Loving Someone who is Inherently Better Than You

[overthrone]

So,
There's a guy i've liked for a little bit, though only recently realized it. There's a multitude of reasons i couldn't date him realistically, but the main reason that's holding me back is the fact that he's so inherently good while I'm awful. He's genuinely the kindest person i've ever met, like an actual fucking angel. And then there's me, basically the complete opposite of that. I feel like dating him would simultaneously solve every single problem i've had in my entire life, while also creating thousands of problems for him. That's why I can't say anything. The guilt i would feel if i ruined him would drive me straight to suicide, and destroy everything that's been holding me back from doing it in the first place.
I like him. I like him so much, but I would ruin everything that made me like him in the first place.

 

[Lamentice]

Humans cannot be "angel(s)", people are not entirely morally good, ever, even if they are generally kind & well-intentioned.

Putting someone on an infallible, divine pedestal is the groundwork of [at best] severe dissapointment and disillusionment once that person becomes inevitability demystified, and at worst priming yourself for abuse to someone who may become sadistically aware of the power dynamic. The 2nd is even more likely when this level of idealized worship is stemming from a place of profound self loathing and insecurity.

I've just witnessed way too many people get swept up in this exact dynamic and become victims, humans are just humans always....

 

[Pluto]

 

[Dejected 55]

You don't owe anyone affection, even if they are really nice. That said, if you do like him... I encourage you to give it a try and see how it works. I mean, if you both like each other, why not see what happens?

I've had a couple of times in my life when I've approached women and gotten non-committal responses that led me to believe maybe they did like me but were hesitant because of self-doubt or being hurt in the past. I could be wrong of course... but in those cases I felt bad for both of us because I was losing out on a chance to get to know someone I thought was a good person that I cared about, and she was losing a chance to get to know me as well.

Don't let fear of failure let you from trying and expressing if you like someone. It might not work. But liking someone and not letting them know and giving both of you a chance to try is something you can't undo. You can get over a failed relationship or one that just doesn't really work... but never knowing and "what if" can haunt you.

 

[overthrone]

Humans cannot be "angel(s)", people are not entirely morally good, ever, even if they are generally kind & well-intentioned.

Putting someone on an infallible, divine pedestal is the groundwork of [at best] severe dissapointment and disillusionment once that person becomes inevitability demystified, and at worst priming yourself for abuse to someone who may become sadistically aware of the power dynamic. The 2nd is even more likely when this level of idealized worship is stemming from a place of profound self loathing and insecurity.

I've just witnessed way too many people get swept up in this exact dynamic and become victims, humans are just humans always....

I understand your concern, but retrospectively, you don't know him. I cannot see him posing a threat to me - and that's another reason I'd like to be with him, to see what really makes him human.

 

[Messy Room]

Seems like youre infantalising him

 

[overthrone]

Seems like youre infantalising him

How so? /genq - I can still view him as an angel and see him as a grown man..?

 

[BookShelf]

I dont think infantilizing him, but "idealizing" him? definitely.

No one is perfect, and we, humans tend to be really hard with ourselves constantly, which helps into you believing the idea of not being good enough for him.


If he really meant infantilizing him, i really don't know why they mean by that.

 

[overthrone]

I dont think infantilizing him, but "idealizing" him? definitely.

No one is perfect, and we, humans tend to be really hard with ourselves constantly, which helps into you believing the idea of not being good enough for him.


If he really meant infantilizing him, i really don't know why they mean by that.

Idealizing, i can totally understand, and I admit to it. I do see him as a kind of figure who can do no wrong, which i know is false but choose to ignore it for the sake of my own comfort.

 

[itsgone2]

Be careful. My ex was a good person and I was not. I wasted many years of her life. She's with someone that makes her happy now.
I had that capacity. I just didn't do it.
So if you pursue it I'd just say you need to change. You need to be a better person. Don't waste part of their life.

 

[Mooncry]

You maybe might want to look into limerence? Not sure if that's what's going on here.

 

[Messy Room]

How so? /genq - I can still view him as an angel and see him as a grown man..?

If you want to try dating him then do it, if you dont like him that's also okay. If he doesnt like you or is hurt by your behaviour he will break it up. You dont know what he's into and it's not your responsibility to make decisions on his behalf

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Don't put people on pedestals, you'll regret it.

They're not any better than you. So what if they have money? Have the looks? Have a more interesting hobby than you? Have smoother career than you?

We breathe the same air and walk the same earth. None of us floats in midair like fucking Homelander.

 

[endboss]

...but i am a creep, i am a weirdo... <3

 

[softfur]

logistically it's not right to think this about people but i get it

 

[Ashu]

Be careful. My ex was a good person and I was not. I wasted many years of her life. She's with someone that makes her happy now.
I had that capacity. I just didn't do it.
So if you pursue it I'd just say you need to change. You need to be a better person. Don't waste part of their life.

I completely relate. I should not have married my wife, I have suffered years of the hellfire of guilt over it. Not saying that would or should happen in the poster's case, but I relate to your contribution. It's a terrible fate.

You maybe might want to look into limerence? Not sure if that's what's going on here.

It's just a type of love. All love is ultimately subjective.

 

[violetforever]

...but i am a creep, i am a weirdo... <3

im literally listening to that as i read this thread…

like an actual fucking angel

…and right as i read this part it played the lyric "youre just like an angel" c:

feel like dating him would simultaneously solve every single problem i've had in my entire life, while also creating thousands of problems for him.

this is how it is for me too. so many things people could offer to my life and so many things about them i can admire but when it comes to me, theres nothing but problems. i try so hard just to see it fail because im just not good enough to have around.