Venting life's better than ever, still need to ctb

[hexerei]

I've basically always wanted to ctb, it's weird. Literally when I found out what the word was, and what it conveyed, I wanted it. It's only been recently that I've been trying to find a way out of that feeling, I would say more than three quarters of my life was spent wanting to kill myself and not feeling bad about it. I've been a little worried about that recently. I've tried basically everything to make me not want to do it; years of counseling, different medications, recreational substances, changed my life and viewpoint around multiple times, and it just doesn't matter. My family is very crunchy and have talked me out of every single medication I've taken, and then used the withdrawals as proof that they were bad for me. If they know I'm taking something, it becomes the focal point of every discussion. If I feel just a little off, it's the meds. If I let myself down, it's the meds. If I feel weird, it's the meds. Instead it was all because I'm just not busy enough.

I went out and fixed that too, right? I have a hobby now, I go out and see people on the weekends, I work 40 hours a week. I have a job that more than sustains me in a field that's technically something I trained for, with bosses that care and I could stay there for twenty odd years and be taken care of.

But I still wanna do it!!

Any success just serves to help make sure that when it inevitably happens, it's better taken care of. I have hopes for paying for my funeral and arranging things to be alright when I die. Nothing else really matters to me. It makes me sad knowing that everything is still like this even when I get things figured out. I knew, intuitively, that it wouldn't just end if I started making a little more money, but it still kind of stings. I've spent years thinking the root of all of this is just hating myself for being a burden, and now I'm not and it's still this bad.

 

[areagarden]

Absolutely relate to this. Sucks because i thought things getting better would change things. Nope.

 

[alivebutnotliving]

i'm sorry you have to experience that loss of hope. not to rant under ur post but maybe you relate- the worst part is i can't even confide in those close to me because it'll weigh on them too. suicide is too taboo. idek if it's better they know my mindset before i ctb because it would distress them more than necessary. theres nothing anyone can do about it so what's the point? it would be nice to talk abt my headspace with someone close to me tho. this forum comes pretty close

 

[PanaxMan]

I've basically always wanted to ctb, it's weird. Literally when I found out what the word was, and what it conveyed, I wanted it. It's only been recently that I've been trying to find a way out of that feeling, I would say more than three quarters of my life was spent wanting to kill myself and not feeling bad about it. I've been a little worried about that recently. I've tried basically everything to make me not want to do it; years of counseling, different medications, recreational substances, changed my life and viewpoint around multiple times, and it just doesn't matter. My family is very crunchy and have talked me out of every single medication I've taken, and then used the withdrawals as proof that they were bad for me. If they know I'm taking something, it becomes the focal point of every discussion. If I feel just a little off, it's the meds. If I let myself down, it's the meds. If I feel weird, it's the meds. Instead it was all because I'm just not busy enough.

I went out and fixed that too, right? I have a hobby now, I go out and see people on the weekends, I work 40 hours a week. I have a job that more than sustains me in a field that's technically something I trained for, with bosses that care and I could stay there for twenty odd years and be taken care of.

But I still wanna do it!!

Any success just serves to help make sure that when it inevitably happens, it's better taken care of. I have hopes for paying for my funeral and arranging things to be alright when I die. Nothing else really matters to me. It makes me sad knowing that everything is still like this even when I get things figured out. I knew, intuitively, that it wouldn't just end if I started making a little more money, but it still kind of stings. I've spent years thinking the root of all of this is just hating myself for being a burden, and now I'm not and it's still this bad.

This was basically a near clone of myself until all the regrets poured in. Now ill be a homeless neet with infinitely more freedom and happiness of a hermit. It's weird how freeing it feels to disconnect from responsibilities. It could be a solution or not just putting a drop into the ocean of thoughts

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to this a great deal. To an extent, I've got what I thought I most wanted in life. (A creative job.) But, the sense of fulfilment has diminished enormously. I still fear losing what I have and, I don't want anything else.

