i recently decided to try to live at least until Easter. and hopefully longer
to summarize my story: not long before i found this site (found it from the tanta video), i went through a lot of stressful bs during a major change in my life that pushed me over the edge and led me to relapse on drugs & sh and plan a suicide attempt, breaking a lot of promises i had made. along with the stress, i got retraumatized by a family member, which was the breaking point for me. i also felt so guilty over so many things that i felt like everyone would be better without me. i later stopped feeling any guilt or shame, but i still wanted to ctb bc existence felt so unbearable and i could barely function due to mental illness & disability
hadnt gotten much of a break even after the traumatizing circumstances passed, and then for the past couple weeks i couldnt get my hrt from the pharmacy. i was so close to going thru with my suicide attempt bc of that, had everything planned out. but i was able to get some hrt elsewhere to hold me over, and now i have my actual prescriptions again
im more settled in a safe living situation and have what i need now. ive also found meaning and purpose in exploring my spirituality and religion, which is motivating me to keep living so i can continue exploring all that. im even taking a break from all drugs as a personal committment during Lent, and its been going surprisingly well so far. i thought i needed drugs to function, but i guess not. im actually happy. im not 'cured' or anything, im still mentally ill and suicidal, but ive been able to tolerate existing lately. more than that even, ive been enjoying existing? maybe ive just been manic, but im so happy and euphoric and feel like i can do anything. its almost like the divine has granted me the ability to function and fulfill my purpose in life. so why not live and stick around for the people i love?
i dont feel obligated to live, i wont feel guilty if i flip to wanting to kms again (which will almost certainly happen, i flip between extremes a lot bc of bipolar & bpd + being plural). but rn i want to live for the time being. i especially want to stay in my girlfriend's life, and now i feel like i actually can
to summarize my story: not long before i found this site (found it from the tanta video), i went through a lot of stressful bs during a major change in my life that pushed me over the edge and led me to relapse on drugs & sh and plan a suicide attempt, breaking a lot of promises i had made. along with the stress, i got retraumatized by a family member, which was the breaking point for me. i also felt so guilty over so many things that i felt like everyone would be better without me. i later stopped feeling any guilt or shame, but i still wanted to ctb bc existence felt so unbearable and i could barely function due to mental illness & disability
hadnt gotten much of a break even after the traumatizing circumstances passed, and then for the past couple weeks i couldnt get my hrt from the pharmacy. i was so close to going thru with my suicide attempt bc of that, had everything planned out. but i was able to get some hrt elsewhere to hold me over, and now i have my actual prescriptions again
im more settled in a safe living situation and have what i need now. ive also found meaning and purpose in exploring my spirituality and religion, which is motivating me to keep living so i can continue exploring all that. im even taking a break from all drugs as a personal committment during Lent, and its been going surprisingly well so far. i thought i needed drugs to function, but i guess not. im actually happy. im not 'cured' or anything, im still mentally ill and suicidal, but ive been able to tolerate existing lately. more than that even, ive been enjoying existing? maybe ive just been manic, but im so happy and euphoric and feel like i can do anything. its almost like the divine has granted me the ability to function and fulfill my purpose in life. so why not live and stick around for the people i love?
i dont feel obligated to live, i wont feel guilty if i flip to wanting to kms again (which will almost certainly happen, i flip between extremes a lot bc of bipolar & bpd + being plural). but rn i want to live for the time being. i especially want to stay in my girlfriend's life, and now i feel like i actually can
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