Leaving behind kids 5-9

[mossyfox]

I want to ctb but I pause because I wonder if the three kids I will leave will be left really fucked up. If our societies handled ctb and death appropriately, they'd be fine, but we don't. They have family to be there for them and I taught them how to be independent and self-thinkers, even the 5 year old. Are they going to be traumatized, have a shittier lives and be more likely to ctb just because I did?

 

[9BBN]

This sounds like an awful dilemma to be in, I'm sorry. It might not be worth thinking about until you are absolutely certain you want to ctb. I've thought a lot about ctb and how my family will react, but I realized if I'm not certain about it and don't have a date in mind, it's not worth worrying about yet.

Your death will probably affect your kids negatively. If you have to ctb, I think the most ethical thing is to do your absolute best to leave them in good hands. I hope you find peace one way or the other.

 

[logan]

This is certainly one of the most difficult situations you can imagine.
You not only have the responsibility for your life but also for these 3 children.

Losing your mother is definitely the worst thing that can happen to you.

Maybe you can draw enough strength from your love for them to go on living and to spare yourselves this fate.

 

[deflationary]

Are they going to be traumatized, have a shittier lives and be more likely to ctb just because I did?

Yes, yes and yes. I don't know your situation but if at all possible you should try to stay alive for them until they're at least 18. I've researched this topic before and from what I found out, kids that lose one of their parents to suicide at that age fare better than kids that lose a parent at a younger age.

 

[Hattywacky]

People who have lost a parent to suicide are significantly more likely to commit suicide themselves. I think that say a lot. Im sorry you are suffering.

 

[9BBN]

really really depressing. I'm selfish if I stay, selfish if I go. it was my mistake to have kids. I didn't used to get why moms took their kids with them but I think this is why. this feels like shit. being told this shit over and over again 'you chose to have kids, live with it' on top of everything else it's too much. if they can't function without their mom then I get why so many parents are made to believe it's a package deal that should be undone and erased.

You're not selfish if you stay. You're brave and selfless for taking care of your kids. What's done is done, but you can mean the world to them.

 

[UselessMF]

really really depressing. I'm selfish if I stay, selfish if I go. it was my mistake to have kids. I didn't used to get why moms took their kids with them but I think this is why. this feels like shit. being told this shit over and over again 'you chose to have kids, live with it' on top of everything else it's too much. if they can't function without their mom then I get why so many parents are made to believe it's a package deal that should be undone and erased.

This forum is 95 % anti-natalist so all you gonna read here is that you are selfish and you can't ctb. As a parent of 2 young children I'm stuck with a depression for a while and have the same dilemma. I keep on fighting my dark minded thoughts for them but if one day I really have to go I'll go. If they have a good entourage they will make it through.

Maybe the stats says a chlid who lived a parent suicide are more likely to ctb themself too but the majority will still get through it. There's always 2 sides of a medal, is it tougher for a child to live a parent suicide or to live with a suicidal parent ? And no. suicidal people are not all suicidal from day 1 of their lives like some people here think. Sometimes all is going well and suddendly depression and all sort of problems hits you.

 

[Snake of Eden]

really really depressing. I'm selfish if I stay, selfish if I go. it was my mistake to have kids. I didn't used to get why moms took their kids with them but I think this is why. this feels like shit. being told this shit over and over again 'you chose to have kids, live with it' on top of everything else it's too much. if they can't function without their mom then I get why so many parents are made to believe it's a package deal that should be undone and erased.

Please dont think to take your kids with you. Nobody is saying that you have no right to want to die but if you do it your kids will be left to live with consequences but it is still better to leave them alive than take them with you I think

 

[FuneralCry]

This sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end our own pain it passes it on to other people. It is likely to have an impact on their lives. I'm sorry you are suffering, I wish you well.

