Gomomon
The Mentally Loud Overthinker
- Feb 24, 2026
- 34
Feel free to comment if you want, all of this is going to major TMI and embarrassing, but honestly atp I don't really care I'm past that point. If you decide to respond, I would be happy you took the time to read my lengthy, pathetic post. I don't really know a lot of like-minded people in my life, like everyone on this forum, so getting advice or just hearing what others have to say about my rambling would help a lot.
LONG CRINGE TYPO-FILLED INSENSITIVE VENT INCOMING AHHH!:
I will be gone soon, I keep saying. It never happens. Hopefully, this time I will be. I cant stand it you guys, you dont know the half of what its like. A day in my life has to be one of the worst life roulettes you could get, I feel like something is tearing my heart apart every minute, I cant enjoy anything. You could say yeah a child in Gaza or some girl stuck in a basement is living a worse life, and yeah would wouldnt really be wrong there. But its the way I feel. Your not gonna make me feel better in any shape or form by saying shit like "Oh it could be so much worse imagine if you were blah blah blah". I guess the reality of it is my life is kind of fine, average even. Its not like the people around me are after my undoing and ive been traumatically raped or disfugured or something. I just feel horrible and miserable everyday and cant dig myself out of my own grave. Honestly I should be praised for how long I went without running wild and being a complete horrible person because I get no pleasure or enjoyment from anything, so if someone else experienced the way i feel all the time you could've expected worse things. I still have morals yeah and I hate bothering other people but mostly I just hate people in general. If someone actually got in my way for something I wanted to do long enough and I knew there were no repercussions in killing them I would. But aside from that gripe I really only think about killing myself. I dont want to deal with the hassle of anything else to do with this place, and taking someone out would just mean entangling yourself with the law and furthering to fuck yourself of escape. I dont think innocent people deserve to be killed because some sad little shit wasnt feeling happy, that ill stand on for sure. I have very strong beliefs about certain things that are unchanging, I hate being a bother to others. I hate being a bother, so I feel really guilty and overthink anything where I might have over stepped the line. I really just dont wanna be on the spotlight or the radar of anything at all. I used to say I hated alchoal I would never drink/ i hated drugs I would never take/ and I hated phones and that'd I never use them. Addictive things like that, I knew they were bad and I hated people who just let them control their lives. But I wound up doing it just like any other fucker. But I would happily say at least (besides the phone) I dont have addictions to alcohal and drugs, I would only use them to completely kill me or have a fun time with my friends (which to completely kill me is not out of enjoyment its just a necessity in dying) As a half assed coping mechanism they dont work, I know they aren't used like that and for good reasons but people do and it ends up backfiring major. For me it didnt even really backfire major doing drugs and drinking exces and stuff it just made me more sad so I found little reason in doing it, I never got angry at anyone so im glad im not an angry drunk. I just overthink 2x as much and I already do that on the daily so what's the point? Weed soothes others but makes me so anxious. Obviously I should be on prescription drugs or something for these things but I have been in the past and to no avail/make things worse, and also ive been turned down by every facility in the book and its hard to want "help" when the help is running as fast as it can away from you instead of embracing you with open arms. I cant play that game of cat and mouse forever. Im starting to think absolutely nothing can get me out of this rut. "Suicide is a solution to a temporary problem" is what I always heard. If you look at my life struggles right now sure they're temporary, grades falling, not locking in proper, finding stability and a job, finding more friends/partner, having more healthy habits. But there's nothing temporary about the way I feel, you cant reasonably keep existing like this. Whatever I have, doesnt go away no matter what activity I partake in. It's nullifying and embarassing. I wish mental issues could be shown surface level to show others an extent of what im dealing with or something. Maybe out of mercy/pity someone would shoot me, like they do a horse when its leg broke in a ditch. Instead, because these things aren't recognized fully as debilitating problems I have to pretend to be a functioning member of society who doesnt think about dieing every second of every day.
