Cerulea
Student
- Sep 19, 2022
- 101
The volume of thoughts about death in my brain is high. Primarily my own, but there are background processes in my brain that perpetually have a tether to thoughts under the umbrella of death. This has been true for as long as I can remember. For most of my life, I resisted those signals in my brain so aggressively. Then I was forced to acknowledge and co-exist with this frequency. Imagine a radio station in your mind that is always on and broadcasting internally. So I found this forum because my thoughts of death resonate with me deeply these days. And I saw a lot of people who shared and expressed thoughts that reached me.
I've never felt like I belonged here at all. Earth has almost exclusively felt foreign to me. Even in the places I have felt the most at home, I have only ever felt as though I am here by mistake. When I think about how non-consenual birth is, I become very alarmed at seeing how we have put death in a similar position socially. I do believe that when it's your time it very well ought to be yours to decide if that's how it shakes out. It's been a solid five years since I've been able to argue against the personal decision that is end of life. There is a difference between my consciousness and my physical body. I am seeking to uncouple these two concepts.
A bit ago, I officially decided to get out of here. I don't want to be here. I have no fear of death, not one concern as to what is to be found once I show myself out. What absolutely terrifies me, to marrow in my bones, is having to stay here one moment longer than I have to. After a few failed attempts, and a lifetime of anguish, I decided to take my process seriously and find an honest to goodness path out. Choosing a method and understanding this decision in its entirety became my priority. And, in a weird way, it felt right to talk about it. Perhaps we normalize letting people talk these things out, work out their thoughts, and make autonomous decisions.
Everyone has their reasons for being here. They're all valid. The past week or so that I've been able to read through this forum has inspired me to take a more hands on approach. And I want to thank everyone for being here. The candor and care of these discussions is genuinely relieving to see. I feel much safer in my decision making. There is something that resembles peace in me. I just wanted to express that to anyone who cares. I look forward to interacting with many of you during the time we share in this space together.
I've never felt like I belonged here at all. Earth has almost exclusively felt foreign to me. Even in the places I have felt the most at home, I have only ever felt as though I am here by mistake. When I think about how non-consenual birth is, I become very alarmed at seeing how we have put death in a similar position socially. I do believe that when it's your time it very well ought to be yours to decide if that's how it shakes out. It's been a solid five years since I've been able to argue against the personal decision that is end of life. There is a difference between my consciousness and my physical body. I am seeking to uncouple these two concepts.
A bit ago, I officially decided to get out of here. I don't want to be here. I have no fear of death, not one concern as to what is to be found once I show myself out. What absolutely terrifies me, to marrow in my bones, is having to stay here one moment longer than I have to. After a few failed attempts, and a lifetime of anguish, I decided to take my process seriously and find an honest to goodness path out. Choosing a method and understanding this decision in its entirety became my priority. And, in a weird way, it felt right to talk about it. Perhaps we normalize letting people talk these things out, work out their thoughts, and make autonomous decisions.
Everyone has their reasons for being here. They're all valid. The past week or so that I've been able to read through this forum has inspired me to take a more hands on approach. And I want to thank everyone for being here. The candor and care of these discussions is genuinely relieving to see. I feel much safer in my decision making. There is something that resembles peace in me. I just wanted to express that to anyone who cares. I look forward to interacting with many of you during the time we share in this space together.
