Venting list of situations where if they happened id end it

[mousebot]

i always had this specific list in my head of situations where if they ever happened id finally end it and wouldnt have any other choice. Most revolve around people finding out really private things about me, getting really ill chronically, or people finally knowing all my old lies that i dug myself into. now you can guess what happened. and i have no one to blame but myself. It feels worse than i ever imagined though. They always say "the dread is worse than when it actually happens" nah. Im no longer loved, at least not like before, and i dont want to be loved anymore, i want to turn to dust alone like i deserve. I truly deeply want to remove myself from everything.

Ive always just been an observer, but at least I wanted my own life, now i dont care. I dont want or deserve anything
To note ive always wanted to die because of the situation im in. But now i really really dont see any way out for me and i dont want one. I used to daydream about getting out but i want to throw myself in the trash rn

 

[FuneralCry]

I have a list of situations too. I think in my case, I will be suicidal no matter what and nothing will make me want to live, but there are certain things that could happen that would push me over the edge and give me the desperation needed to exit this world. I'm sorry you are suffering, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.