Im making a new plan, this one might just be as dumb as the last one. But who am I without an overcomplicated plan that'll backfire, im just too dumb and impatient to get things right! The part of my brain that was actually able to do things smartly is gone, whatever this is has eaten away at me for long enough that ive lost the ability to do most anything. I just feel lost Faded and confused, and I cant remember anything. Anyway im gonna overdose again. I just need to be less anxious next time, not wuss out and text my friend out of fear. Im going to lock my phone somehow? Just for the record I did that out of fear of pain, I want to die more than anything. I felt no relief after that whole hospital fiasco. If anything I just was more determined to die. I obviously felt guilt and shame yk for people knowing now I I might be a little fucked up and in the red zone. The hospital didn't trust I wouldn't try and kms again and they kinda had a right to be. Tho noone is keeping me trapped anywhere, I will get out. Another strong strong belief of mine is freedom, corny yeah but I believe everyone deserves the right to freedom. I never chose to take part in society it was just forced on me. There is no other options. So why should I ever be allowed to be locked up!? Im taking part of it anyway because there is no option to not take part in it! It's insane. We live on this earth free and we die free, and yet we are trapped in this made up system. It keeps bad people away sure but it also ruins the whole point of why we're here. I mean im not sure exactly why we are here necessarily but we should be living happy. I suppose the world is dark and if everyone were free and happy we'd have to suffer from others lack of freedom like that omelias story. It's just the way humans are. I dont wanna be one anymore. Could you imagine being anything else, how different of an experience that would be. You wouldn't have to stress about your midterm or insurance! You'd just soar through the skies as an eagle or some shit. Sure the hunter would shoot you one day but you'd die doing what you love, what you born to do and what you're good at! I cant say id die satisfied at all. But I sure as hell am not coming back as a spirit with unfinished business, my work here is done, so long. I want to be gone from everything. All traces of me should vanish, and they will in due time. Im so sick of everything it just gives me a headache. People hate hearing me say that..but its true! Everything irritates me and causes me pain so why should I even be here at all reasonably!? You just need to let me go, and ill let myself go...or try to and least. I know its impossible in "society" to do so without it being completely painless in some shape or form. In the pain it doesn't inflict on me it'll inflict on others and their pockets...but honestly the guilt would die with me technically so I have nothing to feel guilty about. Dying is a selfish choice but its one i have to make. If I dont give them a 100,000 grand hospital bill like last time itll be a win-win. I'll try and go out away from my roomates to, wouldn't want that. But anyone else out of my immediate circle I could genuinely care less. Dont confuse me for not caring about random people. I do its just complicated. You're a headache until your not. But I dont come off as rude or dismissive when I first meet you, I try and be nice. I dont even hate everyone its just complicated. I've been shown enough generosity from folks to know better. I just cant deal? and cant bring myself to care as much, I mean as if I ever did lol. The guilt kinda just sits with me and stirs in my head. The way I poorly treat my mother and take advantage of her nativity or undermine her efforts. The way I diffuse my friends, divert or pretend to care about anything as if Im showing a glimpse of any actual interest at all. In reality im just pretending, acting like a jokester and losing my sanity trying to maintain a semblance of a friendship to seem normal and maintain what we used to have. I dont know why im still "trying",im not really trying to do much of anything. Sure im making a "plan" but like it'll be just a in the moment kind of thing. Everything I do and act on is a in the moment type thing. I have a plan A (not die and try and make something of my life) and a plan B (kms with Sn) but both are running overtop one another basically. It's hard to explain i feel like my words dont make it make sense but like yes im still actively making plans for the future with the intention of doing them, going to concerts/movies getogethers. But like if anything goes south I will just kill myself in an instant if I have the right access. So currently im going to work on getting that, so I can always fallback on it if need me. You could rebuttal, [REDACTED] if you think about killing yourself every moment how could u resist doing it right away? Access, it has to be 100% foolproof before I attempt again, I also have no means currently. The costs/getting a package taken/wellnesschecks/transaction history on the card/money$$ (which Im serverly lacking in)/Restrictions with prescriptions/Time and legitimacy. When I do have everything together it'll be the next moment I cant take the sadness anymore. Most days im like a num gray color and some days im a bright electric blue, those are the days I cant stand to be here anymore and ill feel more up to the ball game.
How many more of these god damn notes before im actually gone, which one will actually be legitmate, only time will tell. Can I actually follow through with a single thing in my god damn life. I doubt. If I have to face another person after attempting to die ill actually die from cringe instead.
