people should understand.. but it feels terrible

It feels terrible that during the time I was busy with work, they had announced that they will attempt. I wasn't even there for them when they needed support, I might sound like a selfish pro-lifer but I could've convinced them to live just a little longer.

I still don't know if they are alive or dead, and I hate myself for wishing that they were alive and well. I'm so selfish

 

[wren-briar]

First and foremost

You absolutely aren't being selfish talking about your feelings and you absolutely don't sound like a pro-lifer.

As for not reaching out, I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

Playing devil's advocate: if you found out tomorrow that they had CTB tonight, and knew —knew with absolute certainty— that had you reached out to them they wouldn't, would it change your decision to reach out to them?

Playing pure ally: I am purposely (and have been for a while) reducing my contact with friends, because there really isn't anything they can do to affect me CTB, and at this point, I just really want them to move on with their lives and remember me before I was made actively suicidal.

You know your friend better than we do. Do you think they're not reaching out to you because they're trying to be a good friend and make it easier for you to move on after they've CTB, or is because they might change their mind if you two talk about what's going on?

Regardless, I hope you both find the peace that you need!