clearing eyes
femboy hooters employee of the month
- Jul 23, 2019
- 44
i'm pretty dedicated to my plan now. i don't intend on turning back, but who knows if i will change my mind at the last minute. what i am feeling right now can only be described as a peaceful sadness. it's unfortunate that it has come to this. it would have been better if things didn't turn out this way. it's alright, though. i have an answer. i have a definite plan. i can leave any time i want once i have the stuff i need. something about that makes me feel something i haven't felt in years. i'm in control. freedom is within reach. waiting is agonizing; i wish i could go through with it here and now. what i'm scared of is what comes after. i'm not religious, but i wonder if i'll be punished. i'm hoping that there's nothing. i don't want anyone i leave behind to blame themselves for my death. i'm ashamed to die in such a way. i don't want to be mourned or buried. i don't want a funeral, i don't want people to post pictures of me online or in an obituary. if only there was a way to quietly erase myself from everyone's mind and memory. i didn't ask for people to become attached to me, yet here we are. i can't shake people off, i can't tell people to not bother with me because i'm going to die soon. of course their first instinct will be to stop me, right? life is such a strange thing. i wish it was appealing to me, the way it is for others. i feel like a helpless and lost child, but i'll be going where i belong soon. i see blue, green and gold. i see stars and fields. it's windy and cool. the world seems less daunting; for the first time, i am content with my choice.
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