On a sideee note let's ignore the suicidal stuff for now and dive into some other shit, im trying to fall asleep for my 9am which I had homework due for that I did not do currently and its 230am. Failingggg. I just cant get tired so there's like nothing I can do. Phone can be put down and still im gonna toss and turn and also I get a headache when I cry so I have that going on now and that usually keeps me up. Im not like crying heavily I just tear a little and it'll start regardless. Probably because I have so little water in me that when it seeps out a smidgen my body is desperate for moisture and sets off the bitch alarm in my brain. I feel like confessing rn and exploring my emotions which I dunno why I love to do so much, I have nothing left to even confess ive really admitted everything in these notes apps and stuff. And even in general im a pretty tmi person. What may you not know about me hmmm????? Some other stuff I was considering to do in life which is out of the ball park now would be police, detective, forensic scientist, psychologist, or something to do with animals like a researcher who gets to travel to the artic and study seals or some shit. Scuba diving instructor/recreational parks person things. Though maybe in an alternate reality that won't be happening here. I've been told there are alternatives and my life doesnt have to be so black & white but when i latch on on to something i have to commit 100% or it aint even worth it. It becomes me and if I cant live up the expectations I may as well cease to exist. Well currently my art isn't on par where I want it to be because I cant not dick around for the life of me so kinda heading in that direction. I fail to have any more passion for any of the things I listed and art included so it doesnt really matter what one I pick just need something to latch onto and pretend to pursue. I'll never amount to anything so no point thinking about it too hard, ill also never enjoy it. Anywayyy moving onn lets take some questions from the nonexistent crowd like im a twitch streamer reading chat but in reality a sad a lonely incel writing notes to herself at 3am.
[REDACTED] what do you think of the political state of the world right now?
I mean just like most people i think its horrible but i cant think about it too hard or it'll piss me off cause how much of it is out of my hands so I try and focus on my own life, it'll also not be my problem pretty soon. I cant afford to think about anything else
What is your favorite game?
I think this is a hard question because of how much time I spent devoted to video games. And it depends heavily. But Rpgs have always made me nostalgic because of Titles like PokƩmon. So black and white is my favorite of that genre. My favorite puzzle games are Zelda titles and I love love love detective games like Ace attorney and Danganronpa, the murder mystery gameplay style I enjoy. I mean i kinda enjoy all genres except shooters too much and online stuff, they make me rage and not wanna play as often but I did have my fair share of overwatch and splatoon. Red dead is maybe my favorite all time not nostalgia blind game, solid ass story and super immersion gameplay. Made me appreciate cowboys and wanna be one oddly enough which I didnt care for them before, I like their connection to freedom, nature and each other if that makes sense.
When you stare into the night sky what do you see?
I see stars obviously, if the light pollution allows it. But I see possibilities and dreams too, and a sense of calmness. Whenever I focus my attention up there I am happier than here on earth its like astral projection maybe. But you could say the same thing for when I sleep, or distract myself with other things that are not in the now. Its simply a distraction at the end of the day, or a pause on life.
Why do you write these things the good the bad and the ugly?
A part of me wants people to hate me, maybe they'll read them maybe they won't have access or won't want to, i put a lot of warnings on my messages and stuff, its also very time consuming and jumbled. I make a lot of rude snide tmi comments, its the truth but its also in layers and layers of uhhhh complexity, I could be feeling a type of way. I think overall it would be good for closure? Maybe? Or if people wanted to know how I really felt, I would like to be understood in my entirety. Preferably without me around anymore to see it cause it's embarrassing. It would also be heartbreaking, and annoying to see how much of a little kaniving shit I actually am. Or maybe not that big of a revaltion idkk?? I didn't really answer the question proper, I write when im fighting insomnia, loneliness, depression, my stupid period or i just have thoughts that stream out and hurt my brain in trying to carpenmentalize idk how to spell that.
What is your plan if you dont die?
Its always been more or less the same. I asked [REDACTED] once or we talked about it and she said im really simple, I never realized I actually kinda am. That is if I could live such a life to begin with. I'd just want a Cabin, a cat and a girlfriend. Animate/draw freelance have a bunch of cute stuff in my house. Play videos games, live where its cool or maybe out of the U.S and go hiking often and I like to travel. No kids. They dont even have to be a girlfriend they could just be a partner/soul mate type deal. A reality that'll likely never be in my future, or in anyone's really who can afford a house!?
