just finalized order, will be gone in the next few days

[Lungz]

ill be pretty isolated and alone till then so id appreciate any messages or dms, u can add me to chat ill be around till my package arrives. i ordered some pressed pills so im not sure if theyll contian everything i need, butif i wake up the next day ill have a noose waiting for me. im honestly really excited to escape just guilty ill hurt so many people with my decision. i love my family a lot. i have a lot of love ffor people around me i just cant do this anymore

 

[sleepyghost]

what did you order? happy to keep you company either way, no need to feel alone.

 

[Lungz]

ordered 5 fentanyl pills. i had a convo with my closest family member about suicide earlier. ive talked to her about my suicidal thoughts maybe once or twice during drunken rambles. shes def seen me thru my worst. she said she had a really bad feeling something happened to me recently, so she texted and asked if i was okay. she said she worries about me doing something to myself a lot. i dont want to feel so guilty before i go, but i lost people really close to me so i know how earth shattering it can be. it hurts a lot knowing how much im gonna fuck people up but ive been very sure of this for years, its my decision and noone elses.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I hope everything works out for you. I'm not trying to to tell you to do anything but alcohol will wash those down nicely.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I personally cannot afford to care too much about those I leave behind. Unfortunately pain is carried by the individual and it is a sad fact that to find true escape means that more pain is generated.

I am stuck in a limbo. I hope you are able to work through your guilt.

 

[sleepyghost]

Did something happen recently to make you place more urgency on leaving? Do you think your family member may be able to help you with whatever it is you're going through right now?

 

[Lungz]

too risky. my stomach cant handle alcohol very well im worried thtll make me vomit them up. i do have a little xanax so that should do.

I hope everything works out for you. I'm not trying to to tell you to do anything but alcohol will wash those down nicely

Did something happen recently to make you place more urgency on leaving? Do you think your family member may be able to help you with whatever it is you're going through right now?

when my mom passed at 13,i decided id take myself out at 18. it was a way of holding onto an escape so grief didnt hit me so hard. ive been fixated on the idea sicne then. turned 18 last month so im well past my expiration date.
im going through a pretty tough breakup right now, id be lying if i said that didnt influence how i felt. i met him a little over a year after she passed and that year consisted of sitting in my room staring at my closet pondering on this, i got really deep into escapism and wrapped up in this person who eventually just shit on me over n over again since then. but i was kind of an awful person to b around too i just wish he wasnt so angry n mean to me. i sorta fucked him over this time so i cant really feel that sorry for myself.
this isnt something im not positive about, theres been moments ive had hope, but no schooling, no mom, no self image, no comfort at home, 4 yr relationship with someone who rly doesnt give a shit about me has kinda been icing on the cake
my mom was an addict, she took me out of school n passed shortly later so i literally have 0 education ive just been sitting here crying and rotting
ive felt like ive been haunting the people around me for a very long time
i dont really ave a want to reach out or try to feel better because i know ill be working for nothing, no ambitions or wants besides disappearing since i was a kid
i dont wanna be dependent on people to feel okay knowing ill never be ok on my own
ill just end up a dead beat drug addict anyways so might as well cut myslef the pain of watching that happen

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I know that it is awful living a life filled with pain and misery. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[sleepyghost]

my mom was an addict, she took me out of school n passed shortly later so i literally have 0 education ive just been sitting here crying and rotting

Do you live with other family now?

ive felt like ive been haunting the people around me for a very long time
i dont really ave a want to reach out or try to feel better because i know ill be working for nothing, no ambitions or wants besides disappearing since i was a kid
i dont wanna be dependent on people to feel okay knowing ill never be ok on my own

My heart breaks for your situation. Not sure if it will help, but your brain isn't even fully developed until you're 25, so a lot of "who you are" is still changing. It seems like a lot of what you're feeling is coming from a lack of independence, if by some miracle you were able to become independent, do you feel that you would have some motivation to continue your life? Also curious if you've ever received support for your mental health through therapy or medication- it doesn't work for everyone, but I do think it's worth at least exploring all the options before committing to leave.