killing myself right now, i think

[cheesefundamental]

getting drunk, playing a video game then im fucking hanging myself.
i tried to spend some time with my mother one more time before the end of all of this, but she ended up finding out i lied to my job about someone dying so i could have time i needed to recover from the end of a completely dependant relationship i'd been ripped from
is it fucked up to lie about that? yep. but i didnt know what else to do at the time and i couldnt have taken it back, i needed that time to recover because i was fucking spiralling and trying not to kill myself every single day, and losing my job would have pushed me over the edge

at the end, my once gentle, loving mother, who cared so dearly for me, called my actions disgusting and i got no guarantee she'll ever think of me nicely again when i asked her if she would ever think of me kindly again

thats it
i cant take it anymore
ive lost everything and everyone and nothing will ever get better in a way that matters
i fucked up my life because i was too depressed and mentally unwell to do the right things
i became a monster and ill die a monster

 

[bea1974]

I am so sorry all of that happening to you, and left you feeling this way.
I send love and solidarity, fwiw.

 

[cheesefundamental]

probably going to take a nap first, overcome with suddeln exhaustion
sorry this probably looks attention seeking from me but i swear i tried to be completely honest on here, its just a lot, and ive lost a lot of people i considered family along with my real family

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Do you have any tips for hanging?

 

[bea1974]

I didn't think you were "attention-seeking" but honestly so what if you were? Why is that so often considered a bad thing?
Humans are pack animals. Without positive attention from others we die (metaphorically and/or literally).
I am really sorry for your losses. Sounds like you are in a really painful space right now.

 

[cheesefundamental]

Do you have any tips for hanging?

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-hang-yourself.1183/

this is the guide i used, and this was the slipknot tutorial i used

im using one of those thin, long blankets too for it, seemed to work well for the length, im doing partial suspension

no idea if itll work, but uh, yeah
try to reconsider if you can though, carefully plan things out, consider if maybe changing your environment and starting anew might be something for you
i know its hypocritical coming from me, but, uh, yeah, yknow? sometimes a change of environment, people you're talking to, or a new dream might be whatll set you on track
like, fuck it, yknow? if youre dead anyways you might as well travel, see more places, maybe find something youll like enough to stay

I didn't think you were "attention-seeking" but honestly so what if you were? Why is that so often considered a bad thing?
Humans are pack animals. Without positive attention from others we die (metaphorically and/or literally).
I am really sorry for your losses. Sounds like you are in a really painful space right now.

thank you, that genuinely means a lot.. yeah im at a really rough place rn, but your kindness was. something i genuinely needed, thank you

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

probably going to take a nap first, overcome with suddeln exhaustion
sorry this probably looks attention seeking from me but i swear i tried to be completely honest on here, its just a lot, and ive lost a lot of people i considered family along with my real family

Sounds like SI is creeping in/taking over ...

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm sorry to hear this, dear.
Are you still with us?

Whatever you do or have done, I wish you lots of love and peace!

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and appreciate how hard it is when harsh words are said by someone you love deeply.

Are you still here? If you are still with us and you ever want to talk, I'm happy to listen.

 

[BandAddict]

I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time. And don't feel bad talking about these things, it's probably good to get it off your chest at least. I do hope you're just taking a nap for now so you can think it over some more.

 

[cheesefundamental]

I'm sorry to hear this, dear.
Are you still with us?

Whatever you do or have done, I wish you lots of love and peace!

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and appreciate how hard it is when harsh words are said by someone you love deeply.

Are you still here? If you are still with us and you ever want to talk, I'm happy to listen.

yyeah im still here , i passed out earlier
think its because i pulled an allnighter though

thank you guys for your support i just. um. its just so much
woke up to one of my exes calling me a manipulative asshole too and
im sso anxious andn shaking and i hate all of this i never asked to be a bad person yknow i just

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace whatever happens and and an end to your suffering.

 

[TriggerHappy]

""never asked to be a bad person yknow i just...""

there is no such thing as good / bad people - we ALL fuckin' struggle with what we have...
no-one can judge you harsher than you judge yourself yeah - so just breathe - & be okay with whatever you are / do.

do not go gently into that good night - rage.
Peace & Light & Love M!GS

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I say good for you lying to your job; they don't give a damn about mental illness in most places so do what you gotta do.

 

[bea1974]

Hey Cheesefundamental I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Hope that doesn't appear creepy!

I mean it in a nice way ;)

 

[mineko]

I don't understand how "attention seeking" is considered bad. If you broke your leg, would it be attention seeking to go to the hospital? Why are emotional and mental issues any different? How is asking for help bad?

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You are not manipulative or attention seeking for sharing your pain with us alongside those you care about. They need to realize that you've been pushed to the brink by your suffering, it is not weakness to want some love and support. It should be common decency to be met with respect when you trust someone with such delicate information like your cbt urges.