Venting Loading a shitton of work unto myself actually worked, kinda. Now that it's gone, I am back.

[morina]

Doing way more than I should for uni actually made me less suicidal, temporarily, since I had other more immediate things to do and worry about, especially after the midpoint of the semester. Now holidays started. I am back again to feeling all the suicidality inside me that I have always felt, almost as far back as I can remember. I am back to thinking about my abuser 24/7, and there is no way of keeping my distance from him. I am back to lamenting the fact that I will never have friends or a social life, all while an acquaintance who talked to me about the same problem a little time ago now found their circle of friends to be comfortable around. I will never have that. Because I will never be able to have hobbies making me interesting to other, I don't even know what passion feels like. And added on top of all that, I live in a body I hate, of a gender not fitting me, in a world whose very basic moral principles are so distant from mine, making me constantly worry about if I am even on the right side detesting the opinion of the vast majority of humans, alienating me even of my own species. What even am I? There is no worth living a life where work (which I don't even like and just do because of an obsession with proofing myself) is the only thing keeping me from ctb. Even while writing this, the only thing I can do is pathetically cry. "But you shan't wallow in self-pity!", say people who have the things I want, the things I need. It's easy admonishing others when you know what happiness feels like. I want to die so much, but obtaining SN somewhat safely (as in, police won't arrive at my doorstep and put me into grippy socks jail) seemingly became impossible at about the time I registered here from what I read? And I am too scared to attempt any other way. So, anyway, I love hating my life.

 

[mangoroe]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through right now!! Yeah it's super frustrating when people that have all the things that you need and want, it really does make their attempts to console you sound a bit less genuine sometimes when you know that they haven't or won't ever go through what you're feeling at the moment.

I can also relate to being busy keeping your mind off suicidal matters—I don't have a job yet but I did go around volunteering a lot while still going to school, and most of the time me doing these hours made me not think of much at all or I'd be too tired to even do anything by the end of the day, until the holidays and weekends roll around that is.

I really hope your abuser just disappears from your life forever soon though, that seems horrible to deal with in all honesty. Hope you get to be happier or even at peace in the future!

 

[morina]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through right now!! Yeah it's super frustrating when people that have all the things that you need and want, it really does make their attempts to console you sound a bit less genuine sometimes when you know that they haven't or won't ever go through what you're feeling at the moment.

I can also relate to being busy keeping your mind off suicidal matters—I don't have a job yet but I did go around volunteering a lot while still going to school, and most of the time me doing these hours made me not think of much at all or I'd be too tired to even do anything by the end of the day, until the holidays and weekends roll around that is.

I really hope your abuser just disappears from your life forever soon though, that seems horrible to deal with in all honesty. Hope you get to be happier or even at peace in the future!

Thank you for your kind words! I see you are new here. I read through your other posts. It's sad when nice and compassionate people end up here. Hope you find peace and happiness. I won't, though; I have been like this since I was a child and should be long dead.

 

[witchcraft]

Doing way more than I should for uni actually made me less suicidal, temporarily, since I had other more immediate things to do and worry about, especially after the midpoint of the semester. Now holidays started. I am back again to feeling all the suicidality inside me that I have always felt, almost as far back as I can remember. I am back to thinking about my abuser 24/7, and there is no way of keeping my distance from him. I am back to lamenting the fact that I will never have friends or a social life, all while an acquaintance who talked to me about the same problem a little time ago now found their circle of friends to be comfortable around. I will never have that. Because I will never be able to have hobbies making me interesting to other, I don't even know what passion feels like. And added on top of all that, I live in a body I hate, of a gender not fitting me, in a world whose very basic moral principles are so distant from mine, making me constantly worry about if I am even on the right side detesting the opinion of the vast majority of humans, alienating me even of my own species. What even am I? There is no worth living a life where work (which I don't even like and just do because of an obsession with proofing myself) is the only thing keeping me from ctb. Even while writing this, the only thing I can do is pathetically cry. "But you shan't wallow in self-pity!", say people who have the things I want, the things I need. It's easy admonishing others when you know what happiness feels like. I want to die so much, but obtaining SN somewhat safely (as in, police won't arrive at my doorstep and put me into grippy socks jail) seemingly became impossible at about the time I registered here from what I read? And I am too scared to attempt any other way. So, anyway, I love hating my life.

Wow can I relate!

I graduated from university several years ago now (yikes...), but during that time I was actually very happy.

Of course, I understand everyone's experience with university is different. For example: I was lucky to have a few good friends throughout those years. And I attended during COVID which was a good time for someone like me who wasn't interested in the party / bar scene, football games, etc.

I was away from my parents. Schoolwork kept me busy and I felt like I had a purpose, like I might finally be working toward something worthwhile that would free me from misery.

Well, I'm right back where I started and feel worse than ever, so I guess everything balances out in the end. I hate my degree, and I've applied to countless entry level jobs and evidently it's a single worthless piece of $50k toilet paper.

My hobbies aren't all that interesting and I generally don't like talking about them. I make mediocre YouTube videos, livestream, and write fiction—though I haven't done that last one in a while, too burned out and drained and lacking in confidence. Sometimes it is enough to have hobbies that are more like mutual interests; this can be a challenge, however, if you tend to have more niche interests. I'm usually able to connect with a fair number of people through gaming and anime.

I have to hope that I can save money to buy a shotgun. I can't really think of another way, all of these other methods seem so convoluted by comparison.