Do you get jealous of your friends lifes/partners?
Oh completely. Me writing the question as if I didnt already know the answer. Its not in the way you'd think tho like I mean you might be thinking this, fuck if I know but im just jealous of their happiness and satisfaction really. Not like the specific people. Its not sex related or relationship related I just think its. Uhhhh idk hard to keep going when I personally wake up to my cubicle with noone next to me while everyone else has people the minute they wake up to rely and count on. If I mess up, Noone cleans my mess but me, if I make a funny joke noone will hear it, If I felt accomplished cause I got something done noone will be there to celebrate with me. I just wake up in an endless cycle. I can talk to yall over the phone and see yall in person but ill always be alone no matter where I am or what I do. And some people can come to terms with that, and find the love within themselves but I just cant. I also cant take it upon myself to he anyone's problem, bring that kind of baggage and misfortune. Im too scared to even let someone new into my life. Especially knowing it just might end any old day. So yes im jealous, but id never do anything about it, its not my place. Im happy for you but im not actually happy, I mean you just found success where I didnt so its not my problem, im my own problem and thats why ill always feel this empty and alone.
Least favorite foods?
Not in any order, red bean paste, really spicy peppers I cant eat because well I cant eat them (fuck you habenaros), lousy eggs or lousy bacon from restaurants im very picky with those, eggs in general kind of make me sick and queasy. They're good over easy on like a bendict but sometimes idk not good at all. They're also good in ramen. Nato, most desserts/candy im not really a fan of. Dunno what's up with my biology if you put a nice peice of roasted broccoli in front of me id actually drool for it vs like ice cream or something. The candy and desserts I wouldn't eat would be like recess, lousy chocolates, hard candies, Mexican candy, Japanese candies, sour ones are okay I kinda like those. Most chips I dont really like, OMG BBQ flavor yuck least favorite thing. I got some takoyaki BBQ flavored chips by mistake and they've been in my pantry for 4 months. Chicken is always mid not that big of a fan but still eat it, fast foods, very cheesy thick pizza thats greasy, carrots are kinda mid, I still eat tho. The fat on steaks, absolute no. Squid & Urchin are big big nos. Bars are mid but I think thats the point. I HATE lemon flavoring too, lemon girl scout cookies make me hurlll! Computcha and most alcohal
LONG CRINGE TYPO-FILLED INSENSITIVE VENT INCOMING AHHH!:
I will be gone soon, I keep saying. It never happens. Hopefully, this time I will be. I cant stand it you guys, you dont know the half of what its like. A day in my life has to be one of the worst life roulettes you could get, I feel like something is tearing my heart apart every minute, I cant enjoy anything. You could say yeah a child in Gaza or some girl stuck in a basement is living a worse life, and yeah would wouldnt really be wrong there. But its the way I feel. Your not gonna make me feel better in any shape or form by saying shit like "Oh it could be so much worse imagine if you were blah blah blah". I guess the reality of it is my life is kind of fine, average even. Its not like the people around me are after my undoing and ive been traumatically raped or disfugured or something. I just feel horrible and miserable everyday and cant dig myself out of my own grave. Honestly I should be praised for how long I went without running wild and being a complete horrible person because I get no pleasure or enjoyment from anything, so if someone else experienced the way i feel all the time you could've expected worse things. I still have morals yeah and I hate bothering other people but mostly I just hate people in general. If someone actually got in my way for something I wanted to do long enough and I knew there were no repercussions in killing them I would. But aside from that gripe I really only think about killing myself. I dont want to deal with the hassle of anything else to do with this place, and taking someone out would just mean entangling yourself with the law and furthering to fuck yourself of escape. I dont think innocent people deserve to be killed because some sad little shit wasnt feeling happy, that ill stand on for sure. I have very strong beliefs about certain things that are unchanging, I hate being a bother to others. I hate being a bother, so I feel really guilty and overthink anything where I might have over stepped the line. I really just dont wanna be on the spotlight or the radar of anything at all. I used to say I hated alchoal I would never drink/ i hated drugs I would never take/ and I hated phones and that'd I never use them. Addictive things like that, I knew they were bad and I hated people who just let them control their lives. But I wound up doing it just like any other fucker. But I would happily say at least (besides the phone) I dont have addictions to alcohal and drugs, I would only use them to completely kill me or have a fun time with my friends (which to completely kill me is not out of enjoyment its just a necessity in dying) As a half assed coping mechanism they dont work, I know they aren't used