 

[blue_muse]

The F.O.G. (Fear Obligation Guilt) is difficult to navigate through so I hear you on feeling torn. If I was in your position I would ask myself the following questions: Have I tried every practical solution possible to my problem/s? Am I absolutely sure I want to CTB?

 

[LittleJem]

I wish there was more acceptance of suicide as an illness - just like cancer is an illness. Because it is in my opinion. 85% of suicides have mental illness and the brain is different in those who commit suicide. They've studied it - suicides have less white matter in (the hippocampus? I forget). So it's just in a sense like a parent dying of any other illness - if it's looked at in a more scientific fashion.

Blaming people for committing suicide, simply because they have an invisible and devastating illness is not scientific.

I think the kids would need to have a clear message that it is not their fault, that you love them, that you tried to stay for them. Maybe a letter/video message or two.

My ex's father hung himself and was discovered by his daughter. I'm sure you won't do that. Don't let them see you dead... Both children survived and lived. The daughter has terrible depression. The son -my ex- has issues - but is okay. His father's family blamed the mum, but no-one can stop that level of depression.

Saying all of that - have you tried microdosing with shrooms. I'm not saying it helped me, but they are saying it helps! Also Ketamine. Try everything first.
Also, look at Tramadol for treatment-resistant depression (if that is your issue). Check out the reviews on Drugs.com.

 

[mossyfox]

I take anti depressants and 400mg of mood stabilizers and sedatives. It keeps me flat and carrying on calmly to handle everything but it wears off. My doctor really tries, but over time my brain adjusts and it's like I'm not taking medicine at all.

 

[lostmyself]

I'm not sure what the difference is between that and let's say cancer is. Will they be in the care of someone that you trust? Also at that age they might not be told the truth etc as it's hard for a young brain to process.

 

[mossyfox]

Right now two are related and the other is a step sibling so they will immediately be separated after I ctb because legally they will have no legal rights to stay together. The co-parents do not get along and would not be bringing them to see each other or have sleep overs. And they are really close. But I can't keep doing this just for the kids. I'm sure most of you here have been told a version of 'just keep moving forward because of xyz, or finding meaning in life, etc'. Kids are not magical in that it's a more powerful reason to not ctb than anything else you have been told by someone in your life who knows you are suicidal.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I think I read that you were thinking to also 'take them with you'. Don't.

You haven't stated why. Why? You don't have to say of course.

 

[toforigivelife]

My heart breaks for people who have children but who are in so much that they want to end their lives.

That must be hell. Pure hell.

In the event you don't feel like you can take it anymore; you say they have family and people who will help them through this. Are you certain that your children will be able to count on having loving, understanding, healthy, supportive people to help care for them?

Your death by suicide is going to hurt them and it's going to affect them. It's going to have an effect on their father or mothet as well and impact their ability to care for them after you're gone. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

If you're truly to the point of no return then I just don't know what to say.

You're in your own personal hell and you have young children that you don't want to hurt. Horrible position to be in.

Explore and weigh all options.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Cant go back]

I'm sorry about your situation. I know it's tough but try to hold on if you can until they are at least 16 or so, that's easy to say I know.
If you're really worried about how this will affect them then maybe you are not ready. I always thought that people who do ctb are no longer burdened by these thoughts, but I don't know because I'm not there yet.

 

[StevieNixs]

I want to ctb but I pause because I wonder if the three kids I will leave will be left really fucked up. If our societies handled ctb and death appropriately, they'd be fine, but we don't. They have family to be there for them and I taught them how to be independent and self-thinkers, even the 5 year old. Are they going to be traumatized, have a shittier lives and be more likely to ctb just because I did?

