Venting Living for someone is hard

[chasingfireflies]

I'm living for my boyfriend. I've only ever talked with him about it a few times. Told him I'm passively suicidal, in that I have no intent but the desire is strong. Its become so much more appealing after I became an atheist. There being no afterlife, just a void, is comforting in the weirdest way. I know there would be no pain in my heart while I catch my bus. The only pain I feel is from having to stay alive. Its all for him, the sweetest man in my life. I'm living for him and its so hard. There's so much problems in my life that will never go away. I want to leave so badly, but my sweet bf, he doesn't deserve this pain. For now I'm holding on, allowing myself to suffer so he doesn't have to. I worry one day I won't be able to hold on anymore, given how often I fantasize about carrying out my plan and reaching everlasting tranquility in nothingness. I've never wanted anything more. One day I'll finally find that place, whether its by my own hands or nature's work. Till then I live for my sweetheart.

 

[Winry]

I'm in the same boat as you, plus I have birds and I can't leave my little bird friends behind either

 

[Zikelir]

Just posted about this 20min ago, i also need a few reasons to keep going so my girlfriend doesn't suffer. She doesn't deserve any pain.

I feel you.

 

[grungy自殺]

I'll likely feel the same way regardless if i have a partner or not.

It would not have to do with the fact that i wasn't able to fix my problems, but rather i was already convinced by the fact that i wasn't to be here in this world

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm doing the same for my Dad. It's definitely exhausting though. I feel more like I'm on the edge of the precipice because, he's that much older. I know I should really make the effort to hold on but, it's already been so long. I've had ideation since I was 10- so- 35 years of this shit, to varying degrees. It's like we sacrifice our peace for theirs.

 

[Average Joe]

Losing someone to suicide is incredibly painful, I can see both sides of the coin now and they both fucking suck.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I'm living for my family. I just couldn't bring myself to ctb while they're still around.
I've made plans to kill myself in August but I need something to distort my mind and forget about my family somehow.

 

[ElTopo]

I'm living for my boyfriend. I've only ever talked with him about it a few times. Told him I'm passively suicidal, in that I have no intent but the desire is strong. Its become so much more appealing after I became an atheist. There being no afterlife, just a void, is comforting in the weirdest way. I know there would be no pain in my heart while I catch my bus. The only pain I feel is from having to stay alive. Its all for him, the sweetest man in my life. I'm living for him and its so hard. There's so much problems in my life that will never go away. I want to leave so badly, but my sweet bf, he doesn't deserve this pain. For now I'm holding on, allowing myself to suffer so he doesn't have to. I worry one day I won't be able to hold on anymore, given how often I fantasize about carrying out my plan and reaching everlasting tranquility in nothingness. I've never wanted anything more. One day I'll finally find that place, whether its by my own hands or nature's work. Till then I live for my sweetheart.

He's very lucky to have someone so dedicated and kind.
I don't like my family but I still feel guilty for them about ctbing. I'm waiting to do it so they can collect my life insurance.

 

[diopdawe]

I totally understand. I keep on living for my daughter. But I wonder how long can I keep going...

 

[chasingfireflies]

I'm in the same boat as you, plus I have birds and I can't leave my little bird friends behind either

Knowing you would leave your pets behind is so heartbreaking, I know the feeling. I have a cat but he lives with my immediate family so they would care for him if I left. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, your birds and loved ones are very lucky that you've made a huge sacrifice for them. Hugs

I'm doing the same for my Dad. It's definitely exhausting though. I feel more like I'm on the edge of the precipice because, he's that much older. I know I should really make the effort to hold on but, it's already been so long. I've had ideation since I was 10- so- 35 years of this shit, to varying degrees. It's like we sacrifice our peace for theirs.

I'm so sorry bud. You're so eager to find your peace but you prioritize your dad's happiness over yours. And to live like this for 35 years is unimaginable. I hope you can find peace one day, in whatever form it comes in.

Losing someone to suicide is incredibly painful, I can see both sides of the coin now and they both fucking suck.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I'm living for my family. I just couldn't bring myself to ctb while they're still around.
I've made plans to kill myself in August but I need something to distort my mind and forget about my family somehow.

I'm so sorry friend. That's gotta be such a draining way to live. Isolating and emotionally distancing myself from my immediate family has helped me come to terms with leaving them, maybe it will help you too. Hugs

He's very lucky to have someone so dedicated and kind.

You just made my day! Thank you so much

I don't like my family but I still feel guilty for them about ctbing. I'm waiting to do it so they can collect my life insurance.

Guilt is such a difficult feeling, especially when it relates to something you are so eager to do. I'm sorry. The way I see it, you didn't choose to be alive, yet you're here and in pain. I wish we at least had a choice to leave, guilt-free.

I totally understand. I keep on living for my daughter. But I wonder how long can I keep going...

I can imagine how much harder it is to be a parent with ideation. I hope you can finally find peace somehow, you're incredibly deserving of it given all the sacrifices you made for your child. I wish you the best