I suppose in my head- it proves to me that nothing will be enough to make this life ok. That I was right all along.

I wonder if one of the factors though- is that our ideation started in early childhood. I suspect- growing up with these thoughts, they have become ingrained and almost a part of who we are. Like that amazing line in 'The Matrix': 'Like a splinter in your mind.' I tend to think- once they are there and established, they stay there to return to.

Do you think maybe you have positive associations with suicide? Passive ideation at least. For me- I do. I tend to link ideas of rest, peace, an end to suffering with it. To that end- I've never actually wanted to get rid of my thoughts. They were like the exit door when the building is on fire.

 

[hexerei]

I relate to this a great deal. To an extent, I've got what I thought I most wanted in life. (A creative job.) But, the sense of fulfilment has diminished enormously. I still fear losing what I have and, I don't want anything else.

I suppose in my head- it proves to me that nothing will be enough to make this life ok. That I was right all along.

I wonder if one of the factors though- is that our ideation started in early childhood. I suspect- growing up with these thoughts, they have become ingrained and almost a part of who we are. Like that amazing line in 'The Matrix': 'Like a splinter in your mind.' I tend to think- once they are there and established, they stay there to return to.

Do you think maybe you have positive associations with suicide? Passive ideation at least. For me- I do. I tend to link ideas of rest, peace, an end to suffering with it. To that end- I've never actually wanted to get rid of my thoughts. They were like the exit door when the building is on fire.

Not really positive associations, I don't think. When I first learned about suicide, it was from a game I rented from Hollywood Video in the the third grade. Some kind of arena shooter fps, which had 'suicide' as a main menu option. At any point in time, you could eliminate yourself and respawn. What I internalized from that is that if I had made a gross mistake, the only way out was to kill myself. I remember I got in trouble at home and my parents were confused when I said I was going to 'suh-kyood' myself. It took them a little bit to find out what I was actually saying.

From that point on, I fantasized about killing myself as a punishment for failure. I was so happy thinking about the idea of ending my life over failing classes in fifth grade. It took until middle school for me to think of suicide or self-injury as a way to obtain peace; I would throw myself down the stairs in an effort to injure or kill myself so I would no longer have to be near a bunch of people that took every possible opportunity to humiliate me. Nothing was ever done about this except I was threatened to keep quiet about it.

 

[meowzers3276]

honestly, when things are great, you realize the suffering comes from within. then, you want to extinguish yourself even more than before... when it should be opposite

 

[Abacab]

Sounds like your family is being a hindrance and that probably doesn't help your recovery. Do you have the means to live on your own?

 

[hexerei]

Sounds like your family is being a hindrance and that probably doesn't help your recovery. Do you have the means to live on your own?

i do live on my own; i am just in frequent contact with them, they always needle me for more information, and even if it's just to have a conversation beyond 'everything's good : ) goodbye!' i give it. i've tried lying, but i've found myself to be quite bad at it. they are lovely people, just that they're really good at pushing buttons and baby me to the point of frustration. talking about suicide and any negative thoughts is a complete non-starter for them. any failure on my part is interpreted as a failure to raise me and thus an indictment against them as parents. i've tried to reach out to them about this over the years because they get so upset when i fall apart, but every time i try to explain it it just becomes 'do you know how shitty that makes me feel as a mother?', and so on.

it's an entirely self-created problem. every other kid they raised holds them at arms length. i don't, and since i'm the last one it gets really bad if i start dodging them. so i just smile and nod and let them take over my weekends and holidays, and if they find my meds and don't like it, i stop taking it when i give up fighting for it, since it's not like i feel great on meds either. if i can't get a haircut because they took me away from my car for the one day i can get one a week, then i just laugh along with them when they point out how messy my hair is. i've given up and basically my only hope is that they actually take action on their belief that democrats in my state are going to send taxypayers into concentration camps and move to tennessee.