Mini Rant

[xxsweetopheliaxx]

Just venting a little.
I'm so angry right now. I had found a beautiful small knife online which I planned to use in eventually ctb. Something I felt would be meaningful, personal, and an intimate way to transition into peace. My fucking dad decided to touch the blade though. The same dad that raped me back in elementary. I feel so fucking dirty again, and I can't even look at it without crying. It's dirty now and I don't know if buying another one would help as it'll look the same. Now the blade is dirty and if I put it to my skin my blood will be dirtied too. I feel like no amount of washing will get his touch off of it. And I can't help but feel disgusted with myself both for being this bothered about it. I know I'm being childish but I just needed to vent a little bit. And this place is my only safe haven where I feel comfortable enough to cry.

 

[Dizzylady80]

That's not childish at all. I knw the feeling very well, that infectious dirtyness. My dad sxually abused me as well and sometimes sends me money, it feels dirty af taking it. I'm sorry you're experiencing that, it's just an awful feeling, especially with him dirtying something so presonal to you

 

[xxsweetopheliaxx]

That's not childish at all. I knw the feeling very well, that infectious dirtyness. My dad sxually abused me as well and sometimes sends me money, it feels dirty af taking it. I'm sorry you're experiencing that, it's just an awful feeling, especially with him dirtying something so presonal to you

Thank you for your kindness and I'm sorry you suffered in that way as well. It's something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. The lingering effects are hellish in themselves. It's suffocating :')

 

[Dizzylady80]

It really is suddocating, but being away from him allowed me to actually heal abit from it, now it only messes with me when triggered. Are you still stuck living with him? (Sry about typos, it's hard to type rn)

 

[xxsweetopheliaxx]

It really is suddocating, but being away from him allowed me to actually heal abit from it, now it only messes with me when triggered. Are you still stuck living with him? (Sry about typos, it's hard to type rn)

Yes, unfortunately. I wanted to move out several years ago but things kinda fell apart when I thought I was starting to get my life together. (>︿<｡)

 

[Dizzylady80]

God that sucks. Having a place to stay is important tho, I get it. I was homeless once, would not recommend. You shouldn't have to be in this sudtuation at all

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel and I'm sorry that you have had to go through all this suffering. This life is just so unfair. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens, I wish you the best.