hymnsofthesea
Member
- May 14, 2026
- 5
My entire life, I've just wanted somebody to care. Anything and everything I did was for somebody to care. To show me that I mattered to them so for a second I could take a breath. It's all getting worse now. Each time I get better, the worse it gets, and I think "It couldn't get worse than this," then it does.
I'm the most extroverted and social person you'll meet, I can dance on the street singing if you dare me to, I can spend an hour on the floor with a stranger I've never seen before, I'm extroverted in its purest sense. But what is an extrovert without friends? They make me cry everyday. I just want some friends. A friend. It's always been my biggest goal in life.
I idealized about CTB every single day. Not one night that goes without it. But I'm scared because of religious guilt. I've grown up in a strictly religious environment, so even if I decide not to believe, it's still engraved into me deeply and it doubles my fear. I want to attempt to CTB, and hope my attempt is enough to make people care, and make me survive so that I won't struggle with the fear of religion. Which would ultimately mean that I don't want to die? But I'm not sure. If anyone has advice on what I should do, it would be greatly appreciated, but back to my point.
I cant say I don't know how long I can keep going, because I've reached my breaking point. I wake up with the same ache, I sleep with the same ache. It's so overwhelming I shake in fear.
I'm the most extroverted and social person you'll meet, I can dance on the street singing if you dare me to, I can spend an hour on the floor with a stranger I've never seen before, I'm extroverted in its purest sense. But what is an extrovert without friends? They make me cry everyday. I just want some friends. A friend. It's always been my biggest goal in life.
I idealized about CTB every single day. Not one night that goes without it. But I'm scared because of religious guilt. I've grown up in a strictly religious environment, so even if I decide not to believe, it's still engraved into me deeply and it doubles my fear. I want to attempt to CTB, and hope my attempt is enough to make people care, and make me survive so that I won't struggle with the fear of religion. Which would ultimately mean that I don't want to die? But I'm not sure. If anyone has advice on what I should do, it would be greatly appreciated, but back to my point.
I cant say I don't know how long I can keep going, because I've reached my breaking point. I wake up with the same ache, I sleep with the same ache. It's so overwhelming I shake in fear.
