Venting Lack of Depth

[VargosMelon]

I'm back again. To vent. I've been meaning to make another post.

Life is back in that high swing, before the drop, to be dramatic. I've been feeling my fantasies and ideations drop, but also have been afraid of letting them go as I don't want to get too comfortable.

I did end up telling my significant other about it… but only because I felt backed into a corner for a lack of better words // and for privacy sake, although I have been wanting to discuss them with my bff. I am choosing not to…

Recently I've been pondering the why behind my ideations — mine is tied to shame, stress, helplessness, pride, and unmet expectations.

Who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to be is so drastic a divide in my head. It's insane to me.

Another reason I indulge in ideation is because I fail to cope, I don't know. It ties back to how I stated in the title I have a lack of depth. It goes beyond just only knowing what's popular. Even in my mind, I feel like I cannot tap into what's under the hood. I don't know myself and I'm not sure how. There's something I want to tap into, want to explore more of, but I can't.

Everyone around me feels flushed out, more or less to an extent. And I don't. Not in the way I want. For instance, I love essays, when people explore things in depth with nuance. I feel incapable of anything more than regurgitating things. I am a consumer, not a creator.

I feel devoid of being an individual. And even when I am, it's not worth much… it's not a mean statement. It's an observation, it stings because I know there is so much more out there. I'm incapable of getting there do to myself. I'm keeping myself here. My fear, my ignorance, my unwillingness, everything is stacking up. I'm ruining my life. It almost feels like I'm incapable of stopping….

Today I made the decision to not be so dramatic and drastic. To let go of my pride best as possible. To be more quiet and introspective, not loud, wrong, and hostile. I'm not sure if I can even change at this point. I have till next year to see any progress. And I really have to try too.

 

[Hollowman]

Good luck. So you want to be emotionally blunted? I have been for many years, tbh it's hell for me.

 

[VargosMelon]

Good luck. So you want to be emotionally blunted? I have been for many years, tbh it's hell for me.

I guess, just because I'm so sensitive to everything. The littlest things seem to bother me, I am a dramatic person by byproduct. I imagine that if my emotions were dulled, then that would solve my issues. Some of them.

If you don't mind my curiosity, how does emotional blunting impact you?

 

[Pale_Rider]

My machine part is the result of deciding emotions needed to be eliminated.

 

[Apathy79]

Recently I've been pondering the why behind my ideations — mine is tied to shame, stress, helplessness, pride, and unmet expectations.

You started being a creator here. Run with that process. You say you're incapable of doing anything but regurgitate. Do you think that's a regurgitation?

Internal work sounds fuzzy and strange and feels like you don't know how to do it. But you do. You want to get really deep. Flesh that right out to the end then analyse what you wrote.

You've found a bunch of feelings there that probably account for a huge chunk of your thoughts because the feeling is repressed so it uses your thoughts, and in your case even words and actions, as an expressive outlet. You try to put an end to that, and it needs a new outlet. Instead, an experiment I like is to just feel the feeling itself, ignoring all the thoughts, and see if it's really as bad as your mind is making it. See whether you still feel the need for the dramatic thoughts, expressed or not.

I'd be shocked if you can't write the essays you admire. There's a great experiment where you pick the 3 people you admire most and what it is about them that makes them special to you. And do the same for those you hate and what makes them abhorrent.

Spoiler: Do the exercise before reading this

That's where you'll find your repressed positive attributes to be nurtured, and negative ones to work on.

 

[Rynalia]

I guess, just because I'm so sensitive to everything. The littlest things seem to bother me, I am a dramatic person by byproduct. I imagine that if my emotions were dulled, then that would solve my issues. Some of them.

If you don't mind my curiosity, how does emotional blunting impact you?

I ain't them, but emotional blunting really removes the "I" from life. Although it's also probably a YMMV situation too.

The more unattached you are to your emotions and feelings, the less you are able to actually interact with life, in my opinion. Sure, you don't experience the crippling lows, but you also don't feel fulfilled from the highs either. Kinda end up just existing. Sooner or later you might just find yourself unable to understand or connect to people leading to potentially increased isolation. It might not have even been your choice to be away from people, but if people can't get a read on you, that might be scary, for them. It's like looking at AI generated art--you can see that there is an emotion, but you can't feel the emotion from that piece of art. It's hollow, and empty. People pick up on that.

You might end up just digging yourself into a new part/area of your own personal hell.

 

[VargosMelon]

You started being a creator here. Run with that process. You say you're incapable of doing anything but regurgitate. Do you think that's a regurgitation?

Internal work sounds fuzzy and strange and feels like you don't know how to do it. But you do. You want to get really deep. Flesh that right out to the end then analyse what you wrote.

