might ctb tomorrow + some backstory

[monotine]

i plan to ctb via SN + paracetamol + meto tomorrow. i can't get my hands on benzos. i hope my SI won't kick in and that i finally push through with it.

here's my story if you're curious

i've been depressed since i was probably 12 years old. i got addicted to SH and used it as a coping mechanism. i've had numerous attempts on my life in the past 2 years — both half assed ones and a couple that sent me to the hospital.

after my dad passed away i started going to therapy. but life only got worse after that. i attempted for the first time and failed. then i got manipulated and raped by the guy i was talking to, 2 days after being discharged from the hospital.

i dont wanna talk too much about the rape shit but long story short i filed a case against that bastard but the justice system failed me. i was victim blamed and i spiraled into even deep depression which caused me to miss 2 semesters in college and more failed attempts on my life. i then got diagnosed with bipolar 2, CPTSD, and PNES.

i have started experiencing severe anxiety over my future and the thought of living makes me nauseous. i dont need anyone to change my mind and tell me "life's going to get better" bullshit cause i genuinely don't see that happening.

my most recent attempt was my failed SN attempt last july. (it failed cause i didn't take enough, my SN was probably oxidized and my brother brought me to the hospital) ever since i got discharged, all i ever thought about was ending my life again. everyday i thought about suicide and i imagine how it would finally free me from the pain i've been feeling for years.

i only held out for so long cause i know that suicide just passes on your pain onto your loved ones. i've hated the thought of being responsible for the pain people would feel. but everything has consequences so i'm just in a fuck it mindset at this point.

i also know that i dont have it as bad as others. im privileged to be able to go to school, have a roof over my head, and a good support system. that's why i feel guilty for the way i am. if only i could give my life to someone more deserving of it, i would in a blink of an eye.

i've started isolating myself cause i no longer want to talk to people about what i feel. i feel like they're all tired of me being so depressed all the time. i know emotional fatigue is real and i've started to sense that from them.

i'm just yapping about whatever at this point. i feel like i've said plenty and don't know what else to say. if you've read everything up to here, thank you.

i hope to be free from this pain soon

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I hope you find the eternal peace and freedom. Happy departure :)

 

[darksouls]

good luck, I hope you find the peace you desire

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Wow yeah I'm sorry what you went through. Emotional fatigue... Yeah... My family expects suicide attempts from me at this point...

I guess... What specifically would have to change in your life to not want to die? And more importantly... Can you enact or attempt to enact a life plan to change that? (It's the reason I haven't CTB yet... Not enough closure that things can't improve yet)

 

[hevnsfall]

I am terribly sorry the system failed you.
And i am sorry for your loss.

What is your current protocol now? Will you be fasting accordingly? Measuring your sn to be 25g in 50ml water? How much did you take the last time?

 

[monotine]

I am terribly sorry the system failed you.
And i am sorry for your loss.

What is your current protocol now? Will you be fasting accordingly? Measuring your sn to be 25g in 50ml water? How much did you take the last time?

yes i plan to fast accordingly. i also already have around (2) ~22g of SN ready just in case i vomit. i weigh 45kg so I believe that's enough to knock me out.

last march i put SN into 750 mg pill cartridges. they were confiscated, but i stumbled across them last july. i had around 9 of them but they became somewhat mushy (prolly cause it wasnt sealed well) i just took a gamble, tried dissolving it in water and wasn't able to drink the whole cup.

Wow yeah I'm sorry what you went through. Emotional fatigue... Yeah... My family expects suicide attempts from me at this point...

I guess... What specifically would have to change in your life to not want to die? And more importantly... Can you enact or attempt to enact a life plan to change that? (It's the reason I haven't CTB yet... Not enough closure that things can't improve yet)

idk. dying's the only thing on my mind. i thought going back to university would change the trajectory of my life but it only worsened how i feel

 

[Minnieflower:)]

i plan to ctb via SN + paracetamol + meto tomorrow. i can't get my hands on benzos. i hope my SI won't kick in and that i finally push through with it.

here's my story if you're curious

i've been depressed since i was probably 12 years old. i got addicted to SH and used it as a coping mechanism. i've had numerous attempts on my life in the past 2 years — both half assed ones and a couple that sent me to the hospital.

after my dad passed away i started going to therapy. but life only got worse after that. i attempted for the first time and failed. then i got manipulated and raped by the guy i was talking to, 2 days after being discharged from the hospital.

i dont wanna talk too much about the rape shit but long story short i filed a case against that bastard but the justice system failed me. i was victim blamed and i spiraled into even deep depression which caused me to miss 2 semesters in college and more failed attempts on my life. i then got diagnosed with bipolar 2, CPTSD, and PNES.

