Venting Maybe it was never meant to be

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I think that sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking there is a way out, I think I fell into that trap. My whole life I've tried to follow what people tell me to do. To fit in, to get a job, to go to school, to socialize, to do this and that. I've never really been successful in any of these categories, but until recently I bought into the lie that 'it gets better'. I've seen people escape their situation in life, I know its possible. It's just that it feels like it was never meant to be for me. Until recently I thought I was just socially awkward, that one day I'd grow out of this phase in life and enjoy it how other people were. I got diagnosed with ASD-1 and social anxiety recently, and that really shattered my world. It made sense, the idea that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and in a way it was comforting: all the effort I put in that didn't get results wasn't entirely my own fault, something was wrong with my brain. But this is a really cold comfort, it just wasn't meant to be. Why bother? Why bother with all the ins and outs of social life, of trying and failing to be the bare minimum of a functional person, if it is just always going to be this way? It doesn't get easier, or better. In fact, as I've grown up, I've struggled worse, staying in place emotionally and socially speaking while everyone else forges ahead. I've always drunk but now I really drink heavily, I keep up a facade for the people in my life but really I've completely given up. I'm almost at peace with the fact that I will be an outsider in life forever, and that any action I take will only prolong my suffering. It reminds me of an experiment by Harry Harlow: he would put newborn monkeys in a 'pit of despair', an isolation chamber that was basically an inverted pyramid with minimal light. The monkeys would try to climb the walls for a while before settling in the bottom of the pit. There they would sit in isolation for months, and come out broken and unable to interact, even when reintegrated with others. I think its time for me to stop climbing the walls.

Anyone else feel like this, or struggled with mental conditions?

 

[Pvnie]

I relate to you, even in my moments of minor success i felt empty inside. Although its funny because I only started caring about this shit due to nonsense on the internet which I latched onto and formed my whole identity around, I could now properly I guess express myself through this medium, this new me and it gave my life a narrative and a reason to feel sad which doesn't make sense I know, but its weird, I had no idea who I was back then and I still don't but it doesn't matter now.


I always figured I'd grow up and change from the weird autistic loser I was, that one day i'd be like everyone else and have a gf and get married and live some lame white picket fence existence but despite my efforts it just doesn't seem like that's what's going to happen. However I'm dealing with an even "bigger" problem now. I hate the concept of being aware on this mortal coil and potentially even in the aether altogether, I've fantasized of catching the bus and being like "Hey there being beyond comprehension who has created this universe, I was wondering if you would theoretically exempt me from heaven or hell as I have tried to follow your ways the best I possibly could" and then having my soul erased entirely that would be the ultimate form of peace.