My 2 biggest fears

[Butterflyfree]

They are failing at my attempt, something going wrong (nitrogen method) or the SI kicking in before I reach unconsciousness. I can't stop obsessing over it. I absolutely can not fail. I don't know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about it. I am in complete and utter agony.

 

[Wojaczek]

Idk much about this stuff, but if you live in the US id buy a shotgun. Here in germany im limited to trains and tall buildings and both leave me with too much time to rethink my actions

 

[Apricity]

They are failing at my attempt, something going wrong (nitrogen method) or the SI kicking in before I reach unconsciousness. I can't stop obsessing over it. I absolutely can not fail. I don't know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about it. I am in complete and utter agony.

I'm searching to overcome SI as well. I'm honestly not too worried about brain damage as long as it takes my memory or just makes me a veggie. I've left instructions to not keep my body alive if I'm brain dead. My biggest fear is that I'll die and then my wife will decide on her way home that she wants to stay together. I know it's just my SI fucking with me, but I just love her so much that I'm willing to go through absolutely any pain to have her back, even though she hurt me. Ha, I sound like a loser.

 

[Butterflyfree]

@Greenberg What do you think the chances are for failure to occur from SI with this method?

 

[Tempest]

Do you think you could bring yourself to pull the trigger? It doesn't matter how fast the method is if you can't bring yourself to do it, even though a gunshot only takes one second.

I have similar fears about the nitrogen method. I think everyone is afraid of failing. Unrelated example: people sometimes have the irrational fear that they might fall off a precipice while walking along the edge, but how many times do people just fall over while walking? Never, it's just that the life of death-ness of it all makes your brain hyperfixate on possibilities of failure that have no chance of happening. Once you test everything and have your setup, it should be simple like turning on the stove or starting your car. Just because you're working with dangerous equipment doesn't mean a random malfunction will happen. The only confounding variable would be SI, but that is something entirely under your control. Exercising that control is easier said than done, but it's not like something can "just happen" to mess up the attempt. It's all you and your brain. I hope you're able to assuage your fears and achieve your desired outcome. You've made it this far, which shows you have the strength, the resolve, and the planning.

 

[Butterflyfree]

Idk much about this stuff, but if you live in the US id buy a shotgun. Here in germany im limited to trains and tall buildings and both leave me with too much time to rethink my actions

@Wojaczek no I could never use a violent method. I'm using Nitrogen.

Do you think you could bring yourself to pull the trigger? It doesn't matter how fast the method is if you can't bring yourself to do it, even though a gunshot only takes one second.

I have similar fears about the nitrogen method. I think everyone is afraid of failing. Unrelated example: people sometimes have the irrational fear that they might fall off a precipice while walking along the edge, but how many times do people just fall over while walking? Never, it's just that the life of death-ness of it all makes your brain hyperfixate on possibilities of failure that have no chance of happening. Once you test everything and have your setup, it should be simple like turning on the stove or starting your car. Just because you're working with dangerous equipment doesn't mean a random malfunction will happen. The only confounding variable would be SI, but that is something entirely under your control. Exercising that control is easier said than done, but it's not like something can "just happen" to mess up the attempt. It's all you and your brain. I hope you're able to assuage your fears and achieve your desired outcome. You've made it this far, which shows you have the strength, the resolve, and the planning.

@Tempest Thank you so much for your words. It helped. No I could never use a gun or any violent type means of CTB not even SN because it takes too long. I have my set up and have tested it. Everything is good to go. I just can't handle the thoughts and fears that are neverending I'm unable to cope.

 

[Greenberg]

@Greenberg What do you think the chances are for failure to occur from SI with this method?

SI will diminish with practice trials. Perhaps, some meds will provide offer some momentary calmness. Failure due to SI can happen with any method, especially if unintended behaviours are the result of instinctual reactions.

If you are using a bag or full-face mask, consider employing a half-face mask instead. At the very least, it would not feel as confining nor would it promote claustrophobia.

Finally, if SI persists with the Exit Bag method, perhaps another method would be bearable.

