witchcraft
it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
- Nov 27, 2024
- 112
Hi, I'm writing this while on a muscle relaxer for my back, and I feel a bit woozy. Could also be because I haven't eaten yet today. Anyway, apologies if this seems a bit disorganized or something.
But basically: title. I've given up on all of my dreams. I just can't keep doing it anymore. For the past year and a half, I've tried being a "content creator." A YouTuber. And this has proven to just be another stark reminder that I am worthless, or at least worth very little. I was never popular even as far back as middle school—generally liked, perhaps, but not popular—so I don't know what I was thinking.
I liked creating videos for the most part, and feel as though I got better at it (technically I've made videos on and off since 2011 but this was the first time taking all that experience to try and actually make a proper "gaming channel")... But my best efforts never amount to anything. I'm never good enough despite the dozens of hours I put into trying my best to make gaming related videos that I genuinely enjoyed watching. Yes, I also thought constantly about audience needs, how to provide an audience with value, blah blah blah. All that accomplished was making me a pathetic fucking dancing monkey for an audience of people that don't give a shit. Competing so desperately (without showing desperation) for attention with thumbnails and titles, and to maintain that goldfish attention span.
I hate working. I've tried two dozen jobs over the past 12 years. Working, the sheer concept of having to be somewhere I do not want to be and dealing with assholes or co-worker politics / drama, dreading every single tomorrow, makes me suicidal. However, I have been a creative person for most of my life, so I thought that maybe I could make money doing YouTube content. Nope. I cannot compete with any of these successful content creators, and it always comes back to the fact that they are all more likeable. Just magically, inexplicably better than me. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate kids who literally do not even have to try, they were just born with some arcane knowledge and upload some videos and instantly are successful with zero rhyme or reason. No, I don't hate them, I hate the disparity itself. I hate that they either understand something I don't and will never, ever understand, or I hate that they don't even understand what everyone claims you need to understand but are successful anyway and they are 10+ years younger than me. And it makes me fucking hate myself more than I already did before trying my hardest at this for so long.
These children started yesterday, I started nearly two years ago, and they're already instantly immediately where I was trying to get to. This. Happens. With. Everything. I. Fucking. Try. I am living a neverending nightmare where you never get closer to the thing you're trying to run to, or further from what you're running from. I'm just doomed. Stuck. No way out. It's awesome, it's so so awesome never being able to improve at anything, to achieve anything in this life. It's really really awesome I tell you.
By comparison, this might seem ridiculous to some of the other issues people share on here. Whatever. This is just one of several reasons why I want to kill myself, but I just wanted to talk about this specifically. I am profoundly disappointed that, once again, I am not good enough at something.
Why bother trying? Why bother fucking trying at anything ever again? I'll never be good enough. It's never enough. Nothing I ever fucking do, none of my best efforts and intentions, are ever fucking good enough to simply get by in my own little corner of the world. I am so fucking sick of it. This experience is just the newest on a long, long list of examples.
So I'm giving up on my dreams. It hurts more than I expected it to, because part of me enjoys being creative (I also write fiction). But I'll never make money from it. I'll never be able to just write a best-seller and retire. Nope, that seems to be something only certain other people get to experience. My own creations will always be a constant reminder that nobody values anything that I create, anything that I do or say. Maybe a few people, but that feels like pity rather than success at this point.
I guess it's part of the process leading up to CTB for me. Kind of like giving away all of your possessions. I won't be needing them anymore, and neither will I need these stupid fucking useless dreams or this creativity. People are just all going to read and watch AI slop anyway; it's already happening, and in a few years time that's the only God damn fucking thing that 90% of people will be consuming anyway.
This is how my thoughts spiral. They spiral logically, if you ask me. It all adds up, like the Fibonacci sequence. Because now I just think about all of the people, the countless people I have seen on the internet, show no sympathy or empathy toward artists who have to contend with AI going forward. A computer that can solve mathematical equations in minutes that would've taken multiple consecutive lifetimes for teams of human experts, and that has access to all of civilizations best pieces of art and can extrapolate from them to create meta-art. People who show no fucking care in the world about the human element or spirit or soul of art in any of its forms, including music, including the very art they've taken for granted until about 5 years ago when all of this started happening. I could go on, but the point is that I don't want to be a part of all this anymore. The fact that "AI art good" is the prevailing attitude, and that I am apparently some kind of luddite for not being gung-ho about AI, sorry but I'm out.
This world that's being ushered in isn't one that I want to live in nor is it one that I want to bring anybody into. It seems like less than 10 years ago it was a completely different world. A much better one; obviously not for every individual, but the cultural milieu did not seem to be one of malaise. I actually used to look forward to the future and thought working and playing my part in making a family would be worth it. I thought that more good things happened than bad. Lol. Now, for a decade I've watched everything I've ever loved get shat upon, I've watched corporate greed ruin my favorite hobbies beyond the point of no return, I've watched AI destroy art and any concept of what it could mean—ideally—to be a human being in this one and only life we get. We went from the Renaissance to skibidi-fucking-doo-da toilet.
I'm done. This post fits my monitor, and I take that as my limit. The only thing that can save me is a million dollars. Then I'd just live very small off of compound interest and make content in peace for fun. I'd live alone with little need of other people. I still wouldn't have children, but it'd honestly be enough to make me shut up and suffer out the rest of my lifespan.
This world is full, I mean overflowing with people who respond to stuff like this with "RIP bozo" and "put the fries in the bag" and "bye." So yeah, I'm killing myself. I do not want to share oxygen with the hundreds of millions of people who think that way. If mocking or encouraging suicide is what they need for them to feel good, for them to feel like they win, I couldn't care less. It won't be my problem anymore. None of this will. They, along with everything else, will go the fuck away. They can laugh and do their little dance at my expense all they want, I won't know about it and I won't care, I'll be gone thank God.
