collending
Member
- Mar 11, 2023
- 5
this is gonna be super all over the place, im really just done with it all.
the last time i was here was 2023. i was in a deep dark place and only my survival instincts were keeping me alive for a good while back then. in between then and now, ive reached pretty good places, and even stayed clean from self-harm and an eating disorder for several periods. but i always end up back here. schools been getting so insanely stressful, and subjects i once loved and scored well in are now dropping down. my anxiety is coming back after a year or two of nothing, and its hell. i was just walking outside once and my heart rate was 200 from knowing everyone could see me and judge my actions. i feel like its suffocating me, and i cant perform well in tests because the silent classroom makes me feel exposed and i feel like every breath i take is heard by everyone else, which makes me more anxious. its a vicious cycle. theres also this deep restlessness inside me. im always sad, or angry, or both, and im so frustrated with myself for not knowing why. ive relapsed into my eating disorder, and self harm, just so i can feel my depression is validated somehow. im hardly eating anymore, i dont even have an appetite, and im just so fucking tired. no one seems to notice, or if they ask me if im okay its in a joking way in front of a bunch of other people. i understand its no ones responsibility to care for me but myself but i want someone to care for me the way i care for my best friends so badly and im so ashamed and embarrassed of it but i just want comfort. everything feels and looks cold, and even writing no longer has appeal to me. since i first began declining mentally at 11 or 12 years old, writing has always been my reprieve. turning my suffering into poetry made me feel human, and real, instead of a numb consciousness floating somewhere in my body. now, when i open a document or my journal in desperation for alleviation, nothing comes to me. the words which once would flow from my mind are blocked, or no longe exist. i feel like that was the last straw in my attempts to feel better. i just rot in my misery now, and force myself to study just so my grades dont suffer any more and i dont lie in bed and cry. i dont know if i want to punch something or die or what but i know im not ok. im just so tired. im sick of dealing with the same old shit for years. i want a break, i want to know what happiness and content feels like just for one day.
the last time i was here was 2023. i was in a deep dark place and only my survival instincts were keeping me alive for a good while back then. in between then and now, ive reached pretty good places, and even stayed clean from self-harm and an eating disorder for several periods. but i always end up back here. schools been getting so insanely stressful, and subjects i once loved and scored well in are now dropping down. my anxiety is coming back after a year or two of nothing, and its hell. i was just walking outside once and my heart rate was 200 from knowing everyone could see me and judge my actions. i feel like its suffocating me, and i cant perform well in tests because the silent classroom makes me feel exposed and i feel like every breath i take is heard by everyone else, which makes me more anxious. its a vicious cycle. theres also this deep restlessness inside me. im always sad, or angry, or both, and im so frustrated with myself for not knowing why. ive relapsed into my eating disorder, and self harm, just so i can feel my depression is validated somehow. im hardly eating anymore, i dont even have an appetite, and im just so fucking tired. no one seems to notice, or if they ask me if im okay its in a joking way in front of a bunch of other people. i understand its no ones responsibility to care for me but myself but i want someone to care for me the way i care for my best friends so badly and im so ashamed and embarrassed of it but i just want comfort. everything feels and looks cold, and even writing no longer has appeal to me. since i first began declining mentally at 11 or 12 years old, writing has always been my reprieve. turning my suffering into poetry made me feel human, and real, instead of a numb consciousness floating somewhere in my body. now, when i open a document or my journal in desperation for alleviation, nothing comes to me. the words which once would flow from my mind are blocked, or no longe exist. i feel like that was the last straw in my attempts to feel better. i just rot in my misery now, and force myself to study just so my grades dont suffer any more and i dont lie in bed and cry. i dont know if i want to punch something or die or what but i know im not ok. im just so tired. im sick of dealing with the same old shit for years. i want a break, i want to know what happiness and content feels like just for one day.
