My Current Situation / Ideation

[Originaldon]

I don't know why I felt the need to post this. I recognise this forum as a place where I can relate to people and do not feel abnormal.
Long story short - Ex caused serious trauma and then just discarded me 3 months ago. I spent the last 3 months in a horrendous depressive and unbearable anxiety ridden ruminating state. The suicidal ideation was extremely strong in terms of an escape.
last weekend she wanted to talk about things ( not in a good way) anyway I spent 2 hours talking over everything, how she made me feel and everything id had on my mind the last 3 months.

I spent the weekend primal crying , I describe it like that because I've never cried like that in my life. It wasn't sobbing from the eyes it was pure bodily just crying and almost groaning.

I wake up the next day with no anxiety and the ruminating thoughts which I previously could not control and took over my head were gone and have been since.

However the situation I now find myself in is that although the excruciating rumination anxiety and suicidal thoughts have gone, I am now left in a hopeless depressed but calm state. I'm very depressed and down. I can't stop thinking about everything although not as intensely anymore.
My mind goes from definite CTB to thinking it's a crazy idea every 10 minutes, although majority of the time it is CTB and hopeless depression.

If you were to meet me you would tell me I had no reason to CTB and it sounds like I am getting better. I am not sure if this is true or if that I have just given up and I am calm and hopeless about life or a future.

it is very hard to describe and I will be doing my best to describe to my therapist this evening. I just wanted to share and garner any opinions.

Thanks x

 

[Apricity]

Going through the same thing, except I still have to live with mine and sleep in the same bed. I have to look at her every day and see no pain or sadness in her eyes over our marriage falling apart, she laughs and smiles like nothing ever happened.

 

[logan]

I think your feelings in this situation are quite normal. Only time can heal that.

Maybe you will find each other again. But such conversations can open the wounds again immediately.

In any case, I wish you - no matter how it ends - get back on your feet.

 

[toforigivelife]

You just described what I'm going through.

For different reasons and in reaction to a different situation; but after enduring severe, unbearable anxiety every single day for the past eight months straight, mornings were the worst, there were mornings where I'd wake up convulsing with anxiety, daytime was pure hell and dealing with clinical depression at the same time I find myself in a, as you described, a more calm, rational state of mind but still wanting to either have a sudden, fatal heart attack so that my family doesn't have to deal with my commiting suicide or still wanting to cbt.

It almost feels somehow immoral to cbt while in a generally calmer, more rational state of mind.

For me it's more like a practical solution - because, trust me, my situation has not improved - more like suicide wouid be the sensible thing to do rather than for emotional reasons.

While I still have my decent days and my horrible days, maybe I'll get lucky and plunge back into the hell I've been suffering, lose all sense of reason and suicide will seem as natural as dying of natural causes again.

It is your decision. But if you have stability in your life as far as having a stable place to live and are receiving professional help then, and this just my opinion, you may want to at least give yourself a chance and see if you can heal and recover from this.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Originaldon]

Going through the same thing, except I still have to live with mine and sleep in the same bed. I have to look at her every day and see no pain or sadness in her eyes over our marriage falling apart, she laughs and smiles like nothing ever happened.

Apricity, I know nothing of your situation. As people know nothing really of mine. But if I was in your shoes and could take my own advice. I'd sit the girl down and tell her we need to talk and be completely and utterly honest with her. The biggest regret I have is bottling up my horrendous emotions and letting it destroy us really.

You just described what I'm going through.

For different reasons and in reaction to a different situation; but after enduring severe, unbearable anxiety every single day for the past eight months straight, mornings were the worst, there were mornings where I'd wake up convulsing with anxiety, daytime was pure hell and dealing with clinical depression at the same time I find myself in a, as you described, a more calm, rational state of mind but still wanting to either have a sudden, fatal heart attack so that my family doesn't have to deal with my commiting suicide or still wanting to cbt.

It almost feels somehow immoral to cbt while in a generally calmer, more rational state of mind.

For me it's more like a practical solution - because, trust me, my situation has not improved - more like suicide wouid be the sensible thing to do rather than for emotional reasons.

While I still have my decent days and my horrible days, maybe I'll get lucky and plunge back into the hell I've been suffering, lose all sense of reason and suicide will seem as natural as dying of natural causes again.

It is your decision. But if you have stability in your life as far as having a stable place to live and are receiving professional help then, and this just my opinion, you may want to at least give yourself a chance and see if you can heal and recover from this.

Wishing you all the best.

I totally and completely understand you, especially the part about being in a rational calmer mood and CTB. However like you my situation has not improved, if anything it is worse. Although the anxiety has gone I now just suffer empty low and hopeless moods all day long. Without the anxiety I get brief release but nothing to give me any hope. As fucked up as it sounds it would have been far easier and more selfish/ impulsive to go while my anxiety destroyed me. I do also wonder if the calmness really is actually the better place to be in. The decision and thoughts are still there just through a calmer and more thoughtful mind. Although I am depressed I am also fairly intelligent and can be rational.
I have simply lost all hope and I don't know if there is any point or reason to carry on. I debate recovery and making the effort, but I like many people on here have tried and failed too many times.

I appreciate your replies and it is good to share.

 

[Apricity]

@Originaldon I've already had several conversations with my wife about this. She simply doesn't care.

 

[Originaldon]

@Originaldon I've already had several conversations with my wife about this. She simply doesn't care.

Totally respect you Apricity I was simply giving my own perspective on my own relationship. Like I said I do not know your situation and in no way will I try to comment on your situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot, I'm sorry you are suffering. I can imagine how tiring it must be having to deal with the changing of emotions. I get that it is hard to be trapped in a hopeless situation but I wish you the best.

 

[Originaldon]

It sounds like you have been through a lot, I'm sorry you are suffering. I can imagine how tiring it must be having to deal with the changing of emotions. I get that it is hard to be trapped in a hopeless situation but I wish you the best.

Appreciate the comment. It is exhausting being so up and down but then it was exhausting when it was constant anxiety. Cannot win but I do not miss that feeling so much!