WPeregrine
New Member
- Jul 22, 2026
- 1
I feel like ending my life. It just seems not worth living. The effort it takes to live life, seems to be without reward. It is not even that I actively feel unhappy or depressed. My life circumstances are not dire, and there is plenty of good and pleasurable things in my life, and I'm still capable of enjoying them. But those joys and pleasures, just don't seem to be worth the effort it takes to sustain my life. They seem like decorations, distractions, to hide the emptiness underneath.
I've been depressed and recovered before. Although it feels more like "recovery" just tought me how to ward off the depressive emotions most of the time, rather than fix the actual depression. I've gotten very good at ignoring that emptiness; I've learned to look away, avoid, distract myself, so effectively, that I'm able to ward off the depressive emotional state quite successfully. But, looking at my behaviours, depression still is what this is, I just don't feel the emotional blackness. Its like, life is still enjoyable, yet I'm not seeing the point of living it. I don't know how that makes sense, but it seem to be the reality of my experience.
Apparently, depression is not about dark emotions for me right now. Depression mostly manifests as a lack of motivation, a lack of creative energy, a lack of ambition, a lack of life force. I'll go out for drinks and have fun, I'll go to my dance classes and enjoy it, I see two doves court and I smile, but there is zero energy to build a life I dream of, zero energy to work to even just sustain my life.
Even purpose, I'm not sure is at the core of it. The job I do, it has purpose. It contributes to society. It contributes to human wellbeing. And if done right, it does not have to harm nature necessarily. I admit its not a profound purpose, but it is definitely adequate within the context of our modern society, and more purposeful and less harmful than probably at least 50% of other jobs. Yet I dread starting my new job in 2 months. It's like I already feel burned out, before I've even started it! Perhaps the problem is, the purpose is to contribute to the wellbeing of a society, that I fundamentally do not care for?
But evenso, in my core I sense, that it does not really matter what job I do, that the emptiness will follow me into any of my endeavors. Its a problem that originates not from my actions, not from the world around me, but from some place within me that I'm not able or willing to face. Even that I don't know if its true, or if I'm just conjuring up an excuse to keep feeling the way I do. I'm lost here.
Where do people actually get their zest for life from?? I don't think I've ever really felt that energy. I've never in my 36 years felt intrisically motivated towards life, its just the outside pressures of society that have propelled me through life thusfar. But ultimately, those outside pressures just keep burning me out; but there also does not seem to be any intrinsic motivation to draw from instead.
I've worked on myself, gone through therapy, worked with a life coach, read up on buddhism/taoism etc., I meditate (with variable degrees of consistency), I journal, I've done psilocybine ceremonies, I've overcome the worst of my social anxiety issues, I've gotten in touch with my emotions, I've awakened a sense of spirituality, grown much more comfortable with myself and my flaws, I've gotten in touch with my heart and see the visions of what I dream my life to be like. Objectively it all has improved the quality of my life, yet none of that inner work seems to have sparked even the slightest sense of intrinsic motivation to manifest any of my dreams. What it has accomplished, is loosing the grip of those outside pressures on me to propel me forward, leaving me to sit dead in the water without any intrinsic drive…
I'm also starting to feel like psychedelics maybe have screwed me up... destroying a painful but pragmatic illusion, only to reveal a truth that is maybe less painful, but also completely impractical and unhelpful to function in life...
Without any internal or external motivation to live life, just ending it seems like the only logical thing to do. But it feels weak. It feels like I'm quitting out of laziness. It feels unfair towards my loved ones. But I see no point in just prodding on like this either… I'm willing to be convinced life is worth living, but I'm not sure there's anything that can convince me at this point. Recovery feels like what I've been trying for the past 10 years, only to be left disillusioned after every new attempted strategy trying to make life worth it.
I've been depressed and recovered before. Although it feels more like "recovery" just tought me how to ward off the depressive emotions most of the time, rather than fix the actual depression. I've gotten very good at ignoring that emptiness; I've learned to look away, avoid, distract myself, so effectively, that I'm able to ward off the depressive emotional state quite successfully. But, looking at my behaviours, depression still is what this is, I just don't feel the emotional blackness. Its like, life is still enjoyable, yet I'm not seeing the point of living it. I don't know how that makes sense, but it seem to be the reality of my experience.
Apparently, depression is not about dark emotions for me right now. Depression mostly manifests as a lack of motivation, a lack of creative energy, a lack of ambition, a lack of life force. I'll go out for drinks and have fun, I'll go to my dance classes and enjoy it, I see two doves court and I smile, but there is zero energy to build a life I dream of, zero energy to work to even just sustain my life.
Even purpose, I'm not sure is at the core of it. The job I do, it has purpose. It contributes to society. It contributes to human wellbeing. And if done right, it does not have to harm nature necessarily. I admit its not a profound purpose, but it is definitely adequate within the context of our modern society, and more purposeful and less harmful than probably at least 50% of other jobs. Yet I dread starting my new job in 2 months. It's like I already feel burned out, before I've even started it! Perhaps the problem is, the purpose is to contribute to the wellbeing of a society, that I fundamentally do not care for?
But evenso, in my core I sense, that it does not really matter what job I do, that the emptiness will follow me into any of my endeavors. Its a problem that originates not from my actions, not from the world around me, but from some place within me that I'm not able or willing to face. Even that I don't know if its true, or if I'm just conjuring up an excuse to keep feeling the way I do. I'm lost here.
Where do people actually get their zest for life from?? I don't think I've ever really felt that energy. I've never in my 36 years felt intrisically motivated towards life, its just the outside pressures of society that have propelled me through life thusfar. But ultimately, those outside pressures just keep burning me out; but there also does not seem to be any intrinsic motivation to draw from instead.
I've worked on myself, gone through therapy, worked with a life coach, read up on buddhism/taoism etc., I meditate (with variable degrees of consistency), I journal, I've done psilocybine ceremonies, I've overcome the worst of my social anxiety issues, I've gotten in touch with my emotions, I've awakened a sense of spirituality, grown much more comfortable with myself and my flaws, I've gotten in touch with my heart and see the visions of what I dream my life to be like. Objectively it all has improved the quality of my life, yet none of that inner work seems to have sparked even the slightest sense of intrinsic motivation to manifest any of my dreams. What it has accomplished, is loosing the grip of those outside pressures on me to propel me forward, leaving me to sit dead in the water without any intrinsic drive…
I'm also starting to feel like psychedelics maybe have screwed me up... destroying a painful but pragmatic illusion, only to reveal a truth that is maybe less painful, but also completely impractical and unhelpful to function in life...
Without any internal or external motivation to live life, just ending it seems like the only logical thing to do. But it feels weak. It feels like I'm quitting out of laziness. It feels unfair towards my loved ones. But I see no point in just prodding on like this either… I'm willing to be convinced life is worth living, but I'm not sure there's anything that can convince me at this point. Recovery feels like what I've been trying for the past 10 years, only to be left disillusioned after every new attempted strategy trying to make life worth it.
I tried killing myself today but I ended up just not doing it thoroughly..i hate this life so much..my head is throbbing right now due to exposure of CO