like that and for good reasons but people do and it ends up backfiring major. For me it didnt even really backfire major doing drugs and drinking exces and stuff it just made me more sad so I found little reason in doing it, I never got angry at anyone so im glad im not an angry drunk. I just overthink 2x as much and I already do that on the daily so what's the point? Weed soothes others but makes me so anxious. Obviously I should be on prescription drugs or something for these things but I have been in the past and to no avail/make things worse, and also ive been turned down by every facility in the book and its hard to want "help" when the help is running as fast as it can away from you instead of embracing you with open arms. I cant play that game of cat and mouse forever. Im starting to think absolutely nothing can get me out of this rut. "Suicide is a solution to a temporary problem" is what I always heard. If you look at my life struggles right now sure they're temporary, grades falling, not locking in proper, finding stability and a job, finding more friends/partner, having more healthy habits. But there's nothing temporary about the way I feel, you cant reasonably keep existing like this. Whatever I have, doesnt go away no matter what activity I partake in. It's nullifying and embarassing. I wish mental issues could be shown surface level to show others an extent of what im dealing with or something. Maybe out of mercy/pity someone would shoot me, like they do a horse when its leg broke in a ditch. Instead, because these things aren't recognized fully as debilitating problems I have to pretend to be a functioning member of society who doesnt think about dieing every second of every day.
Im making a new plan, this one might just be as dumb as the last one. But who am I without an overcomplicated plan that'll backfire, im just too dumb and impatient to get things right! The part of my brain that was actually able to do things smartly is gone, whatever this is has eaten away at me for long enough that ive lost the ability to do most anything. I just feel lost Faded and confused, and I cant remember anything. Anyway im gonna overdose again. I just need to be less anxious next time, not wuss out and text my friend out of fear. Im going to lock my phone somehow? Just for the record I did that out of fear of pain, I want to die more than anything. I felt no relief after that whole hospital fiasco. If anything I just was more determined to die. I obviously felt guilt and shame yk for people knowing now I I might be a little fucked up and in the red zone. The hospital didn't trust I wouldn't try and kms again and they kinda had a right to be. Tho noone is keeping me trapped anywhere, I will get out. Another strong strong belief of mine is freedom, corny yeah but I believe everyone deserves the right to freedom. I never chose to take part in society it was just forced on me. There is no other options. So why should I ever be allowed to be locked up!? Im taking part of it anyway because there is no option to not take part in it! It's insane. We live on this earth free and we die free, and yet we are trapped in this made up system. It keeps bad people away sure but it also ruins the whole point of why we're here. I mean im not sure exactly why we are here necessarily but we should be living happy. I suppose the world is dark and if everyone were free and happy we'd have to suffer from others lack of freedom like that omelias story. It's just the way humans are. I dont wanna be one anymore. Could you imagine being anything else, how different of an experience that would be. You wouldn't have to stress about your midterm or insurance! You'd just soar through the skies as an eagle or some shit. Sure the hunter would shoot you one day but you'd die doing what you love, what you born to do and what you're good at! I cant say id die satisfied at all. But I sure as hell am not coming back as a spirit with unfinished business, my work here is done, so long. I want to be gone from everything. All traces of me should vanish, and they will in due time. Im so sick of everything it just gives me a headache. People hate hearing me say that..but its true! Everything irritates me and causes me pain so why should I even be here at all reasonably!? You just need to let me go, and ill let myself go...or try to and least. I know its impossible in "society" to do so without it being completely painless in some shape or form. In the pain it doesn't inflict on me it'll inflict on others and their pockets...but honestly the guilt would die with me technically so I have nothing to feel guilty about. Dying is a selfish choice but its one i have to make. If I dont give them a 100,000 grand hospital bill like last time itll be a win-win. I'll try and go out away from my roomates to, wouldn't want that. But anyone else out of my immediate circle I could genuinely care less. Dont confuse me for not caring about random people. I do its just complicated. You're a headache until your not. But I dont come off as rude or dismissive when I first meet you, I try and be nice. I dont even hate everyone its just complicated. I've been shown enough generosity from folks to know better. I just cant deal? and cant bring myself to care as much, I mean as if I ever did lol. The guilt kinda just sits with me and stirs in my head. The way I poorly treat my mother and