Cauliflour
The masochist who doodles.
- Mar 24, 2025
- 318
I am a masochist and it's not a secret if you've seen any of my earlier posts. The more I spiral down the mental health drain, the more I realise just how much this actually means to me. I used to clarify on older posts that it's not a sexual thing. Well...it's a sexual thing now...I think. I have had thoughts recently of being stabbed, that nail ball on the back thing, having my thighs cut by a hot woman and enjoying it because in whatever vague mental scenario those were, they were someone I was romantically and emotionally close with. My god, I would willingly get murdered if the murderer was a pretty woman I had feelings for, I'm too extreme for these BDSM people. They use whips and tieing up and blindfolds and I think it's those common things that made me unsure and doubt myself for a while because I don't like the idea of being whipped (no blood :( ) or being tied up most ways (how would I stim?) or blindfolds (because then I can't look at their face) yet I still fall under the definition of "finds enjoyment in pain". Can't follow the script for anything. Can't do lesbianism right. Can't do normalcy right. Can't strictly follow cartoons or anime styles. Can't stick to a music genre. And now I can't do masochism right. I'm gonna be such a pain in the ass if I ever get a girlfriend. I'd have to write a list or something to explain my weird ass boundaries. Fucking autism strikes again! I'm starting to see why people classify it as a dissability now, if so many of my current thoughs, traits and problems stem from that little bitch. Guess I can feel less guilty for having the R-word pass now!...I'm sorry that was a terrible joke.Non sexually, I like to cut. It's a short term solution to keep my sanity in check. I love every part of cutting, apart from that stage 2-6 hours after where it doesn't start to heal yet so it looks kinda boring without all the redness. This feeling is slowly dominating my life. I have a habit of putting self harm themes into my work because I've been doing this for so long that I'm losing track on how normal people act. It's numbed me from pain to the point I watch gore and don't feel disturbed or horrified (mostly). I can't get dressed in the morning without thinking about my scars, no matter how faint some of them are. I mean, I've been carrying a knife with me wherever I go for like 3 years now because it brings me comfort and I don't even live in a dangerous place. I love this but it's put strain onto close relationships. I talked about this too much to my friend and now she's not responding to my texts, probably out of fear. My mum definetly sees me in a different light. I made my old friend mad because someone told them and I've been paranoid about people finding out ever since. 3 people I know in real life know I self harm (4 if you count my old school nurse), or at least did when I was 13 and every time probably caused some trauma I don't know what classes as trauma as I'm so disconnected from my feelings (autism thing, always been like that) but I think about it quite a bit, especially now.
Just a little tip if you found out your friend self harms: DON'T FUCKING GRAB THEIR ARM AND MOVE UP THEIR CLOTHING TO REVEAL THE SCARS TO THEIR OTHER FRIEND! I mean, my friend was also 13 and my school would only briefly touch on self harm in mental health PSAs (and it was always listed as a side effect for depression or something) so I can see why she acted the way she did but my god; one time I was in my classroom and she tried to drag me to the nurse's office to get me to stop cutting and I clung onto this table that was moulded onto the floor for dear life until she stopped after everyone else in the classroom saw what she was doing. My old friend just got mad and definetly saw me as an "edgy wannabe" afterwards. I don't know I never really talked to them about it ever since. I think my mum found out due to me not being careful enough (either that or my friend snitched) and she made me take off almost all of my clothes so she could examine me for scars and she said she "couldn't find any" but I know damn well she saw and didn't mention it. To this day she keeps an eye out whenever I'm at the dinner table and stretching out my arm to grab a spoon it's really annoying cause then she asks me to show the scars and she doesn't believe me when I say I do it because I like it. To be fair though, mental health PSAs are already bullshit let alone ones on self harm. Like they never talk about the dysmorphia of seeing photos of people with more fucked up scars and wishing really badly you had arms like that too so you make a mood board from pictures found on Google from said PSAs and then you draw a picture of yourself covered in those scars and you pose in front of the mirror with your fresh scars because you feel so damn sexy now but you still wish you had more of them and deeper ones...That's why I think I have body dysmorphia as I seem to be the only one who's fussed about how horrfic my scars look. I intentionally place them to look as stylishly as possible, that's gotta count right? Fuck how many disorders is this autism potentially giving me?
I like to insult myself and make sure I don't absorb a lot of praise because that's what the woman in my head would say. She was a realist and made me realise that I'm a piece of shit. Oh my god that "not quite DID but would probably develop into DID if she stayed long enough" personality made me into a masochist. Don't know what the trigger was, haven't had a major traumatic event (even trying to choke myself to death isn't seen as "that traumatic" I mean I think about it quite frequently but I don't really fit the PTSD requirements so it's probably nothing) but if I had to guess, probably some autistic thing. God I miss her so much. I wouldn't want DID as then I wouldn't be able to properly interact with her and also I'm paranoid enough without the constant worry of suddenly being kicked out of control for a couple hours. Schizophrenia sounds like a better compromise so I can see her like a normal person but then I'll probably end up with a shit ton of hard to manage halucinations too which does not sound fun at all. I'm sorry I'll stop now.
