Venting It's like the stars are aligned

[BandAddict]

I've faced a couple of setbacks recently. I planned to CTB a couple months ago, but ended up getting committed. While there, one of the medications they started me on was Olanzapine. I discovered that it would work as an antiemetic for SN. Perfect. I put off CTB for another month, but ended up getting committed again. Before that I got denied disability, which really put a wrench in everything. During my stay, Propranolol was prescribed to me—another useful piece to the SN regimen.

It just feels like the universe is telling me to kill myself. It's made everything leading up so easy, I didn't even have to do anything. My mom helped with the appeal for disability, and if it works out, I may have more time, maybe start some real therapy or something, and I can try to cover basic needs so I don't feel like such a burden. But I'm afraid that if I get denied again, it's just another sign that I need to go. To lift all the weight I put upon others.

I'm afraid to die, I really am. I'm also afraid to live. But right now living is more familiar, so maybe that's why I choose to suffer despite having a ticket out. That and the fear of possibly fucking up my mom and sibling's life. I don't know...

Anyway, just have this all swirling around in my head. I can't help but think CTB is meant to be. I just wish I could get the "okay" from my mom, though that may never happen. I wish it was easier to overcome the fear of death, and the fear of hurting others. Despite all that life has sucked out of me, I still love, and love is a barrier. I feel lost.

 

[Celerity]

I've faced a couple of setbacks recently. I planned to CTB a couple months ago, but ended up getting committed. While there, one of the medications they started me on was Olanzapine. I discovered that it would work as an antiemetic for SN. Perfect. I put off CTB for another month, but ended up getting committed again. Before that I got denied disability, which really put a wrench in everything. During my stay, Propranolol was prescribed to me—another useful piece to the SN regimen.

It just feels like the universe is telling me to kill myself. It's made everything leading up so easy, I didn't even have to do anything. My mom helped with the appeal for disability, and if it works out, I may have more time, maybe start some real therapy or something, and I can try to cover basic needs so I don't feel like such a burden. But I'm afraid that if I get denied again, it's just another sign that I need to go. To lift all the weight I put upon others.

I'm afraid to die, I really am. I'm also afraid to live. But right now living is more familiar, so maybe that's why I choose to suffer despite having a ticket out. That and the fear of possibly fucking up my mom and sibling's life. I don't know...

Anyway, just have this all swirling around in my head. I can't help but think CTB is meant to be. I just wish I could get the "okay" from my mom, though that may never happen. I wish it was easier to overcome the fear of death, and the fear of hurting others. Despite all that life has sucked out of me, I still love, and love is a barrier. I feel lost.

Afraid to die and afraid to live. Right there with you. I hope things improve for you and become more comfortable soon regardless of your ultimate decision.

I too feel like the universe is telling me it's time to go. I don't believe in a higher power and have seen little evidence of one. Only the repeatedly negative circumstances of my life - especially recent ones - have given me this idea that some cosmic force is out to get me or some shit.

Every time I think I see a sign to live, it reveals itself to be another reason to CTB.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, life can be painful. It is like being trapped, being afraid to die and afraid to live. I feel like ctb is my fate too, things never seem to go my way. I wish you well.

 

[Spock87]

I have also seen so many sighs to ctb. I have realized there are more pros then cons to ctb and honestly I'm worth more dead than alive. So I'm honestly right there with you