take advantage of her nativity or undermine her efforts. The way I diffuse my friends, divert or pretend to care about anything as if Im showing a glimpse of any actual interest at all. In reality im just pretending, acting like a jokester and losing my sanity trying to maintain a semblance of a friendship to seem normal and maintain what we used to have. I dont know why im still "trying",im not really trying to do much of anything. Sure im making a "plan" but like it'll be just a in the moment kind of thing. Everything I do and act on is a in the moment type thing. I have a plan A (not die and try and make something of my life) and a plan B (kms with Sn) but both are running overtop one another basically. It's hard to explain i feel like my words dont make it make sense but like yes im still actively making plans for the future with the intention of doing them, going to concerts/movies getogethers. But like if anything goes south I will just kill myself in an instant if I have the right access. So currently im going to work on getting that, so I can always fallback on it if need me. You could rebuttal, [REDACTED] if you think about killing yourself every moment how could u resist doing it right away? Access, it has to be 100% foolproof before I attempt again, I also have no means currently. The costs/getting a package taken/wellnesschecks/transaction history on the card/money$$ (which Im serverly lacking in)/Restrictions with prescriptions/Time and legitimacy. When I do have everything together it'll be the next moment I cant take the sadness anymore. Most days im like a num gray color and some days im a bright electric blue, those are the days I cant stand to be here anymore and ill feel more up to the ball game.
How many more of these god damn notes before im actually gone, which one will actually be legitmate, only time will tell. Can I actually follow through with a single thing in my god damn life. I doubt. If I have to face another person after attempting to die ill actually die from cringe instead.
On a sideee note let's ignore the suicidal stuff for now and dive into some other shit, im trying to fall asleep for my 9am which I had homework due for that I did not do currently and its 230am. Failingggg. I just cant get tired so there's like nothing I can do. Phone can be put down and still im gonna toss and turn and also I get a headache when I cry so I have that going on now and that usually keeps me up. Im not like crying heavily I just tear a little and it'll start regardless. Probably because I have so little water in me that when it seeps out a smidgen my body is desperate for moisture and sets off the bitch alarm in my brain. I feel like confessing rn and exploring my emotions which I dunno why I love to do so much, I have nothing left to even confess ive really admitted everything in these notes apps and stuff. And even in general im a pretty tmi person. What may you not know about me hmmm????? Some other stuff I was considering to do in life which is out of the ball park now would be police, detective, forensic scientist, psychologist, or something to do with animals like a researcher who gets to travel to the artic and study seals or some shit. Scuba diving instructor/recreational parks person things. Though maybe in an alternate reality that won't be happening here. I've been told there are alternatives and my life doesnt have to be so black & white but when i latch on on to something i have to commit 100% or it aint even worth it. It becomes me and if I cant live up the expectations I may as well cease to exist. Well currently my art isn't on par where I want it to be because I cant not dick around for the life of me so kinda heading in that direction. I fail to have any more passion for any of the things I listed and art included so it doesnt really matter what one I pick just need something to latch onto and pretend to pursue. I'll never amount to anything so no point thinking about it too hard, ill also never enjoy it. Anywayyy moving onn lets take some questions from the nonexistent crowd like im a twitch streamer reading chat but in reality a sad a lonely incel writing notes to herself at 3am.
[REDACTED] what do you think of the political state of the world right now?
I mean just like most people i think its horrible but i cant think about it too hard or it'll piss me off cause how much of it is out of my hands so I try and focus on my own life, it'll also not be my problem pretty soon. I cant afford to think about anything else
What is your favorite game?
I think this is a hard question because of how much time I spent devoted to video games. And it depends heavily. But Rpgs have always made me nostalgic because of Titles like PokƩmon. So black and white is my favorite of that genre. My favorite puzzle games are Zelda titles and I love love love detective games like Ace attorney and Danganronpa, the murder mystery gameplay style I enjoy. I mean i kinda enjoy all genres except shooters too much and online stuff, they make me rage and not wanna play as often but I did have my fair share of overwatch and splatoon. Red dead is maybe my favorite all time not nostalgia blind game, solid ass story and super immersion gameplay. Made me appreciate cowboys and wanna be one oddly enough which I didnt care for them before, I like their connection to freedom, nature and each other if that makes sense.
