nitrogenous
Just wanna break free of all suffering
- Dec 26, 2025
- 288
I feel like I'm slowly losing the ability to keep myself safe. I can't trust myself anymore, as if my body and soul would just betray me any given second. Everything keeps on getting worse and worse and I'm losing the patience and will to keep on fighting.
I was very close to catching the bus using SN just earlier, but I got paranoid that I would fail the attempt, especially given I don't have the full meds as per protocol (for now). I ended up under the emergency examination authority again and I'm back in the emergency department, but I know they won't do anything. If any, the mental health team really hates me and kept on unintentionally provoking me to end my life if I really am suicidal.
Another reason why it's hard for me to commit is I keep on thinking what if I fail? I need to know that I can still ctb in the future if I fail and given the current uncertain situation with DSL's shipping, I kept on thinking how I would realistically be able to obtain SN again if I fail…
I'm so tired of everything, there's no such thing as hope. Every hope that I have had have all been false hopes… What did I do to deserve all this pain and suffering?
I was very close to catching the bus using SN just earlier, but I got paranoid that I would fail the attempt, especially given I don't have the full meds as per protocol (for now). I ended up under the emergency examination authority again and I'm back in the emergency department, but I know they won't do anything. If any, the mental health team really hates me and kept on unintentionally provoking me to end my life if I really am suicidal.
Another reason why it's hard for me to commit is I keep on thinking what if I fail? I need to know that I can still ctb in the future if I fail and given the current uncertain situation with DSL's shipping, I kept on thinking how I would realistically be able to obtain SN again if I fail…
I'm so tired of everything, there's no such thing as hope. Every hope that I have had have all been false hopes… What did I do to deserve all this pain and suffering?
