fannnng
New Member
- Apr 27, 2022
- 3
New to the forum and thought I might as well share something about my situation because, honestly, I feel that I can't truly share it with anyone else, which hurts a lot.
My attempt would have been late last year. I was dealing with a lot of emotions and started using alcohol as well as some other substances like; -Benzos, coke & MDMA and just partying and being reckless every week to blanket what i was going through. This was going on for close to 2 years before the attempt on a regular basis at least 3-4 times a week. I ended up seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and put on sertraline 25 mg dose, but ended up at 200 mg per day towards the end. I felt good for a bit, numb, with little to no emotion, but eventually I hated it and I started to self harm. Not only that, but I never considered cutting before this, it was strange but the feeling of euphoria with each cut felt amazing, I guess this all was just leading up to the night where I finally had enough.
I was out drinking like usual and this particular night I was pretty emotional and just decided tonight's the night I'd just take a bunch of Xanax and drink heaps and see what happens, so I left my friends behind and drove to my usual person for the xan's. Ended up leaving with 20 bars and I would have only been 10 mins away from home. My dumbass couldn't wait, and I decided then and there I'd gobble all those bars down in the car and drive home. I was about 4 mins away from home going 80 km/h when I passed out behind the wheel. I woke up a day later in the ER I was confused and upset, and my family was all there devastated. I was in a neck brace because the doctors believed I might have broken my back which was a terrifying thought to wrap my head around, I broke a bunch of ribs and I ended up cutting the back of my head open in the crash. I remember the doctor coming in and telling me how close I was to losing my life when I made it to the ER by ambulance, Kinda crushed me I was that close.
Anyway, was in the ER for a bit longer until they could confirm my back was ok, and thankfully it was, so I was able to leave after speaking with some social workers about the situation and headed home. The car was destroyed, I apparently passed out and drove off the road, hitting a tree side on, and that was that. Thinking back on it now, I regret it, and I'm so thankful it was just me and how bad it could have been if that wasn't a tree but another car, or a family who had nothing to do with my situation... After all that, I must have been dealing with some mental trauma from the crash, I felt like I started to lose grip of reality. I was sleeping constantly, dreams that felt so real I didn't even realize I was dreaming/sleeping, and I'd wake up not knowing if I was awake or still dreaming. It was terrifying, and this went on for a few weeks.
I've somewhat recovered fully from that all now at least physically, but mentally I still feel lost, and lately I can feel myself slipping back to that spot where I was before, ready to just end it... but this time not fuck up or put anyone else in danger. I really don't know myself anymore, everyday feels like a struggle and I just feel like a disappointment. That's my rant done, thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing better than me. :)
My attempt would have been late last year. I was dealing with a lot of emotions and started using alcohol as well as some other substances like; -Benzos, coke & MDMA and just partying and being reckless every week to blanket what i was going through. This was going on for close to 2 years before the attempt on a regular basis at least 3-4 times a week. I ended up seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and put on sertraline 25 mg dose, but ended up at 200 mg per day towards the end. I felt good for a bit, numb, with little to no emotion, but eventually I hated it and I started to self harm. Not only that, but I never considered cutting before this, it was strange but the feeling of euphoria with each cut felt amazing, I guess this all was just leading up to the night where I finally had enough.
I was out drinking like usual and this particular night I was pretty emotional and just decided tonight's the night I'd just take a bunch of Xanax and drink heaps and see what happens, so I left my friends behind and drove to my usual person for the xan's. Ended up leaving with 20 bars and I would have only been 10 mins away from home. My dumbass couldn't wait, and I decided then and there I'd gobble all those bars down in the car and drive home. I was about 4 mins away from home going 80 km/h when I passed out behind the wheel. I woke up a day later in the ER I was confused and upset, and my family was all there devastated. I was in a neck brace because the doctors believed I might have broken my back which was a terrifying thought to wrap my head around, I broke a bunch of ribs and I ended up cutting the back of my head open in the crash. I remember the doctor coming in and telling me how close I was to losing my life when I made it to the ER by ambulance, Kinda crushed me I was that close.
Anyway, was in the ER for a bit longer until they could confirm my back was ok, and thankfully it was, so I was able to leave after speaking with some social workers about the situation and headed home. The car was destroyed, I apparently passed out and drove off the road, hitting a tree side on, and that was that. Thinking back on it now, I regret it, and I'm so thankful it was just me and how bad it could have been if that wasn't a tree but another car, or a family who had nothing to do with my situation... After all that, I must have been dealing with some mental trauma from the crash, I felt like I started to lose grip of reality. I was sleeping constantly, dreams that felt so real I didn't even realize I was dreaming/sleeping, and I'd wake up not knowing if I was awake or still dreaming. It was terrifying, and this went on for a few weeks.
I've somewhat recovered fully from that all now at least physically, but mentally I still feel lost, and lately I can feel myself slipping back to that spot where I was before, ready to just end it... but this time not fuck up or put anyone else in danger. I really don't know myself anymore, everyday feels like a struggle and I just feel like a disappointment. That's my rant done, thank you for reading, and I hope you're doing better than me. :)