You've found a bunch of feelings there that probably account for a huge chunk of your thoughts because the feeling is repressed so it uses your thoughts, and in your case even words and actions, as an expressive outlet. You try to put an end to that, and it needs a new outlet. Instead, an experiment I like is to just feel the feeling itself, ignoring all the thoughts, and see if it's really as bad as your mind is making it. See whether you still feel the need for the dramatic thoughts, expressed or not.

I'd be shocked if you can't write the essays you admire. There's a great experiment where you pick the 3 people you admire most and what it is about them that makes them special to you. And do the same for those you hate and what makes them abhorrent.

Spoiler: Do the exercise before reading this

That's where you'll find your repressed positive attributes to be nurtured, and negative ones to work on.

Thanks for the excerise, actually the second half I've tumbled into recently because I noticed I have a tendacity towards projection. One of the things I tend to project about is not doing enough — he/she/they is not doing enough, and I realized it's mostly just me. There's perhaps more examples I could share, but that's all my mind could come up with…

My machine part is the result of deciding emotions needed to

I ain't them, but emotional blunting really removes the "I" from life. Although it's also probably a YMMV situation too.

The more unattached you are to your emotions and feelings, the less you are able to actually interact with life, in my opinion. Sure, you don't experience the crippling lows, but you also don't feel fulfilled from the highs either. Kinda end up just existing. Sooner or later you might just find yourself unable to understand or connect to people leading to potentially increased isolation. It might not have even been your choice to be away from people, but if people can't get a read on you, that might be scary, for them. It's like looking at AI generated art--you can see that there is an emotion, but you can't feel the emotion from that piece of art. It's hollow, and empty. People pick up on that.

You might end up just digging yourself into a new part/area of your own personal hell.

I hadn't thought about that happening to be honest. That does sounds like it's just gonna make my situation worse if I choose to purse that.

You started being a creator here. Run with that process. You say you're incapable of doing anything but regurgitate. Do you think that's a regurgitation?

Internal work sounds fuzzy and strange and feels like you don't know how to do it. But you do. You want to get really deep. Flesh that right out to the end then analyse what you wrote.

You've found a bunch of feelings there that probably account for a huge chunk of your thoughts because the feeling is repressed so it uses your thoughts, and in your case even words and actions, as an expressive outlet. You try to put an end to that, and it needs a new outlet. Instead, an experiment I like is to just feel the feeling itself, ignoring all the thoughts, and see if it's really as bad as your mind is making it. See whether you still feel the need for the dramatic thoughts, expressed or not.

I'd be shocked if you can't write the essays you admire. There's a great experiment where you pick the 3 people you admire most and what it is about them that makes them special to you. And do the same for those you hate and what makes them abhorrent.

Spoiler: Do the exercise before reading this

That's where you'll find your repressed positive attributes to be nurtured, and negative ones to work on.

Also, to add on, I know I can be creative. In fact I have been, I've written stories, planned game ideas, written poems, I've created things, some that I'm proud of and still want to pursue. A lot of it was cringe, and tried too hard. I haven't made any recent substantial progress towards the things that I feel matter to me. Even then, I'm not committed. I've just been okay with lingering. Idle. It's embarrassing how childish I am.

 

[Apathy79]

Thanks for the excerise, actually the second half I've tumbled into recently because I noticed I have a tendacity towards projection. One of the things I tend to project about is not doing enough — he/she/they is not doing enough, and I realized it's mostly just me. There's perhaps more examples I could share, but that's all my mind could come up with…

I've gotten to the point now where I just assume everything I criticise in others is a self-criticism on some level. And then work out why that's true. Projection is underestimated in its prevalence as a method to deny the thing in ourselves and instead project it onto someone else. I find out things I've repressed about myself all the time that way. It's usually not obvious immediately but doesn't take much reflection to figure it out. "I increasingly hate this type of person more and more ... holy shit that's where I'm doing that!" Reminds me of that quote from the Bible which I will get wrong but is something like "you keep finding the splinter in your partner's eye but can't see the beam in yours"

Also, to add on, I know I can be creative. In fact I have been, I've written stories, planned game ideas, written poems, I've created things, some that I'm proud of and still want to pursue. A lot of it was cringe, and tried too hard. I haven't made any recent substantial progress towards the things that I feel matter to me. Even then, I'm not committed. I've just been okay with lingering. Idle. It's embarrassing how childish I am.

Yeah this rings true for me too. Getting closer to 50 it hits home harder and harder. I'm trying to rectify it, but that's also been the case for a while, with limited progress. But as you say I don't think it's lack of creativity, maybe holding onto the fantasy that I could do it if I put in the effort, but actually putting in the effort would test that hypothesis and I don't want it to be proven wrong, so never do anything and keep the prideful fantasy safe? Something twisted like that. If you find the answer for yourself, you can help me!