I currently try to go to university again. I won't say the subject but it is a course for the elites. I think I am not smart enough. Tbh I never thought I could do that. All my therapists told me I could do it. I am pretty sure they are wrong. The intelligence is one problem but there is a way bigger one. I have zero resilience. I just want to prove my therapists I cannot do that and stop studying after 2 weeks before I become manic.
However now I realize one thing. It is a strange feeling to be surrounded by the coming elites. Many of them are younger than me. They probably never had serious problems like me. They are fresh from school, good looking, maybe rich parents. (Many of them have partners I never had despite the fact they are way younger)
Many of them are like social justice warriors I guess. I kind of like that because they are in favor of higher welfare which I will need a lot. We will have so different lives. They will be high managers or stuff like that and I will live in poverty and ctb due to that. Today we went into an expensve restaurant (I only ordered something very small). It is kind of weird to share a similar lifestyle even if it is only for a small time. We also saw some homeless people in our group. I felt like I rather belong to the homeless people instead of them. I currently have no big money issues. But poverty is pretty unavoidable and I am scared like shit.
I sometimes dream when I am around them I could become one of them. But this is pretty naive. (It reminds me to the attitude my therapists have. They are absurdly optimistic. It will be painful to leave the university/students. They are living my dream (to study that subject).
However now I realize one thing. It is a strange feeling to be surrounded by the coming elites. Many of them are younger than me. They probably never had serious problems like me. They are fresh from school, good looking, maybe rich parents. (Many of them have partners I never had despite the fact they are way younger)
Many of them are like social justice warriors I guess. I kind of like that because they are in favor of higher welfare which I will need a lot. We will have so different lives. They will be high managers or stuff like that and I will live in poverty and ctb due to that. Today we went into an expensve restaurant (I only ordered something very small). It is kind of weird to share a similar lifestyle even if it is only for a small time. We also saw some homeless people in our group. I felt like I rather belong to the homeless people instead of them. I currently have no big money issues. But poverty is pretty unavoidable and I am scared like shit.
I sometimes dream when I am around them I could become one of them. But this is pretty naive. (It reminds me to the attitude my therapists have. They are absurdly optimistic. It will be painful to leave the university/students. They are living my dream (to study that subject).
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