Hi. i don't know where else to talk about this without having to explain too much things and get judged too much..?
i have this friend i've only known since may (like 3 months). we chat a lot. i usually reply fast to casual smth if i'm in a good mood, but if i don't know how to answer i just ignore it. i also type kinda? efficiently compared to my friends (i type like 'yay!!' or 'oh no, that sucks' rather than 'YIPPPEEEE OKAYYY' or 'oh no wtffff :(((( that really sucks')
so, he has bpd (which is fine, i have mdd). they chat me constantly, and if i take an hour to reply he gets visibly upset. but when i ask, they say nothing's wrong. i'm autistic, so getting these 'hints' is just.. really hard for me.
i've been doing really really bad lately. can't eat, can't get out of bed, just struggling a lot. i always inform my friends when i'm not in the mood to do anything. they say "i don't wanna pressure you!" but then he gets upset on socials. he'll say stuff to me like "now you doesnt sound excited anymore" or "oh, i'll kill myself, i'm so lonely". i usually just brush it off.
today, i went to the doctor and was doing awful (missed my bus 3 times, hit a pole, lost 3 rings, lost keychains). i made it VERY crystal clear i couldn't socialize right now. i told them at least 5 times just to set my boundaries. i went to a cafe after to ground myself and updated him when asked, but he just kinda invited himself. i had to force myself to accommodate them. when i didn't give the expected reaction, he said "oh, sorry. i guess no one wants to be with me" and called the day underwhelming afterwards. they also mentioned i'm one of his 3 possible FP(?) right now. i genuinely can't even handle myself, let alone react to that. all we did was sit in a cafe and it's the most tired i've been in a while.
he knows i have depression, yet they still drop "if you don't do x with me i'll just kms. joking!" or "oh youre out? lets hangout! no? hummmm.... okay...." it really pressures me. this is my first time befriending someone with bpd, so maybe i'm uneducated and these are just clear symptoms. but i'm just so overwhelmed and clueless. everything online is about how to support someone with bpd when you're healthy, which i'm definitely not. i feel like i already did the common thing to do as well : communicate. when i'm unhappy about smth i'd def mention about it. most of the time, at least.
i'd be happy if there's any advice about this.. thank you
I have a long response but I think it will prove very helpful for you. I will give a long explanation of BPD to start and then give you a solution at the bottom so you do not need to travel to yap city before seeing what I think is a good way to handle this.
THE EXPLANATION: First, I am very sorry you have to deal with that on top of depression. I think I can give some advice on this because I have severe, severe BPD along with a laundry list of other things that certainly do not help my symptoms. Although your friend says he has BPD, you cannot exactly ask for a doctor's note to prove it! (haha) You probably have to take their word for it, but I can say firsthand that that is textbook BPD behavior. It took years of intense DBT therapy in a full-time outpatient program to truly become self-aware of the behaviors and thoughts my disorder can cause. An issue with BPD is that you are neurologically pre-wired by your childhood and teenage environment to have extremely painful emotions. Much of this is caused by frequent abandonment and abuse from family, classmates, etc. This causes an extreme fear of abandonment and a major distortion in how your perceive others view of you. For instance, when I see someone with a neutral expression, a neutral text, or a neutral, totally normal reaction to a story or something that I tell them, I view it as them hating me, or having some animus towards me. If I do not hear a reply from someone immediately, I used to feel that they wanted to cut me out and abandon me. Sadly this causes very manipulative behaviors that are defense mechanisms to try and get people to not leave you. I have faced many betrayals, abandonment, and ghosting from years long close friends for their own selfish and objectively irrational reasons. But I have also driven some others away because of my lack of awareness and accountability for my symptoms. People with BPD tend to have little awareness of how others perceive or are affected by their words and actions.