But basically: title. I've given up on all of my dreams. I just can't keep doing it anymore. For the past year and a half, I've tried being a "content creator." A YouTuber. And this has proven to just be another stark reminder that I am worthless, or at least worth very little. I was never popular even as far back as middle school—generally liked, perhaps, but not popular—so I don't know what I was thinking.
I liked creating videos for the most part, and feel as though I got better at it (technically I've made videos on and off since 2011 but this was the first time taking all that experience to try and actually make a proper "gaming channel")... But my best efforts never amount to anything. I'm never good enough despite the dozens of hours I put into trying my best to make gaming related videos that I genuinely enjoyed watching. Yes, I also thought constantly about audience needs, how to provide an audience with value, blah blah blah. All that accomplished was making me a pathetic fucking dancing monkey for an audience of people that don't give a shit. Competing so desperately (without showing desperation) for attention with thumbnails and titles, and to maintain that goldfish attention span.
I hate working. I've tried two dozen jobs over the past 12 years. Working, the sheer concept of having to be somewhere I do not want to be and dealing with assholes or co-worker politics / drama, dreading every single tomorrow, makes me suicidal. However, I have been a creative person for most of my life, so I thought that maybe I could make money doing YouTube content. Nope. I cannot compete with any of these successful content creators, and it always comes back to the fact that they are all more likeable. Just magically, inexplicably better than me. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate kids who literally do not even have to try, they were just born with some arcane knowledge and upload some videos and instantly are successful with zero rhyme or reason. No, I don't hate them, I hate the disparity itself. I hate that they either understand something I don't and will never, ever understand, or I hate that they don't even understand what everyone claims you need to understand but are successful anyway and they are 10+ years younger than me. And it makes me fucking hate myself more than I already did before trying my hardest at this for so long.
These children started yesterday, I started nearly two years ago, and they're already instantly immediately where I was trying to get to. This. Happens. With. Everything. I. Fucking. Try. I am living a neverending nightmare where you never get closer to the thing you're trying to run to, or further from what you're running from. I'm just doomed. Stuck. No way out. It's awesome, it's so so awesome never being able to improve at anything, to achieve anything in this life. It's really really awesome I tell you.
By comparison, this might seem ridiculous to some of the other issues people share on here. Whatever. This is just one of several reasons why I want to kill myself, but I just wanted to talk about this specifically. I am profoundly disappointed that, once again, I am not good enough at something.
Why bother trying? Why bother fucking trying at anything ever again? I'll never be good enough. It's never enough. Nothing I ever fucking do, none of my best efforts and intentions, are ever fucking good enough to simply get by in my own little corner of the world. I am so fucking sick of it. This experience is just the newest on a long, long list of examples.
So I'm giving up on my dreams. It hurts more than I expected it to, because part of me enjoys being creative (I also write fiction). But I'll never make money from it. I'll never be able to just write a best-seller and retire. Nope, that seems to be something only certain other people get to experience. My own creations will always be a constant reminder that nobody values anything that I create, anything that I do or say. Maybe a few people, but that feels like pity rather than success at this point.
I guess it's part of the process leading up to CTB for me. Kind of like giving away all of your possessions. I won't be needing them anymore, and neither will I need these stupid fucking useless dreams or this creativity. People are just all going to read and watch AI slop anyway; it's already happening, and in a few years time that's the only God damn fucking thing that 90% of people will be consuming anyway.
This is how my thoughts spiral. They spiral logically, if you ask me. It all adds up, like the Fibonacci sequence. Because now I just think about all of the people, the countless people I have seen on the internet, show no sympathy or empathy toward artists who have to contend with AI going forward. A computer that can solve mathematical equations in minutes that would've taken multiple consecutive lifetimes for teams of human experts, and that has access to all of civilizations best pieces of art and can extrapolate from them to create meta-art. People who show no fucking care in the world about the human element or spirit or soul of art in any of its forms, including music, including the very art they've taken for granted until about 5 years ago when all of this started happening. I could go on, but the point is that I don't want to be a part of all this anymore. The fact that "AI art good" is the prevailing attitude, and that I am apparently some kind of luddite for not being gung-ho about AI, sorry but I'm out.
This world that's being ushered in isn't one that I want to live in nor is it one that I want to bring anybody into. It seems like less than 10 years ago it was a completely different world. A much better one; obviously not for every individual, but the cultural milieu did not seem to be one of malaise. I actually used to look forward to the future and thought working and playing my part in making a family would be worth it. I thought that more good things happened than bad. Lol. Now, for a decade I've watched everything I've ever loved get shat upon, I've watched corporate greed ruin my favorite hobbies beyond the point of no return, I've watched AI destroy art and any concept of what it could mean—ideally—to be a human being in this one and only life we get. We went from the Renaissance to skibidi-fucking-doo-da toilet.
I'm done. This post fits my monitor, and I take that as my limit. The only thing that can save me is a million dollars. Then I'd just live very small off of compound interest and make content in peace for fun. I'd live alone with little need of other people. I still wouldn't have children, but it'd honestly be enough to make me shut up and suffer out the rest of my lifespan.
This world is full, I mean overflowing with people who respond to stuff like this with "RIP bozo" and "put the fries in the bag" and "bye." So yeah, I'm killing myself. I do not want to share oxygen with the hundreds of millions of people who think that way. If mocking or encouraging suicide is what they need for them to feel good, for them to feel like they win, I couldn't care less. It won't be my problem anymore. None of this will. They, along with everything else, will go the fuck away. They can laugh and do their little dance at my expense all they want, I won't know about it and I won't care, I'll be gone thank God.
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