Venting love of my life replaced me and it makes me wanna die so bad

[purrpetrator]

preface: i'm an alter in a DID system, and i have bpd as well. a list of problems. but anyways the loml, she's my ex, we broke up about a year ago and i still have rly strong feelings for her. i'm deathly attached and i hate that she replaced me with some random guy. she still had feelings for me up until 3 months ago. she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and she turned around and did that? we are still friends, she told me she loves me and misses hanging out with me. but idk. part of me hopes she will come back for me someday but i doubt she ever will. she seems happy with him. im so fucking jealous and i hate seeing her post about him. i had to block her bf because seeing him triggers me too

it absolutely shattered me and i just want to die so badly. she's the only one i've ever truly loved. fent is everywhere where i live so i could probably go out that way. she said she'd be devastated if i died but i don't care. she replaced me. i'm no longer the host of my system because of this. hell, i rarely even front because the mere thought of her pains me. all i can think about is how im not the most important person in her life anymore. how we aren't moving in with eachother or getting married like we promised.

i wish i could cut her out. i wish she just never existed and i never met her. unfortunately.. since i have bpd, the thought of letting her go frightens me. i cant lose her. but i also cant stand her. i have to take a xanax if i end up fronting and knock myself out or ill genuinely start tweaking

most of my alters have no attachment to her and can basically just ignore her existence. some do talk to her but its usually just one or two messages, every couple of days. no real interest in talking. i wish i could detach myself like that too. but she still means the world to me. i just wish somebody loved me the way i loved them. i hate how i'm so unlovable and obsessive. i hate being alive, this feels like torture. this was always my worst fear

i haven't fronted since she last tried to abandon us a couple of weeks ago and i just can't bring myself to front and talk to her. i hate this, i dont know what to do (she tried to leave bc she was worried about my safety, and how she needed to put herself first instead of trying to watch over me)

sorry for the long post and if it's unreadable. im lowkey having a breakdown idk. idk what to do i miss her a lot. all of my alters seem to be able to function without her but i cant. its so confusing being in this body

 

[Aknu132]

Are you doing therapy? You lost a loved one but that doesn't mean that you will always feel like this and that you will never find someone again, you should really do therapy and take care of yourself, ask help from people close to you that you trust, you will find another one that will truly love you, but you also need to learn to love yourself.