Venting My Anxiety Is Too Much

[farakini]

I'm currently in my office bored and wishing that "bored to death" was an actual thing I've been pacing like a tiger in a cage and have nothing else to do but fight with my negative thoughts and the constant feeling of anxiety that pretty much took the place of my appetite. I only slept for an hour, had no breakfast and I'm on my lunch break and can't even eat…I so badly wanna ctb but I can't help but think that I'm not giving life a chance even though it screws me every which way it can….I have no one at all to talk to……Not at home, at work or anywhere else. I'm 27 and have never experienced real love because every time I get comfortable with someone, something happens to ruin it and this time, it's my unbearable acne……If I'm alive tomorrow, I'll let you know.

 

[hopelessgirl]

To me, you're a warrior for even being at the office. Cheering for you from the couch in the apartment where I've been bedridden for the last couple of months. Don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you feel like this. Life is so incredibly hard. At least we are a lot of people here who get that. You're not completely alone in this. Even though I understand that's of very small help in this fucked up world.

 

[farakini]

To me, you're a warrior for even being at the office. Cheering for you from the couch in the apartment where I've been bedridden for the last couple of months. Don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you feel like this. Life is so incredibly hard. At least we are a lot of people here who get that. You're not completely alone in this. Even though I understand that's of very small help in this fucked up world.

I was where u were 2 days ago. This is my second day on the job and I regret applying.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I was where u were 2 days ago. This is my second day on the job and I regret applying.

Yeah I've also been where you are. I lasted two weeks.

 

[...]

I'm currently in my office bored and wishing that "bored to death" was an actual thing I've been pacing like a tiger in a cage and have nothing else to do but fight with my negative thoughts and the constant feeling of anxiety that pretty much took the place of my appetite. I only slept for an hour, had no breakfast and I'm on my lunch break and can't even eat…I so badly wanna ctb but I can't help but think that I'm not giving life a chance even though it screws me every which way it can….I have no one at all to talk to……Not at home, at work or anywhere else. I'm 27 and have never experienced real love because every time I get comfortable with someone, something happens to ruin it and this time, it's my unbearable acne……If I'm alive tomorrow, I'll let you know.

This is exactly the situation i'm in but struggled to articulate this well. Shit sucks so bad and i'm only 20.

 

[farakini]

Yeah I've also been where you are. I lasted two weeks.

You didn't feel like you wasted anyone's time? It took an entire month for the employment process to finish and my parents are so proud. I feel like I'm only being kept alive as punishment….don't know what for, but life really isn't fair to me at all.

This is exactly the situation i'm in but struggled to articulate this well. Shit sucks so bad and i'm only 20.

How do you cope? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

 

[hopelessgirl]

You didn't feel like you wasted anyone's time? It took an entire month for the employment process to finish and my parents are so proud. I feel like I'm only being kept alive as punishment….don't know what for, but life really isn't fair to me at all.

How do you cope? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

Oh I did... But I'm also way too tired of this world to even care anymore. Of course I am left with shame.

 

[...]

You didn't feel like you wasted anyone's time? It took an entire month for the employment process to finish and my parents are so proud. I feel like I'm only being kept alive as punishment….don't know what for, but life really isn't fair to me at all.

How do you cope? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

I haven't. I withdrew from university and I spend all day in bed doing nothing but scrolling through my phone and harassing my ex by text to take me back.

Occasionally, like last week I will be able to do things like workout, eat more, read, write etc. but it is only ever because I manage to lie to myself and convince myself i will be back with her in the future. basically i will live in denial but that only ever last temporarily. then it just takes one moment of clarity and realisation to bring it all down.

 

[farakini]

I haven't. I withdrew from university and I spend all day in bed doing nothing but scrolling through my phone and harassing my ex by text to take me back.

Occasionally, like last week I will be able to do things like workout, eat more, read, write etc. but it is only ever because I manage to lie to myself and convince myself i will be back with her in the future. basically i will live in denial but that only ever last temporarily. then it just takes one moment of clarity and realisation to bring it all down.

I got dumped too….only I can't harass the guy because he blocked me and walked right by me like I don't exist. It's been almost 2mths and hurts like it happened yesterday.

 

[...]

I got dumped too….only I can't harass the guy because he blocked me and walked right by me like I don't exist. It's been almost 2mths and hurts like it happened yesterday.

Huh crazy, it's been 2 months for me too. love of my life, invited her into every sphere of my existence and there is no where left untouched by her memories. I have a loving family and good friends and on paper it shouldn't seem like I am lonely but without her I can't help but feel so. No one stimulates me like she did, and even less so now she left.

My mates got me to go out and flirt with girls at clubs but that just made me feel empty.

I thought maybe I just need to be more cold hearted and shag around so downloaded Tinder and spent a fuck ton of money. I have about 4 or 5 potential hookups and have cancelled rebound sex at the last minute once already as the thought of going through with it just makes me so upset I end up crying.

Basically nothing will work to get over her.

She too has blocked me on everything except WhatsApp which she has muted but occasionally reads. Why? I don't know. Perhaps she still wants to know that I want her. Which IK people would then tell me to not give her what she wants - and i'll try to not contact her for a bit - but my dumb brain can never resist for too long. Or maybe it's because - as she is aware i've already tried to ctb once - she knows like me that cutting the final line of contact will be the death of me and she's keeping that line open to keep me alive.

I'm an English Literature student and she has always loved my words of affirmation. I've wrote 5 sides of A4 and sent it as a letter talking about our past and my love for her. I spent £300 on gifts and sent presents to her on what was my birthday last month. I've proclaimed my love to her friends. And I know all of these behaviours are just further sabotaging but I can't help it. It's the only thing that I have the motivation to do.

And I want to CTB before I end up in prison for breaking an eventual restraining order that is bound to come my way at the rate I am going. Or worse yet I end up assaulting and hurting her.

 

[farakini]

You're so brave. This further proves that the ones with the most loving hearts suffer the most. I'm so shy that I'm automatically humble, especially since my face is so disgusting and I treat people the way I want to be treated but they see it as weakness and take advantage of me and I got bullied for it. I stayed single for 3yrs straight and opened my heart to someone this year and now I deeply regret it. I thought getting a job would keep me busy but I feel worse because now I have to suppress my suffering so I don't make the people around me uncomfortable…which in turn, adds more pressure. I'm tellin ya, I don't see myself making to the end of this year. I'm a complete mess.

 

[FuneralCry]

Anxiety can be very awful. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it really can be horrible being alive. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Brutal.