Major depression is like a one-man's hell

[noname223]

David Foster Wallace used that word though I am not sure about the English translation. I always find that pretty accurate being in an one man's hell. It really feels like I was alienated because the people surrounding me are not in such an existential pain as me. I have the feeling most people live completely lives. It feels like I was on an island without any other inhabitants. It feels very lonely. And my irony and dark humor is kind of a cry for help. I also joke with healthy people who think I was just a funny guy. But the meta-joke is that in reality I am suffering like in hell and I just act as if everything was fine.

I am the butt of the joke because I know my life will probably end with suicide. But I try to take it with dignity and composure. Things like this happen. For some people there is just no happy end. Though in real I am extremely desperate and would almost do anything to gain enough life quality so that I am not forced to ctb. Life is so unfair.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unfair, and it is sad how much some people suffer. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.

 

[rationaltake]

I know.

 

[DarkFriend.]

I too have never doubted that my life will end in suicide . . . unless fortune bestows death upon me first.

My depression has always seemed to be there, really I can hardly remember the times where it wasn't--it would have had to have been back when I was a child. It feels like an old friend--a demon really--one that has watched over me and kept me company during the dark times . . . all the time, actually.

At this point I'm unsure whether it's what's keeping me alive or pushing me closer to the edge.

All I know is that I just want to take my freedom into my own hands.

I feel numb to everything.

 

[Ness]

I relate to this.