When you stare into the night sky what do you see?
I see stars obviously, if the light pollution allows it. But I see possibilities and dreams too, and a sense of calmness. Whenever I focus my attention up there I am happier than here on earth its like astral projection maybe. But you could say the same thing for when I sleep, or distract myself with other things that are not in the now. Its simply a distraction at the end of the day, or a pause on life.
Why do you write these things the good the bad and the ugly?
A part of me wants people to hate me, maybe they'll read them maybe they won't have access or won't want to, i put a lot of warnings on my messages and stuff, its also very time consuming and jumbled. I make a lot of rude snide tmi comments, its the truth but its also in layers and layers of uhhhh complexity, I could be feeling a type of way. I think overall it would be good for closure? Maybe? Or if people wanted to know how I really felt, I would like to be understood in my entirety. Preferably without me around anymore to see it cause it's embarrassing. It would also be heartbreaking, and annoying to see how much of a little kaniving shit I actually am. Or maybe not that big of a revaltion idkk?? I didn't really answer the question proper, I write when im fighting insomnia, loneliness, depression, my stupid period or i just have thoughts that stream out and hurt my brain in trying to carpenmentalize idk how to spell that.
What is your plan if you dont die?
Its always been more or less the same. I asked [REDACTED] once or we talked about it and she said im really simple, I never realized I actually kinda am. That is if I could live such a life to begin with. I'd just want a Cabin, a cat and a girlfriend. Animate/draw freelance have a bunch of cute stuff in my house. Play videos games, live where its cool or maybe out of the U.S and go hiking often and I like to travel. No kids. They dont even have to be a girlfriend they could just be a partner/soul mate type deal. A reality that'll likely never be in my future, or in anyone's really who can afford a house!?
Do you get jealous of your friends lifes/partners?
Oh completely. Me writing the question as if I didnt already know the answer. Its not in the way you'd think tho like I mean you might be thinking this, fuck if I know but im just jealous of their happiness and satisfaction really. Not like the specific people. Its not sex related or relationship related I just think its. Uhhhh idk hard to keep going when I personally wake up to my cubicle with noone next to me while everyone else has people the minute they wake up to rely and count on. If I mess up, Noone cleans my mess but me, if I make a funny joke noone will hear it, If I felt accomplished cause I got something done noone will be there to celebrate with me. I just wake up in an endless cycle. I can talk to yall over the phone and see yall in person but ill always be alone no matter where I am or what I do. And some people can come to terms with that, and find the love within themselves but I just cant. I also cant take it upon myself to he anyone's problem, bring that kind of baggage and misfortune. Im too scared to even let someone new into my life. Especially knowing it just might end any old day. So yes im jealous, but id never do anything about it, its not my place. Im happy for you but im not actually happy, I mean you just found success where I didnt so its not my problem, im my own problem and thats why ill always feel this empty and alone.
Least favorite foods?
Not in any order, red bean paste, really spicy peppers I cant eat because well I cant eat them (fuck you habenaros), lousy eggs or lousy bacon from restaurants im very picky with those, eggs in general kind of make me sick and queasy. They're good over easy on like a bendict but sometimes idk not good at all. They're also good in ramen. Nato, most desserts/candy im not really a fan of. Dunno what's up with my biology if you put a nice peice of roasted broccoli in front of me id actually drool for it vs like ice cream or something. The candy and desserts I wouldn't eat would be like recess, lousy chocolates, hard candies, Mexican candy, Japanese candies, sour ones are okay I kinda like those. Most chips I dont really like, OMG BBQ flavor yuck least favorite thing. I got some takoyaki BBQ flavored chips by mistake and they've been in my pantry for 4 months. Chicken is always mid not that big of a fan but still eat it, fast foods, very cheesy thick pizza thats greasy, carrots are kinda mid, I still eat tho. The fat on steaks, absolute no. Squid & Urchin are big big nos. Bars are mid but I think thats the point. I HATE lemon flavoring too, lemon girl scout cookies make me hurlll! Computcha and most alcohal