Not to excuse your friend's behavior in any way, but it truly is a painful and distressing condition. My therapist, a BPD expert, likened the pain of sadness and anger from say, getting dumped by a BF/GF of 3 months, to being lit on fire. I cannot speak for your friend, but people with BPD often subconsciously manipulate others as a defense mechanism to keep people around. Since most people with BPD were indeed victims of cruelty and abandonment during their upbringing and much of their young adulthood, they tend to see that as an irreversible trend when in reality it is a self-fulfilling prophecy where their own developed condition drives people away. It is truly tragic and worthy of empathy and understanding.. BUT the type of behavior from your friend is truly inexcusable because I see it as him manipulating your own emotional distress and weaknesses so that you pay full attention to him. Even before being treated with BPD, I never would use such tactics to manipulate friends.
The caveat is that without treatment, many sufferers of BPD equate the victimhood that led to developing BPD to not having any fault for their actions even if they are not aware of them. I used to regularly disclose to my friends my suicidal thoughts and emotional pain through intense language without carefully checking in with them on their personal boundaries. I have developed lasting friendships that way. But the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to discuss or disclose with your friends and family CAN AND WILL CHANGE. The fact that your friend is not checking in with you on these things is not great. Your friend may or may not be suicidal, but saying they want to kill themselves in this manner regardless of whether it is supposed to convey emotional pain or a legitimate suicidal sentiment is unacceptable unless they are properly able to self-regulate and respect your boundaries. If you want to be someone for them to vent to or talk to, that is great. But your friend is not venting. They are using a common BPD manipulation tactic.
But so I do not seem like I am demonizing your friend, I will note that just because someone with BPD does bad and even terrible things does NOT mean they are innately a bad person, but their refusal to listen to others and seek treatment for their condition does shed light on their character. In my opinion, they seem to know exactly what they are doing. In my case I was totally unaware at first, but to be honest I do think that your friend is.
THE SOLUTION: If you think the friendship is beneficial and worth keeping, I would talk to your friend and gently tell them that you are in a very rough place mentally, that you truly care about them and want to be there for them but that, for the time being, you would really appreciate it if they could refrain from the strong language and discussion of suicide. I think a good way to set boundaries with someone with BPD is to tell them that you care about them and they reason you would like if they talked to an expert about their feelings instead of you is BECAUSE they make you worry BECAUSE you care about them. You can tell them that at some point, you may be better able to talk about more sensitive stuff like this but for the time being it really does upset you. Just say that you have been having some self-isolation issues and that it has been hard to gather the energy to be around people. If you communicate that you really do value their friendship and company and that it is not their fault you have been unresponsive and busy they should respond nicely from the start. If this type of conversation does not result in a change of their behavior, an apology, and an expression of concern for your feelings then they (A) have BPD and are not the greatest person, (B) they do not have BPD and are a genuinely bad person who may knowingly be manipulating you for attention and self-vaildation, or (C) they have severe, severe BPD and have not yet become aware of how it influences their actions.
If they are telling you they have BPD (especially if they say it often or make the diagnosis part of their personality), they should be aware of their actions. I would proceed with caution and please do not hesitate to follow up with me if you want some pointers. I feel that I have been able to have effective relationships because I have become aware of how to navigate this and maintain self-awareness. This also hit me hard because I did have a very close friend who ghosted me out of nowhere last week for genuinely selfish reasons and without having the decency to tell me. I am in an all time low point in my life and feel that hopelessness and desire to self-isolate that you have so I wanted to try to give advice that I know would work for me as someone with BPD.
If you do choose to end the friendship, I do think that ghosting is a very bad thing and does make BPD way worse. I also think that our current society has normalized ghosting and a lack of respect towards others, which I think is incredibly damaging to both parties involved. Unless they are threatening you or genuinely making you scared for yourself I would try to tell them you would like to have some space. If they are an immediate threat to themselves I would probably put this conversation off until they are more stable (but I also am overly empathetic so take that with a whole crate of salt). Ghosting is traumatizing for people with BPD and is likely why they seem to get upset when you are not replying to them. My only boomer-ish opinion is that as humans I do believe we owe each other a certain level of decency and respect, and ghosting is very de-humanizing for the ghostee and can instill a lack of self-responsibility and social cowardice in the ghoster. I am Gen Z so if it is of any consolation it am at least SOMEWHAT in touch, haha! Once again, super sorry you have to deal with this. And sorry for taking y'all to yap city - more detail is probably better than less and I type quickly:)
