It was a long time coming

[_Kaira_]

I finally ordered my SN earlier today. My CTB date is as soon as I get it through mail which will be sometime next week, possibly next Friday or Saturday. If not those days, I will do it as soon as I have enough alone time. I will be going with just the SN, as I have no idea how to get meto or anything else. I just don't care at this point, I'm very desperate to CTB. My ex's parents are giving me 60 days to gtfo of their house, either go back to my abusive parents, or somehow find a better job to support an apartment, get a car, etc. All in 2 months. Well, I can't do it. It was hard enough to find my current (and first mind you, at 24) part time retail job, and they will be leaving me with absolutely nothing now.

I won't be around for when they decide it's time to kick me out. I've been pretty indecisive about committing suicide for so long, and even during my attempts at partial, I failed each time and ended up in the hospital. No more pain. No more arguments. No more expectations I can't fulfill.

At first it was tough to make the order, but now I finally feel like I have even just a little bit of control left in my life. Very emotional just typing this out right now, but ctb is inevitable for me. I have no other choice now. I hope I can have the strength to get past my SI so I can finally be at peace, when the time comes...

On another note, today was a shitshow. What else is new? God I wish I had my SN right now...

 

[All Things Must Pass]

Can you descrribe how your day went?

 

[_Kaira_]

Can you descrribe how your day went?

Woke up, fought with ex, struggled getting ready for work due to all my crap getting moved everywhere, fought some more -- this time with ex and his parents, got told I have to leave their house, went to work - was late due to fighting, dealt with angry customers --horrible managment and took verbal abuse, came home and fought more with ex, now only my usual longing for suicide about to cry myself to sleep.

It was pretty bad. Rather not go into detail.

Update: Fought more with ex, why do I still care about this man lol? it causes me nothing but pain and agony. Ctb can't come soon enough.

 

[Insomniac]

why do I still care about this man lol?

maybe because you still live at his parents house

I'm sorry, that must suck so much..

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be cruel, and it can be hard when we are in a hopeless situation. As you said at least having the SN means you have some control, you have a way out. I wish you peace if this is the option you want.

 

[miserableforever]

Is there any other way for you to push back your CTB, as in move in with a friend or try for a shelter until you're stable enough with a better job? Circumstances can change, you might find love again sooner than you think. I came out of a divorce with absolutely nothing. It's been so incredibly hard financially and I try to hold on somehow, last month, this month, probably next month too. Contemplating to just end it all, but I can't find the courage (yet). I hope you will be content with your choice, whatever it may be

 

[_Kaira_]

maybe because you still live at his parents house

I'm sorry, that must suck so much..

I have no other options. I moved across country for this person, I gave up everything. Only option I have now is to go back to my parents, and that would be worse than death.

This life really can be cruel, and it can be hard when we are in a hopeless situation. As you said at least having the SN means you have some control, you have a way out. I wish you peace if this is the option you want.

Thank you. Life was never meant for me. I can't cope. Can't say I want suicide to be my only option, but it is nonetheless.

Is there any other way for you to push back your CTB, as in move in with a friend or try for a shelter until you're stable enough with a better job? Circumstances can change, you might find love again sooner than you think. I came out of a divorce with absolutely nothing. It's been so incredibly hard financially and I try to hold on somehow, last month, this month, probably next month too. Contemplating to just end it all, but I can't find the courage (yet). I hope you will be content with your choice, whatever it may be

I don't have any actual friends. I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to my social life. All I had was my ex. I wish it was dramatic to say I have no one, but it's been looking that way for years now. I'm done with this constant cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. I'm tired of living with mental illness. Been wanting to die for roughly 13-14 years now. I pushed it back so much already, trying to see if things will improve. But it never does. Worse problems with the ex. Hating the work life even though I just started. Can't do this for another 50-60 years.

I have been coming to terms with my rough ctb date, just sad I couldn't make it work with my ex. He'll be okay though, he's already numb to the fact I'm suicidal. It'll probably hurt him for a bit, but he's aware it's been coming.

EDIT: Also I did think about shelters and looked into them. To be honest, I really don't want to go down that path. Also I don't want anyone else. I fuck up any relationships I get into, and I really love this person, so much. It hurts when I see his face. It hurts being around him. But yet I only want to be with him. But I can't be anymore. That's not the main reason I wanna die though, but it is a big factor.

 

[Insomniac]

I have no other options. I moved across country for this person, I gave up everything. Only option I have now is to go back to my parents, and that would be worse than death.

i feel like I can completely relate to you and your whole situation. we're also the same age.

I especially understand why you feel like going back to parents would be worse than death.

so just so you know, you're not alone in this.

 

[Bullit]

This is a very sad story. I'm hope you find a way out of this,whatever that may be.

 

[Goodbye710]

It is a sad story as Bullit said. Made me very sad all day thinking about the situation.

Maybe you have a female cousin or aunt or grandparent or girl friend you could move in with. I don't mean to talk you out of anything I just wish there was someone else you can turn to.

 

[_Kaira_]

i feel like I can completely relate to you and your whole situation. we're also the same age.

I especially understand why you feel like going back to parents would be worse than death.

so just so you know, you're not alone in this.

Thanks
My parents were pretty abusive to me. If they weren't it wouldn't be so bad. Even then I don't think I'm ready for another big move to the other side of the country, especially cause, I honestly can't bare to leave my ex no matter how much it hurts me lol. The roller coaster of life moves to fast for me to keep holding on.

It is a sad story as Bullit said. Made me very sad all day thinking about the situation.

Maybe you have a female cousin or aunt or grandparent or girl friend you could move in with. I don't mean to talk you out of anything I just wish there was someone else you can turn to.

I really really wish that were the case. I don't really know where most of my extended family even are nowadays. Haven't been in touch with cousins since I was little, grandparents are gone, and as I said, no friends. I appreciate your thoughts but I realistically have had enough of the chaos and despair for my lifetime, even if housing weren't going to be an issue.

This is a very sad story. I'm hope you find a way out of this,whatever that may be.

I hope so too.