Living with an eating disorder is hell

[halcyon]

I am so fucking tired. Genuinely. I can't look in the mirror without hating myself. I pick out all the fat places I see and ridicule myself for it, for hours on end. I want to be able to enjoy food and not think of myself as a fucking fatass all the time. I'm so tired. I just want to CTB already, and be done with all this. I'm so tired. So so so tired.

I just - I want my girlfriend here. I want a gun. I want to be able to blow my fucking head off, so that it'll all be over.

 

[lotus11]

Honey, I feel you. I have done more than 10 years with and ed now...I'm beyond exhausted.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I'm sorry you're struggling with that. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like, but I wish it was something you didn't have to endure.

 

[catfletcher]

The thing I hate so much is that I work hard to find some kind of recovery and really think it's ok and then BANG I am back in another relapse.

I first experienced ED in 2001.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and you are suffering so much, living really can be painful. I wish you well.

 

[Hercules]

I am sorry that you are suffering. I struggled with an ED for years when I was younger. I know how tough it is, and how easy it is to relapse. I don't know your situation, but maybe you could try therapy with a therapist who specializes in EDS, or join a support group for people who suffers from ED. I found it helpful to talk to people who are in a similar situation and understand what I was going through.

 

[lofticries]

Although my eating disorder isn't as bad as it once was it does hinder my thoughts when I'm actually eating and pretty much life in general. I always have to know the amount of calories something is before I eat and guilt is always followed. And before my current predicament(suffering with gerd acid reflux atm) I was either eating too little or too much(so a cycle of binging and restricting). As of now I'm slim(boney to some) but still want to lose 10 more pounds. But if I'm being honest with myself I'd like to lose 30 instead even though that would no doubt put me in the hospital. The thing is I'm not doing it to appeal to anyone. I just want to feel accomplished and disciplined in something.