lost my love and ability to draw thanks to depression

[evrlastingsea]

i went to an art highschool, did art for uni, have been drawing my whole life, i also worked in creative. but now i'm slowly losing my ability to do it.

honestly it's been built up for so long. being in an environment where everyone is just really skilled makes me compare myself so much to them. got me depressed. i sell my art in events, and they always went quite well, but i can't make my brain believe that my art is any good.

the moment i knew i'm fucked is when i puked while trying to draw. i really can't seem to be creative anymore. maybe having a hobby as my career is my first mistake. i can't finish any drawing without crying or getting nauseous, i can't find the joy in making art anymore, i can't love art anymore for myself. it sucks because I've lived my whole life dedicated for art, and it's probably has been 3 years since i last enjoyed making art.

It's so funny because my old art teacher in hs told us that the more depressed someone is, the more creative they get. it's such a dumb take but funny how that didn't apply to me when i needed it the most.

I know i just have to create. i don't have to worry, and just create what i want. but what do i want? what do i like?

The only time i could force myself to draw is when I'm influenced by alcohol. even then, the progress is very small.

And since i work in creative, i'll just wait and see when i'll get really fucked. If there's anyone who went to similar experience pls share if there's anything to help you with that bc i really really really need to lock tf in

 

[Lost in a Dream]

While I have made some art in the past, creative writing has always been my thing. I seem to make more progress writing when I'm under the influence of alcohol, just like you are when you draw, but like you said, some days the progress is small, other times it's more. It really depends on the day. It's been a while since I've gotten any writing done and I wish I had some good advice.

 

[limenlux]

I was taught how to draw in the "technical" sense by my father, but lack the talent and creativity of a proper artist. I admire what people such as yourself are capable of creating and really hope you're able to find your drive again.

It's so funny because my old art teacher in hs told us that the more depressed someone is, the more creative they get. it's such a dumb take but funny how that didn't apply to me when i needed it the most.

Perfect opportunity to be a smartass and point out that Van Gogh shot himself.

 

[rublev66]

I think I still have some love for what I do deep down inside, so I probably would not be able to understand you. Just wrote some random stuff.

maybe having a hobby as my career is my first mistake

For as long as I can remember my professional field you may call "related to art" has been the foundation of my life. Same story with the environment where everyone around is really skilled. For four years I busted my ass trying to break into a good place in the industry. Even back then I met plenty of people who would already been broken at that stage. Later I got disappointed with the amount of commercialism. I realized that to get anywhere near art, the place where the best of the best do their best, where great things get made, you have to put in a hundred times more effort. Art that requires a collective is a terrifying thing. There are 8 billion of us. I will admit that a person potential only really unfolds toward the end of their life, and that they set their own limits, but I think in an environment that tight, they would have gotten along perfectly well without me.

Of course I would like to think I'm the next protagonist of Marty Supreme, Whiplash, Babylon, etc. But I'm not sure I still have that kind of fire in me. And I don't mean recognition from other people, fame, or any of that nonsense. Just pure aspiration.

I don't think half-measures will work for me. I was happy only when I was completely burning for my work, all of my time. Whenever I talk about this, I keep coming back to the moment in Whiplash where the character, after a bad burnout, finds his childhood photos and remembers why he fell in love with jazz in the first place. It all comes from childhood. Despite the pressure from the professor, or rather, precisely because of his criticism and his demand for total devotion to his art, he was able to play the perfect solo ONLY FOR HIMSELF, reaching the "ideal," and love jazz again.

I would never choose another life, no regrets. Even though I'm tired of the constant stream of articles from other experts in my field that I can't keep up with. The alternative is no work, no money to live on, no energy for my own projects, and the thought that it will only get worse. But then again, that's my own perspective. I think being totally convinced of a future where I'm just fucked is bad. I think I still have something to show to myself. Well, at least I hope. I can always kill myself in case I totally fucked up. The only question is when? As people say to see is to believe.

It's so funny because my old art teacher in hs told us that the more depressed someone is, the more creative they get. it's such a dumb take but funny how that didn't apply to me when i needed it the most.

I would rather listen David Lynch on this topic than some shitty old art teacher who I'm pretty sure isn't even fucking close to Terence Fletcher, ahahah.

 

[freycinetia]

I've been drawing for a long time and made a decent living as a freelance illustrator for a few years. Then I fell into a deep depression roughly 3 years ago that I haven't been able to get out of. It pretty much wrecked all my motivation to draw. I hardly draw these days... I don't draw for weeks to months at a time. I think the last time I drew anything was sometime in July for Artfight, and even Artfight was a struggle because I think the part of my brain in charge of creative composition has completely atrophied.

Honestly? I just think I need something to kick my ass into gear. Maybe a fandom or piece of media that inspires me enough to pick up the stylus again. The problem though is that the profound anhedonia my depression's left me with makes that impossibly difficult. Hard to be inspired when nothing really brings me joy.

It doesn't help that seeing such young artists online also gives me an insane case of impostor syndrome. Terrible mindset, I know. Social media is a net negative for me and my creative brain overall, but even after years of not posting regularly I'm still addicted to the dopamine hit of having my work recognized by strangers on the internet. I need a shift in mindset for sure, but that's been difficult on top of my lack of motivation.

All in all, I really relate to your struggles :( I'm sorry I couldn't give any advice.