My niece is in a similar situation to you. She has three children under ten, but just lost her own mother suddenly (not to suicide) which led to these feelings. They are still prevalent. She speaks about wanting to CTB every day and says her children are not an impediment to her doing it. What has stopped her? She says that her mother would not have approved of her leaving three young children behind. Now this last statement is not intended to be a loaded statement. I am simply telling you what she relayed to me and her desire to CTB is very strong. She even told me that she loved her mother more than her children - they were exceptionally close. She is receiving counselling and a lot of support. The feelings have not abated but her considerations regarding what her mother would have thought remains. I would personally hate having to deal with this dilemma. I have a son but he is grown up. Not sure what else to say. When feelings of wanting to CTB are intense, they are intense. I understand this. I have to hold off for a while with my plans, but I am not in the same situation as you and the max time I would need to hold out with is under a year - which feels bad enough for me tbh.

 

[celan]

If youd die from an illness such as cancer nobody would complain about your death or blame you for it. Depression is an illness and it kills you like cancer does. The difference is that cancer kills you against your will and in the case of suicide the depression evocates a mindset that forces you to kill yourself.

To those people that say that you brought your kids into this world and you are responsible for them I only can say: She couldnt know that she would be highly suicidal when she brought them here.

I know this might be controversial and for some people sound immoral. I think when the need to kill yourself is that extreme and life is unbearable then your extreme feelings are more important that other peoples feelings.

Its not your fault. You didnt choose to be depressed and suicidal and no intelligent and empathic person will blame you for that. People that love you will realise that suicide ended your pain and freed you from a horrible life.

BUT: Its definitely not recommended to kill yourself whlie having young kids IF you find a way to stick around. There is always hope, theres always something possible.

Try some medications and take the hard stuff (Benzos, Antipsychotics) to help you stick around a little bit longer, at least till your youngest child gets a little older.

 

[whywere]

The light of being makes one close their eyes to see. Walter

 

[I'm scared]

really really depressing. I'm selfish if I stay, selfish if I go. it was my mistake to have kids. I didn't used to get why moms took their kids with them but I think this is why. this feels like shit. being told this shit over and over again 'you chose to have kids, live with it' on top of everything else it's too much. if they can't function without their mom then I get why so many parents are made to believe it's a package deal that should be undone and eras

 

[mossyfox]

If youd die from an illness such as cancer nobody would complain about your death or blame you for it. Depression is an illness and it kills you like cancer does. The difference is that cancer kills you against your will and in the case of suicide the depression evocates a mindset that forces you to kill yourself.

To those people that say that you brought your kids into this world and you are responsible for them I only can say: She couldnt know that she would be highly suicidal when she brought them here.

I know this might be controversial and for some people sound immoral. I think when the need to kill yourself is that extreme and life is unbearable then your extreme feelings are more important that other peoples feelings.

Its not your fault. You didnt choose to be depressed and suicidal and no intelligent and empathic person will blame you for that. People that love you will realise that suicide ended your pain and freed you from a horrible life.

BUT: Its definitely not recommended to kill yourself whlie having young kids IF you find a way to stick around. There is always hope, theres always something possible.

Try some medications and take the hard stuff (Benzos, Antipsychotics) to help you stick around a little bit longer, at least till your youngest child gets a little older.

already have those meds. I don't know what else to add and still walk upright

 

[Shrek]

This is a messy situation. No outcome is perfect here, and it is important to recognize this.

What causes the least suffering overall here?
What concrete steps can you take to decrease the suffering of the children when or if you ctb.

Do not make your own suffering insignificant. Compare it to the egoist perspective too.
Explore, and write down different timelines

Formulating sentences and putting it on paper is very helpful for me.


Is hanging in for 13+ years an option or not? Are there steps available to make that time bearable?


Will a childhood and life of having a severly depressed parent be better than being raised by family after the trauma of a suicide?
Is there another parent involved?

I'm shure there is a lot of data out there on the wellbeing of children after suicides. Not all of it is without bias or fearmongering. Children have a better capacity to adapt to change, but are also more vulnerable to trauma the younger they are.
I would imagine that the more socially integrated they are, the better they fare.
Should you take steps to ensure this?
Would distancing yourself help or hurt?

Do take everything i say with a spoon of salt. I do not cite any sources.