Best wishes to you, G

 

[Butterflyfree]

SI will diminish with practice trials. Perhaps, some meds will provide offer some momentary calmness. Failure due to SI can happen with any method, especially if unintended behaviours are the result of instinctual reactions.

If you are using a bag or full-face mask, consider employing a half-face mask instead. At the very least, it would not feel as confining nor would it promote claustrophobia.

Finally, if SI persists with the Exit Bag method, perhaps another method would be bearable.

Best wishes to you, G

@Greenberg when I put the bag on and sit with it I don't feel claustrophobic or any SI but when it comes down to doing it for real that may be a different story. I don't have a mask I have the old tried and true bag. I do have Xanax to take but I don't think it's going to help much as I have a tolerance from taking it for anxiety for the past 20 years. My emotions are going to be heightened because I will be first having the vet at my home to put my dog and cat to sleep. That's a big reason why I'm worried that if I fail I can not tolerate being in this world without them. It would be more unbearable then it is now. I can not fail.

 

[Greenberg]

Your decision to ctb should be independent of the passing of your pets.

Can you not have the pets put to sleep after your attempt? For example, leave them with your vet and advise him/her not to proceed until a certain time. At least then, you would have the benefit of changing your mind and having your pets around assuming you are unsuccessful.

The top 3 methods -- N, SN, and Exit Bag -- are all proven methods when performed correctly. If you have followed the instructions carefully and prudently, failure is highly unlikely. I am presuming you have sufficient gas, a regulator set to the desired flow rate, and a proper enclosure for the gas, and of course, an uninterrupted period of time to carry through your intention.

With that said and done, may I ask what else can go wrong? Under the current legal regime, unfortunately, only you can engage the gas valve.

Best wishes to you, G

 

[bennay]

Your decision to ctb should be independent of the passing of your pets.

Can you not have the pets put to sleep after your attempt? For example, leave them with your vet and advise him/her not to proceed until a certain time. At least then, you would have the benefit of changing your mind and having your pets around assuming you are unsuccessful.

The top 3 methods -- N, SN, and Exit Bag -- are all proven methods when performed correctly. If you have followed the instructions carefully and prudently, failure is highly unlikely. I am presuming you have sufficient gas, a regulator set to the desired flow rate, and a proper enclosure for the gas, and of course, an uninterrupted period of time to carry through your intention.

With that said and done, may I ask what else can go wrong? Under the current legal regime, unfortunately, only you can engage the gas valve.

Best wishes to you, G

This is my method as well, I have to say the magnitude of information on the method can be a double edge sword. You have all the ways it could fail which is informative for planning but also creates more concern for failure especially after unconscious!(ripping bag or mask off, convulsing etc.) Do you know the likelihood for these things actually occurring? And what else can be done to prevent unwanted unconscious self intervention?

 

[Greenberg]

The onset of consciousness will occur within seconds and depending on the setup certainly under a minute. I think having the right equipment is crucial and following the protocol in administering the gas (i.e., 20cf gas, 15LPM, etc.).

 

[bennay]

The onset of consciousness will occur within seconds and depending on the setup certainly under a minute. I think having the right equipment is crucial and following the protocol in administering the gas (i.e., 20cf gas, 15LPM, etc.).

I have seen some talk about tying your hands up so that you don't rip off mask/bag after unconsciousness sets in. Is that necessary? I just figured if your unconscious the most movement your body may go through is twitching possible convulsing but to unconsciously rip the mask/bag off head…

 

[Butterflyfree]

The onset of consciousness will occur within seconds and depending on the setup certainly under a minute. I think having the right equipment is crucial and following the protocol in administering the gas (i.e., 20cf gas, 15LPM, etc.).

@Greenberg I was told by FEN that it can take up to 3 minutes for unconsciousness. Also that they have never seen it in less than a minute.

Your decision to ctb should be independent of the passing of your pets.

Can you not have the pets put to sleep after your attempt? For example, leave them with your vet and advise him/her not to proceed until a certain time. At least then, you would have the benefit of changing your mind and having your pets around assuming you are unsuccessful.

