I have been through a very strange year. I got completely broken by a Narccicist. It left me severe PTSD driven anxiety and depression. I have had several emotional stages and changes.
1.Unbearable anxiety attacks 24/7 / depression and PTSD episodes. Every minute of every Day. This is that burning desperation of life is hell and I will do something impulsive to make it stop.
2. Loss of Anxiety , Loss of ideation. Being terrified now of no answer or will to CTB despite wanting to? Very confusing as I found this troubling and terrifying.
3. My current stage, calm , relaxed what some people have described as me seeming better and myself again. Yet I cannot stop thinking about killing my self. I do not have that burning desperation. I do not know what this means as in my head half of me thinks that I have just accepted the decision and I am calm and rational. The other half of me does not know if this is me on the path to recovery. I do not care about anything. I have no motivation. I do not want to do anything. I am not happy ever. Yet while at work or socialising I seem and feel a bit more normal. Is this because I am at peace with my decision or that I am simply recovering.
The really fucked up thing as discussed with my therapist is do I want to recover? This isn't a choice but a natural instinct and genuine feeling. I have also stopped taking my anti depressants a couple of days ago in all honesty, I feel like I want that burning desperation and anxiety back to be able to go through with the act.
I am taking the week of work next week. I intend on using this time to consider what I really want despite spending all year thinking about it.
it really is a fucked up situation inside my head. Whether I have just instinctively stopped caring about every thing.
1.Unbearable anxiety attacks 24/7 / depression and PTSD episodes. Every minute of every Day. This is that burning desperation of life is hell and I will do something impulsive to make it stop.
2. Loss of Anxiety , Loss of ideation. Being terrified now of no answer or will to CTB despite wanting to? Very confusing as I found this troubling and terrifying.
3. My current stage, calm , relaxed what some people have described as me seeming better and myself again. Yet I cannot stop thinking about killing my self. I do not have that burning desperation. I do not know what this means as in my head half of me thinks that I have just accepted the decision and I am calm and rational. The other half of me does not know if this is me on the path to recovery. I do not care about anything. I have no motivation. I do not want to do anything. I am not happy ever. Yet while at work or socialising I seem and feel a bit more normal. Is this because I am at peace with my decision or that I am simply recovering.
The really fucked up thing as discussed with my therapist is do I want to recover? This isn't a choice but a natural instinct and genuine feeling. I have also stopped taking my anti depressants a couple of days ago in all honesty, I feel like I want that burning desperation and anxiety back to be able to go through with the act.
I am taking the week of work next week. I intend on using this time to consider what I really want despite spending all year thinking about it.
it really is a fucked up situation inside my head. Whether I have just instinctively stopped caring about every thing.
