Leaving, but years from now.

[EvaKay]

I have been going back and forth over the years about whether or not I would like to actually leave, but last night I made a decision that I would. But not now. Maybe not even for a few years.

I want to die, but I can't bring myself to hurt the few people I love in my life like that. They know how mentally unwell I am. But I can't leave them to feel upset. Last night I read and article about a woman with dementia who planned her own death, but talked about it over a number of years before actually doing it and her daughter said it helped prepare her and made her mothers death less heartbreaking. I feel like if I were to do something like that then it might hurt the people I love less.
My mom will be the hardest to convince. But I have able to turn her on to my side over the course of several years when it comes to certain this (cannabis use, sex work). My mom is also mentally ill and while she doesn't wish to exit how I plan to, she wishes all the time that she could fall asleep and never wake up. So I think I can convince her that exciting the way I want would help free me from all this pain.
It will likely be years from now, but I want to go. Just need to do some research first on how.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable not wanting to hurt those left behind. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point, and I wish you the best in whatever happens.