The top 3 methods -- N, SN, and Exit Bag -- are all proven methods when performed correctly. If you have followed the instructions carefully and prudently, failure is highly unlikely. I am presuming you have sufficient gas, a regulator set to the desired flow rate, and a proper enclosure for the gas, and of course, an uninterrupted period of time to carry through your intention.

With that said and done, may I ask what else can go wrong? Under the current legal regime, unfortunately, only you can engage the gas valve.

Best wishes to you, G

@Greenberg No, I'm unable to go before my pets. The vet is coming to my home, it's a mobile vet. There is no other way, but for them to go first then me after the vet leaves. Yes, everything is set up properly and has been tested.

 

[Chockles]

They are failing at my attempt, something going wrong (nitrogen method) or the SI kicking in before I reach unconsciousness. I can't stop obsessing over it. I absolutely can not fail. I don't know what to do to stop thinking and worrying about it. I am in complete and utter agony.

I can relate I've been in torturous physical agony 10 solid months now no existence yet still here now worrying 1st about N landing, then the taste getting it all down wihout vomitting & being found too soon. I know i have no choice now the sooner I CTB the sooner sufferring stops for both me & my parents who can't bear to see me like this anymore either. Yet I still have my fears.

 

[Unicron]

From my own experience, all I can say is that when you're ready you'll know. I didn't have any SI when I ultimately tried. If you're having any doubts, listen to them, another day won't kill you! ;o)

 

[Greenberg]

@Greenberg I was told by FEN that it can take up to 3 minutes for unconsciousness. Also that they have never seen it in less than a minute.

@Greenberg No, I'm unable to go before my pets. The vet is coming to my home, it's a mobile vet. There is no other way, but for them to go first then me after the vet leaves. Yes, everything is set up properly and has been tested.

I can only say that very few people can actually hold their breath for as long as 2 minutes. Your brain immediately shuts down in a non-oxygenated environment. Please feel free to consult any physiology reference and you will inevitably come to the same fact.

Again, your pets' continued existence is independent of your decision to ctb. I am sorry but it is important for you to come to terms with that.

I fear I cannot offer to you any more suggestions. Best wishes, G

 

[pipa]

@Butterflyfree, I have a pet I love very much and I understand what you feel about. When I finally leave a very close friend is taking care about my pet. I don't know if you could do the same with your pets...

 

[The Divine Comedy]

We all feel it. If we fail, the liberty to take our own lives may even be taken from us I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream style. And that would be a new form of hell. We fear a fate worse than death - the inability to choose death.

 

[FuneralCry]

We should not have to resort to methods that could fail, we all deserve the option of euthanasia, then we will not have to deal with fear of failure. It is cruel how the society denies us this. Of course suicide is very difficult as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you are looking for and freedom from pain and suffering.

 

[Butterflyfree]

@Butterflyfree, I have a pet I love very much and I understand what you feel about. When I finally leave a very close friend is taking care about my pet. I don't know if you could do the same with your pets...

@pipa I don't have any friends or family or anyone I trust to leave them with. They are older and have health issues.

I can only say that very few people can actually hold their breath for as long as 2 minutes. Your brain immediately shuts down in a non-oxygenated environment. Please feel free to consult any physiology reference and you will inevitably come to the same fact.

Again, your pets' continued existence is independent of your decision to ctb. I am sorry but it is important for you to come to terms with that.

I fear I cannot offer to you any more suggestions. Best wishes, G

@Greenberg You have been very helpful, thank you. I'm not sure you are understanding what I am trying to convey though. I understand my CTB is independent on what occurs with my pets. I am totally ready and want to CTB. My fear was that because they are going first, if my CTB should fail then I will be stuck here without them, until my next attempt. I could not tolerate that. I know my chances of failure are low, but it's still a big fear. I hope I'm coming across correctly and I understand there's nothing more you can suggest.

 

[Tempest]

From my own experience, all I can say is that when you're ready you'll know. I didn't have any SI when I ultimately tried. If you're having any doubts, listen to them, another day won't kill you! ;o)

This is very true in my experience. Love the phrasing too! I hope soon I will get the internal feeling of readiness like I got before I made my last attempt.