i have started experiencing severe anxiety over my future and the thought of living makes me nauseous. i dont need anyone to change my mind and tell me "life's going to get better" bullshit cause i genuinely don't see that happening.

my most recent attempt was my failed SN attempt last july. (it failed cause i didn't take enough, my SN was probably oxidized and my brother brought me to the hospital) ever since i got discharged, all i ever thought about was ending my life again. everyday i thought about suicide and i imagine how it would finally free me from the pain i've been feeling for years.

i only held out for so long cause i know that suicide just passes on your pain onto your loved ones. i've hated the thought of being responsible for the pain people would feel. but everything has consequences so i'm just in a fuck it mindset at this point.

i also know that i dont have it as bad as others. im privileged to be able to go to school, have a roof over my head, and a good support system. that's why i feel guilty for the way i am. if only i could give my life to someone more deserving of it, i would in a blink of an eye.

i've started isolating myself cause i no longer want to talk to people about what i feel. i feel like they're all tired of me being so depressed all the time. i know emotional fatigue is real and i've started to sense that from them.

i'm just yapping about whatever at this point. i feel like i've said plenty and don't know what else to say. if you've read everything up to here, thank you.

i hope to be free from this pain soon

Hey I hope you can keep us updated on your process. I'm sorry things had to be this way but I hope you can go in the most peaceful way possible. Also, I wouldn't worry about the aftermath if you think that this is the best thing for you, then you do it and not feel guilty about it the guilt itself can trigger a high SI response if your family has seen what you've gone through, it will take them a while but they should understand your reasons and know you weren't doing the "selfish thing", being able to have a roof over your head and go to school should be part of the minimum standard of living but this world is so messed up that we think that we should be all the grateful to have basic necessities and I'm saying this as someone who's low income and struggles. So you have all the right to go ahead and do this for your own good if you desire. I hope you can find some peace and warmth on your last moments <3

 

[monotine]

Hey

Hey I hope you can keep us updated on your process I'm sorry things had to be this way but I hope you can go in the most peaceful way possible. Also I wouldn't worry about the aftermath if you think that this is the best thing for you, then you do it and not feel guilty about it the guilt itself can trigger a high SI response if your family has seen what you've gone through, it will take them a while but they should understand your reasons and know you weren't doing the "selfish thing", being able to have a roof over your head and go to school should be part of the minimum standard of living but this world is so messed up that we think that we should be all the grateful to have basic necessities and I'm saying this as someone who's low income and struggles. So you have all the right to go ahead and do this for your own good if you desire. I hope you can find some peace and warmth on your last moments.

i'll try to update this thread once i push through with it. i am overthinking about the aftermath but thank you for your kind words. i appreciate this

 

[Widow39]

I really hope it goes well for you and your can find peace.

It would be nice if you could document a bit the process as there is few sn ctb cases fully documented.

What scares you with the aftermath?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

yes i plan to fast accordingly. i also already have around (2) ~22g of SN ready just in case i vomit. i weigh 45kg so I believe that's enough to knock me out.

last march i put SN into 750 mg pill cartridges. they were confiscated, but i stumbled across them last july. i had around 9 of them but they became somewhat mushy (prolly cause it wasnt sealed well) i just took a gamble, tried dissolving it in water and wasn't able to drink the whole cup.

idk. dying's the only thing on my mind. i thought going back to university would change the trajectory of my life but it only worsened how i feel

The whole cup? The sure not to use too much water, no more than 50ml. I wish you the best of luck if this is still what you want tomorrow.

 

[monotine]

Updating this thread.

I'm starting my protocol now.
I already fasted for 8 hours.

My stuff is ready. I don't have meto but i have domperidone in liquid as an alternative. I also have 1000 mg paracetamol (2 capsules) and ~22 g of SN and 50ml water.

SI is tough but I'll get through this.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find peace. Good luck!

 

[ctb_warrior]

Updating this thread.

I'm starting my protocol now.
I already fasted for 8 hours.

My stuff is ready. I don't have meto but i have domperidone in liquid as an alternative. I also have 1000 mg paracetamol (2 capsules) and ~22 g of SN and 50ml water.

SI is tough but I'll get through this.

I wish you a peaceful journey ahead and if you've not written a suicide note, consider writing one, it'll distract your mind as well as stop the police from a lot of investigation process. You can write:
Why ctb
What method (so they don't need to do post mortem)
Mention if anyone's responsible or not.

I'll write that no one's responsible for my death and the only one responsible is me and no one and nothing could have saved me from suicide. i would have done it at any time in the future if I was saved.

This sort of message will help the loved ones understand that this was inevitable. And there was nothing that they could do to stop you.

