Venting life of lies

[annique]

i was made believe i would find happiness once i grew older; i was made believe that degree i'm taking in college is what i've always dreamed of; i thought i'd socialize like a normal human being later in life; i thought i'd find meaning in the fucking aweful daily grind; i thought i was so fucked up in the head because my brain was missing some gears, i tried to fix that by taking plenty of medicines throughout my life and that hasn't fixed shit

i don't even know why i wrote all of this, i'm so demotivated; it is like i'm talking to myself while i'm typing this. week after week; weaker, weaker and weaker, i'm growing enough courage to leave this horrific world next month​

 

[mugiusagi]

The world is really a mess, it really is.
To be honest I don't blame you for feeling this dread of existing.
I used to believe to that live would be better as I got older too, sometimes I could not even get out of bed for half a day just knowing that the day would be the same and the pain wouldn't go away.
Always hear that things will get better but with all the uncertainty it is difficult to trust, and yet, please do not lose hope yet.

 

[Unlucked]

At some point, hope cannot be sustained. You could do everything right, have a belief system, a solid career, a circle of close associates. And you could still find yourself without hope.

 

[lessonlearned]

this is what im thinking about rn. im sry to hear that ur feeling like this i hope u find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that this world really is so horrific. To me, life is also so cruel and disappointing and it is sad how so many of us have to endure so much suffering. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[Django]

I couldn't agree more. I wish there was a reset button on humanity

 

[hellispink]

I always thought there was something wrong with me and perphaps I could fix it. Then I realized life itself and society was rotten and unfixabe. I lost all hope. There is no going back for me, I don't belong to this existence.

 

[annique]

one has to be completely mad to want to be part of such reality, maybe we are not the crazy ones after all

The world is really a mess, it really is.
To be honest I don't blame you for feeling this dread of existing.
I used to believe to that live would be better as I got older too, sometimes I could not even get out of bed for half a day just knowing that the day would be the same and the pain wouldn't go away.
Always hear that things will get better but with all the uncertainty it is difficult to trust, and yet, please do not lose hope yet.

i think i've got no hope left, what keeps me here is my survival instinct

 

[deformedface]

it is not fair. some of us really lost in this life and this life is so long. rich vs poor attractive vs unattractive utterly terrible

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I suffered from my own delusions. As if life were created for my benefit and amusement. I thought I was special and somehow destined for success. I had no idea how much harder other people were working and how much talent they had. Once the delusion popped I realized how long I have been dating back to childhood. I have been gaslighting myself for decades.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

i was made believe i would find happiness once i grew older; i was made believe that degree i'm taking in college is what i've always dreamed of; i thought i'd socialize like a normal human being later in life; i thought i'd find meaning in the fucking aweful daily grind; i thought i was so fucked up in the head because my brain was missing some gears, i tried to fix that by taking plenty of medicines throughout my life and that hasn't fixed shit

i don't even know why i wrote all of this, i'm so demotivated; it is like i'm talking to myself while i'm typing this. week after week; weaker, weaker and weaker, i'm growing enough courage to leave this horrific world next month​

this could be an epiphany, to drive you to change how you live - you now know you can't trust the system and the bullshit it feeds you, you have to trust yourself - you now know that the degree prospectus for your local college is not where happiness lies in relation to what you do all day, every day; the daily grind - you know anything that resembles a 'daily grind' will make you unhappy - you know pharmaceuticals are bullshit and won't fix things - you could use this as a motivator to find what you really want to do with your life, your every day, and how you want to look after your health, as opposed to pharmaceutical companies telling you how to manage your health, that just so happens to make them lots of money - maybe your brain was never missing any gears, maybe it's the system that's the problem - what do you REALLY want to do? The worst advice anyone ever gives is 1) don't put all your eggs in one basket (if you love something, put all your eggs in that basket, what do you have to lose if you're this unhappy) and 2) worry about getting a good pension (you may never see your pension, and if you follow what you love, that's the most likely way to be successful and not even need one, because you have better alternatives, like a 2nd property you rent out, or a business you pay someone to run for you) - Fuck the system, follow your instincts - that's what I would tell my younger self if I could go back

 

[annique]

I suffered from my own delusions. As if life were created for my benefit and amusement. I thought I was special and somehow destined for success. I had no idea how much harder other people were working and how much talent they had. Once the delusion popped I realized how long I have been dating back to childhood. I have been gaslighting myself for decades.

i think no one knows better how to delude ourselves other than our very selves, we can be our own worst enemies i guess, well i've been deluding myself quite well these past years

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

Yep. I feel this all to well

 

[ojinzo]

i was made believe i would find happiness once i grew older; i was made believe that degree i'm taking in college is what i've always dreamed of; i thought i'd socialize like a normal human being later in life; i thought i'd find meaning in the fucking aweful daily grind; i thought i was so fucked up in the head because my brain was missing some gears, i tried to fix that by taking plenty of medicines throughout my life and that hasn't fixed shit

i don't even know why i wrote all of this, i'm so demotivated; it is like i'm talking to myself while i'm typing this. week after week; weaker, weaker and weaker, i'm growing enough courage to leave this horrific world next month​

This is so beautiful and I'm damn glad you wrote it. It makes me feel less alone. I hope you are able to get the relief you seek.