Cosmiq
Student
- May 7, 2020
- 197
I thought I'd be managing better by now, like that I'd feel like I could go see him and hold it together and pretend I'm fine for just this one day. I never want to see him when I can't pretend that I at least have some good days. I can't control how he'll feel when I ctb, but I can make sure that the last memories we create that they're happy for him. That he'll remember the moments and see smiles and not how broken of a person I am. One of the reasons I actually want to jump is because I know it'll be messy. I have little faith in a mortician being able to make me look "right".
I got him a custom gift, but I felt like going to drop it off at 12 in the morning rather than trying to find some strength at another point in the day to do it. Now I'm waiting and hoping that I'll be able to pull it together while also trying to reassure him that even though I missed his birthday that I'm doing fine. I can't choose how I want to sign his card and his gift. I feel like I'm paranoid about how I word things because I was beginning to become careless with so many things. I ended send him a text last night in the last hour of his birthday, having multiple anxiety attacks before I could finally send it. Then I turned my phone off along with everything else to avoid getting a call or text back from him I also felt extremely drained.
I feel bad, because I told myself to make it through one more of his birthdays along with my nieces who's birthday about two weeks from now. But if I missed it than what's even the point of waiting.
I got him a custom gift, but I felt like going to drop it off at 12 in the morning rather than trying to find some strength at another point in the day to do it. Now I'm waiting and hoping that I'll be able to pull it together while also trying to reassure him that even though I missed his birthday that I'm doing fine. I can't choose how I want to sign his card and his gift. I feel like I'm paranoid about how I word things because I was beginning to become careless with so many things. I ended send him a text last night in the last hour of his birthday, having multiple anxiety attacks before I could finally send it. Then I turned my phone off along with everything else to avoid getting a call or text back from him I also felt extremely drained.
I feel bad, because I told myself to make it through one more of his birthdays along with my nieces who's birthday about two weeks from now. But if I missed it than what's even the point of waiting.