Thought of suggesting this as you mentioned that you care for your people that pain will be passed on to them. We both are in same shoes. Last week, I was bothered about it a lot. Now, I'm also like fck it. I'll just write a suicide note and will request police to not harass my family.
I'll leave some blank pages with my signature at the bottom so if they need to do any legal paper work, they can use those.

 

[monotine]

just saw that my Domperidone's expiration date was Aug 2026. It's sealed though and only 2 weeks past the expiration date.

i asked chatgpt and it said that only the potency/quality may degrade… so idk if i should still take it or just raw dog my attempt with just the paracetamol. i need insights.

 

[ctb_warrior]

just saw that my Domperidone's expiration date was Aug 2026. It's sealed though and only 2 weeks past the expiration date.

i asked chatgpt and it said that only the potency/quality may degrade… so idk if i should still take it or just raw dog my attempt with just the paracetamol. i need insights.

The expiration date is just a regular calculation. A chemical drug can be potent past the expiry date as well. But it's a best practice to not use an expired drug.
Though I'm afraid without an anti emetic, you may throw up. May be, keep backup glasses prepared just in case you throw up, you can still manage to continue

 

[monotine]

I wish you a peaceful journey ahead and if you've not written a suicide note, consider writing one, it'll distract your mind as well as stop the police from a lot of investigation process. You can write:
Why ctb
What method (so they don't need to do post mortem)
Mention if anyone's responsible or not.

I'll write that no one's responsible for my death and the only one responsible is me and no one and nothing could have saved me from suicide. i would have done it at any time in the future if I was saved.

This sort of message will help the loved ones understand that this was inevitable. And there was nothing that they could do to stop you.

Thought of suggesting this as you mentioned that you care for your people that pain will be passed on to them. We both are in same shoes. Last week, I was bothered about it a lot. Now, I'm also like fck it. I'll just write a suicide note and will request police to not harass my family.
I'll leave some blank pages with my signature at the bottom so if they need to do any legal paper work, they can use those.

thank you for this. i already have the suicide note but it isn't written. it's only in my notes app. i'll add the why ctb and my method.

The expiration date is just a regular calculation. A chemical drug can be potent past the expiry date as well. But it's a best practice to not use an expired drug.
Though I'm afraid without an anti emetic, you may throw up. May be, keep backup glasses prepared just in case you throw up, you can still manage to continue

i'll probably take the domperidone then. i don't wanna vomit out the SN

 

[ctb_warrior]

thank you for this. i already have the suicide note but it isn't written. it's only in my notes app. i'll add the why ctb and my method.

i'll probably take the domperidone then. i don't wanna vomit out the SN

Good luck. If it's digital suicide note, it can be scheduled for a later date and time such that, if you succeed, it gets delivered, if for any unfortunate reason you've to abort, you can cancel the scheduled email.
Yes take the domperidone then, something is better than nothing
Though rem, you may still throw up as SN irritates the stomach. So, have backup glasses ready to ensure it's foolproof journey

 

[monotine]

wow time is moving so fast. i've taken the domperidone already

 

[Carrot]

How do you feel?

 

[monotine]

bruh my best friend called me literally as i was about to drink the sn. im on call with her rn. ill probably drink it once the call ends

 

[Praestat_Mori]

How do you feel?

 

[monotine]

my head is aching for some reason even if i've taken the paracetamol. idk why it hurts. i know it'll probably hurt more later once i ingest the sn

 

[ctb_warrior]

my head is aching for some reason even if i've taken the paracetamol. idk why it hurts. i know it'll probably hurt more later once i ingest the sn

May be because you've been empty stomach for 8 hours. After SN yes expect more of it and a racing heart. Don't worry and don't fear anything we are all here talking to you. If you need any guidance and help we are all here

 

[hevnsfall]

Don't worry about the expiration date. As long as it has been kept in the original package, you are all good. We are all here, and the protocol is

 

[monotine]

just got off call with my friend. si is strong and is giving me a hard time to drink the SN. i was only able to take a sip.

it pains me that she was the last person i talked to and that she may bring the guilt of not doing enough for me. that's what i was avoiding the most

 

[Carrot]

Feel free to back out if you are not doing it correctly. I was considering taking it today too, but only have SN. Whatever you choose hope it goes well for you.

Damn SaSu is having issues now, what a terrible moment.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

OP? Are you still with us?

 

[Widow39]

Website went off at worst possible moment
I was chatting with her, probably now she's gone, couldn't even say her goodbye, she was a sweet person

 

[hevnsfall]

The forum was down for me aswell.

Darn...

Are you still with us?

 

[Widow39]

I really believe she's gone. I hope she found peace

What an awful situation, I wanted at least to comfort her and to wish her the best. Omg what a bad timing